Leaves of Grass
by Nauticalmass
Summary: After returning from Italy, Bella's not sure if she can still love Edward. The next morning, she awakens in an unimaginable time and place: Houston, 1862. When she encounters a member of the Cullen family as a human, how far will she follow her heart? B/J
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters are the property of SM.

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From _New Moon_, page 511

"_I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" he whispered._

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_**Chapter 1**_

The pain on Edward's face was evident as he asked me to finally make a decision for us. Of course I could still love him. I _did_ still love him. Why was I now hesitating to tell him this?

Looking around Edward's bedroom, I was thankful Charlie and Billy had left right after Harry's funeral on a week-long fishing trip to distribute Harry's ashes. Not only would I hate to explain to Charlie where I had been for three days, but I would hate to have this conversation with Edward in my room—where he could see the effect his leaving had had on me. If this was really a dream, it was one I would constantly revisit in my bed. Everything looked exactly the same in Edward's room as it had before he'd left; it was as unchanging as he was. I knew Edward would never change physically, but was it possible for him to change in other ways?

"I don't know." I said it so quietly that I wasn't sure if he heard me, even with his acute hearing. The pain on Edward's face was gone, though, and in its place was the same mask he wore when breaking my heart in the forest.

"Edward, I love you. I have always loved you. _My_ feelings for you have never been up for debate."

"Bella," he interrupted.

"Please, let me finish. You wanted to know how I felt, what I thought. I have waited for months, for days, for hours—waiting every passing second, hoping it might be the one when you returned to love me. Now that we're together again, what if love isn't enough?"

I knew it would tear the hole in my chest wider, but I had to touch him, especially if this would be the last time. I let my hand graze his brow and come to rest on the side of his face, reveling in its cold, familiar feel.

"I do believe you now when you said you lied in the forest. You were trying to do what you thought was best for me. You were trying to protect me. "

"Yes," he breathed while grabbing my hand with his own, kissing it softly.

I gently removed my hand from his grasp and put it in my lap, knowing what I needed to say would be easier without touching.

"I don't want you to protect me. Not in that way. I realize that there are dangers in your world you want to protect me from—that you unfortunately _have_ to protect me from. I get it. I am human and weak, and you've never given me any indication that that might change, not even in Volterra."

"Bella," he sighed exasperated. He was clearly frustrated by this turn in conversation; this topic was _still_ not up for discussion.

"Stop interrupting me!" I jumped off the sofa and started pacing his room, trying to avoid looking at anything of his that would remind me of how we once were. Gone was the choking sadness and emptiness I had felt for so long. Finally, something was filling me up; I was consumed with the rage and anger I should have felt over him leaving. I was not a child to be protected or a plaything to be discarded. All of the words I had waited so long to say came bubbling to the surface.

"You're right. That's not the issue. This isn't about who's a vampire and who's a human; there's another imbalance. I realize that you've been around a lot longer than I have. You've seen things and learned things that I can only imagine. However, when it comes to being in a relationship, we're both starting from the same place. But, you refuse to let us be equals. I don't know if that refusal comes from your age, your ability to read minds, or from some innate, stubborn superiority complex."

I stopped pacing and finally looked at him, but I couldn't tell anything from his expression. "There has to be an even give and take in a relationship. I know you can't hear my thoughts, and that's hard for you, but I can't hear yours either. Instead of letting me see how you feel or telling me, you shut yourself off. You even try to protect me from your feelings."

"Is it so wrong to want to protect you? To want your life to be better?" he asked, standing up and coming toward me but stopping a few feet away.

"No, but it is wrong to not talk with me about it, to not let me have a hand in making decisions about my life. You've apologized, and I accept your apology for leaving me. However, I'm not sure I can excuse your need to make me feel insignificant or you taking your family away as well. What will happen the next time you decide you need to leave for my own good?"

I couldn't tear my eyes away from his. I wanted so much for him to tell me he would never leave. I wanted him to say he would change, he would be better. I wanted him to say he would change me so we could always be together, and we would be equals in every way.

That would never happen.

"There won't _be_ a next time. I know I couldn't physically leave you even if I wanted to," he promised me.

"Oh, Edward," I sighed, closing the gap between us. "I know you believe that now. I don't know if saying that is enough. I need some time to think and so do you. Your eyes are too dark. It's been too long since you've hunted."

Suddenly, all the fire I felt minutes before was gone. Getting everything off my chest was draining, and I just wanted to go back to sleep. I knew this wasn't a dream anymore; there was no way I would ever refuse Edward in my dreams.

"I'll go for now, but know that I'll always come back for you," he said, kissing me on the forehead. I walked toward the sofa and lay down, covering myself with the blanket. I wasn't sure if things would be clearer after sleeping some more or not. I could only hope.

As Edward opened the door to leave his bedroom, Alice was standing there. "Edward, everything will be different when Bella wakes up. Things will be different for all of us." I could barely make out what she said to him.

Edward left the hall so quickly that I didn't even see him go as Alice stepped into the room. "We should talk," she said.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Note:** All recognizable characters are the property of SM.

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**Chapter 2 **

I couldn't believe that just the other day we were racing to Volterra. It seemed like so much had changed since then. I almost preferred standing in front of the Volturi to this awkwardness.

Alice slowly walked toward me and took a seat at the end of the sofa, curling her legs up and facing me. I sat up and mirrored her position.

"I guess you saw that happening, or at least heard what I said to him. Did everyone else hear it as well?" I asked embarrassed and wondering how much I would eventually put this family through.

"No. When Edward felt you were about to wake up, he asked for privacy, and we all left the house. I didn't come in here to talk to you about visions I've seen or to talk to you as Edward's sister, though. I just thought you could use a best friend," Alice said, smiling timidly.

After not seeing her for so many months, I was taken aback by how beautiful she was. Of course she was; all of the Cullens were eternally beautiful. After all the drama of the last three days, Alice looked as perfect as ever. Unkempt and unwashed for days, I was embarrassed to sit across from her.

"You must think I'm crazy. All I've wanted for so long has been for Edward to come back to me, and now that he's here, I may be throwing all of that away. I love him; I truly do, but . . ."

I suddenly couldn't make myself say the same words I had said to Edward.

"Maybe it's not enough," she sadly finished for me. Her frown seemed so out of place on her usually grinning face.

"Maybe it isn't. I can't constantly be left behind or sheltered from helping to make decisions—decisions that concern me. I spent so much of my life taking care of my parents that, at first, it was nice the way Edward would make all the decisions. Finally, someone was taking care of _me_. However, I realized I don't need to be taken care of."

I was angry just thinking about it. While in the time we had been together, I had certainly required some saving, that in no way made me a helpless damsel.

"I need a boyfriend, a partner—someone who will see me as an equal. I'm afraid he can't give that to me. No matter how much he loves me."

We both sat silently for a moment, contemplating what I might be saying.

"If Edward and I aren't . . ." I nearly choked on the words, "us . . . together . . . anymore, what then?"

I started to nervously wring my hands and bite at my lip. "Will you leave again? Regardless of what happens with Edward, I don't want to lose you again," I said, starting to panic.

I couldn't help the tears that were spilling over my cheeks. Alice looked like she would be crying, too, if she were able.

"Have you . . . have you _seen_ anything?"

"In the short term, I can't give too much away. I need to make sure you're making your own decisions," she said, shaking her head. "What I _can_ say is that the vision I've always had of you becoming one of us is still there. My visions can change, but what will _never_ change is our friendship. I left you—stupidly—at Edward's insistence. That will never happen again. You're stuck with me, Sweetie!"

I couldn't help it. I threw myself at Alice, wrapping my arms around her neck and deeply breathing in her cotton candy and peaches scent.

"I could never be stuck with you. You're the sister I've always wanted. I'm so glad you're back, and I hope you mean it when you say you won't leave, no matter what happens with Edward."

Alice pushed me back and held me at arm's length, regarding me seriously. "Bella, my promises are binding, and nothing could ever come between us. Always remember that."

I nodded and wiped the tears from my face as Alice dropped her hold on my arms and relaxed back into the sofa.

"What about the rest of the family? I don't want to see anyone uncomfortable because of me. You shouldn't have to choose between wanting to be near your best friend and the comfort of your mate."

Alice shook her head in disagreement. "You worry too much. The family loves you. Carlisle and Esme already see you as their daughter, and that's because of who you are to them, not who you are to Edward. You know how much Emmett sees you as his little sister. I know you haven't spent that much time with Jasper, but that will change in the future, and you will see how much you mean to him as well. And Rosalie, well . . ."

"We don't need to talk about Rosalie." I laughed, breaking some of the tension in the room. "The rest of the family is good enough."

"She'll come around eventually. Honestly, don't worry about us. That is so like you to be surrounded by a family of vampires and worry that _you_ are making _us_ uncomfortable. And, about me and my . . . well, me and Jasper, there are some things you should know," Alice said, looking worried.

"I assure you that I never blamed Jasper for what happened on my birthday. Nothing was his fault, and what happened was a natural reaction. I hope he knows that. I hope he could feel that I didn't harbor any resentment toward him," I said in a rush.

Alice held up her hand to stop me. "Again, there are some things you should know about Jasper. You don't know much about him, namely because Edward didn't want him to be close to you. Jasper doesn't have the lack of control the other family members think. In fact, other than Carlisle, he has been interacting with humans longer than anyone in the family. He's even changed several humans without killing them, something that isn't that easy to do."

"What? When did that happen? Where are those vampires now?"

I couldn't believe that Edward wouldn't share something like this with me. Well, on second thought, I could believe it; anything about changing was taboo.

"That was before he and I met," she continued, "but we'll get to that soon enough. More importantly than how Jasper reacts to random humans, he's never had any problems around you: not on our way to Phoenix, in the hotel, or in the ballet studio where you were bleeding profusely. Emmett and Rosalie had to leave after being in the room for a couple minutes, and I'm ashamed to admit that Carlisle even had to tell me to hold my breath," she said, averting her gaze.

"Alice." I grabbed her hand to reassure her that one moment of bloodlust meant nothing to me.

"Then what happened at my birthday party?"

"When you cut your finger, Jasper _was _dealing with the thirst and desire of every vampire in the room. And, you _are_ Edward's singer. That would have been a lot of bloodlust thrown at him. However, things happened so fast to your eyes, there's no way you could have correctly judged Jasper's actions. I promise you, he was not the greatest threat to your safety that night. Soon you'll know the truth, but it isn't my place to tell you. I hope that's okay."

I sighed. "While I'm tired of secrets, I learned a while ago not to bet against you. I trust you," I said, moving closer to her on the couch and laying my head on the back of it.

"I'm sorry for keeping you awake, but I promise these things are important to know, and you need to learn them tonight."

Alice started to look around the room, out the window, at anything other than me.

"When I had the vision of you jumping off the cliff—what I thought was you committing suicide—I was devastated. Not only was my best friend gone, but you died thinking we didn't want you. I don't remember anything from my human life, and as an immortal, I've never had to deal with grief. I've never felt so much pain, but I wasn't alone in it. I was shocked by the depth of Jasper's grief for you."

She finally turned to look at me. "I know it wasn't only because of his ability to feel my pain. It also wasn't simply because of any guilt he had from his role in Edward and the rest of the family leaving. Things aren't always as they seem . . ." Alice trailed off hesitantly.

"Because you should also know that Jasper and I _aren't_ mates."

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**Author Note:** Thank you so much for reading. Please, let me know what you thought by leaving a review. This will be my last update before the holidays. I will also be having a baby at the start of January and will be taking a couple weeks of fan fiction maternity leave.


	3. Chapter 3

**Story Note:** All recognizable characters are the property of Ms. Meyer.

A great thank you goes to my PTB betas, JointGifts and McGee42.

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**Chapter 3**

"What do you mean you aren't mates?" I gasped. "Of course you are. I've seen the two of you together. I know how much you love him."

"Yes, I love Jasper—more than anyone. He's my best friend and always will be—and while over the decades we've provided each other with several levels of companionship—we aren't mates."

I couldn't even respond to her. I was so dumbfounded. If Alice and Jasper weren't meant to be together, was anyone? How could there possibly be hope for Edward and me? I continued to stare at Alice, with my mouth hanging open, willing her to continue explaining.

"Jasper was the first thing I foresaw when I awoke to this life, and I knew we were meant to join the Cullen family together. I love being around him because he balances me; he can feel the emotional turmoil caused by my visions," Alice said, looking out the darkened window.

"I know Jasper loves to be around me because of my energy and cheerfulness; happiness was something he had never felt before we met."

I looked at her, not understanding how someone could have never felt happiness.

"I assume Edward never told you anything about how Jasper was changed?"

I scoffed, tallying up yet another thing Edward had never mentioned. Alice told me about Jasper's time in the military during the Civil War. I'd had no idea that Jasper was so old, and I couldn't help trying to imagine him in a uniform. It seemed a natural fit with what I knew about him.

When she came to the part about Jasper running into Maria and her sisters a mile outside of Galveston, I couldn't believe how scared I felt for him, especially considering I knew the ending of his story. It broke my heart to hear her describe his life during the Southern Vampire Wars and the guilt he still carried because of his actions.

"How awful for Jasper! Thankfully, you found each other. He has to know he isn't that man anymore," I said on the verge of tears.

"It's something I hope he'll realize in time," she said sadly. "I know that being part of our family has healed some of those wounds, but it will take a long time for him to forgive himself. That's one of the reasons he's so careful around you, because he never wants to return to what he was."

"Does the family know you aren't mates?" I still couldn't fathom the idea.

"Well, it isn't something we ever broadcasted. Edward clearly knows, and the rest of the family knows our relationship is different from theirs. Rose and Emmett get married at least once a decade, and for a while, it took some work to convince Esme and Rose that Jazz and I didn't need to do that."

"Were you ever married?" I asked, yawning.

"No. Making that kind of vow to each other would be unfair to our true mates. I know that we'll both be mated someday, but not even _I_ know when that will happen for both of us. I've been told when you recognize your mate, there's an almost physical pull connecting your souls."

"Hmpf. Edward doesn't even believe he has a soul. Do you think that means we obviously aren't meant to be mated?" I asked, somewhat afraid of the answer.

"I can't answer that for you. I can tell you that Jasper and I are too different to really be mates. You don't have to change who you are for your mate. Mine is out there somewhere, and I will find him eventually. In the meantime, there's no one I would rather spend my time with than Jasper," she said, sounding more like her chipper self.

"Have you ever seen a vision of your mate? I'm a little surprised there's something you don't know." I chuckled.

"Just because I have visions, that doesn't mean I know everything about the future. I know you wish I had answers about you and Edward. It isn't my role to tell you whom to be with or what to do with your life. The answer to that question may surprise you, though. Bella, you'll need to open your mind and your heart before you can make your decision."

Alice stood up from the sofa and straightened the blanket I was using. "I've kept you up way too late. You need to sleep. Like I told Edward, everything will be different in the morning. I hope I didn't overwhelm you. Just remember what I said: you and I will always be friends, no matter what."

Alice waved and skipped out of the room, turning out the light and quietly shutting the door.

I rolled over on the sofa and huddled into the blanket. I was so tired, but I didn't know how I would ever fall asleep. What was I supposed to do about Edward? I still loved him, but how much of myself would I have to give up to be with him?

Even though my mind was whirling with everything Alice said, I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Soon, I had visions of Edward standing with me in the forest outside of my house. I was holding onto my middle, and he was avoiding looking into my eyes. However, it wasn't when he left me in the fall; the air was warmer, and I could see the sunshine trying to pass through the dense tree branches. It was this summer, and Edward was leaving _again_.

"Bella, you were right, we can't be together," he said with a pinched look on his face.

I could feel my breath coming in short bursts, and I felt dizzy.

"Alice and Jasper have mates out there, and so do I. A true mate. Maybe she's a vampire, or maybe she's a human who would gladly stay that way for me. Regardless, she's someone who won't put up so much of a fuss. I just can't be bothered with you anymore," he said.

Instead of feeling the same stabbing pain I felt when Edward first left me, I was surprised that I felt nothing. I stopped hunching over and dropped my hands from my stomach. Maybe that _was_ what Edward needed—someone who wouldn't "put up a fuss"—someone who would put up with _him_.

Just as I started to reply, I realized that Edward had disappeared. I turned around in a circle, trying to locate him, but he fled so quickly that I couldn't even tell in what direction he had left.

Suddenly, I recognized that even though Edward wasn't with me, I wasn't alone in the forest. I could feel something behind me radiating intense heat. I was grabbed from behind and screamed.

"Bells, it's just me." Jacob was all of a sudden standing in front of me in his cut-off shorts, practically panting.

"Jake? What are you doing here?" I hated how so many people in my life could just show up or disappear without warning.

"I'm giving you another option," he said pleadingly, letting his hands slide down my arms until he was holding my hands.

Another option?

"I _can_ heal the hole inside of you," he continued.

I looked up into his eyes, realizing what he was saying. I started to tell him that I didn't think that hole was there anymore, but he stopped me.

"I love you. I know you love me, too. Bella, we're easy together. You don't have to change to be with me."

He looked so innocent while offering me his heart. Things were easy with Jacob—natural. Would my path eventually lead to him, had it been leading there all along? This felt like too much; Edward had just left.

"Jake, I don't know," I breathed, just as he was leaning his face down to mine, covering me with his hot breath. Right when he was going to kiss me, he sharply turned his head and viciously growled. His body started to vibrate.

"Jake, what is it?"

"Shit. Bloodsucker! Bella, don't move."

Jake stepped away from me and shifted into his giant wolf form. He started growling again just as three beautiful, red-eyed vampires in billowing, white dresses stepped out from behind a grove of trees.

I had never seen any of them before, but in addition to the warning their red eyes held, I could tell these three were pure evil. A chill ran up my spine.

"What do we have here, _mis hermanas_? A snack and her pet?" the short one in front asked.

All three laughed, sounding like sinister bells, and they came closer. However, they quickly halted their advance and stared, crouching, at a spot in the woods.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you ladies to leave her alone," a voice ordered from behind me.

I turned and looked at what could stop three vampires in their tracks. There, on a stereotypical white horse, was a very human-looking Jasper. His complexion was much darker, and his eyes weren't topaz, nor were his features as defined, but it was clearly him. While he was commanding in his uniform, he would be no match for vampires.

"Jasper, stay away from them," I warned, but he didn't move. It didn't even seem like he'd heard me.

"You have to leave right away," I screamed at him.

Why couldn't Jasper hear me? More importantly, why wasn't Jake attacking them? He was just staring and growling at the women. I couldn't let these three ruin Jasper again.

Finally, Jasper looked at me and smiled, but he quickly turned to Jacob. "Well, my furry friend," Jasper said with a hint of amusement in his voice, "I would say it was time to charge." Jasper pulled his sword from its sheath and urged his horse toward the sisters.

Just as I was about to scream for Jasper to stop, I awoke with a start. I wasn't sure if that was better or worse than the nightmares that had plagued me for months. Certainly, nothing felt clearer or different now that I was awake.

As my vision cleared, I focused on the ceiling. Gone was Edward's smooth white ceiling, and in its place were rough, wooden planks. I must be in one of the Cullens' studies. I wasn't exactly happy that Edward had moved me. Couldn't I even make the decision of where I was going to sleep?

As I sat up in a huff, I looked around the room. I was still sitting on a sofa, but instead of black leather, it was covered in green velvet and surrounded by an assortment of small, carved wooden tables covered in oil lamps, stacks of books, and a chess set. Was this Jasper's study? Looking at all of the rustic antiques around the room, it clearly wasn't decorated by Esme.

The walls had warm, dark paneling, and there were thick lace curtains on the windows. They let in daylight but were too thick to see through from where I was sitting. I was surprised to see an upright piano across the room; I didn't realize any of the Cullens other than Edward played. I could smell the faint traces of a wood fire burning somewhere and was confused. I didn't remember a wood-burning fireplace anywhere in the house.

I was examining the rug on the floor when I noticed what I was wearing: a blue and white gingham full skirt with a matching bodice.

"You have got to be kidding me. Alice, what in the hell am I wearing?" I angrily whispered, knowing if she was anywhere in the house she would hear me.

Just as I was about to stand up and figure out where I was, a woman I didn't recognize—a human woman!—swept into the room, her skirt swishing the floor.

"Rise and shine, my dear," she sang at me, smiling.

Was I still dreaming?

"Who are you, and why are we both dressed like we've stepped out of _Little Women_?"

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**Author Note:** Thank you for your patience during my brief break in updating and for the well-wishes; my new little prince turned two weeks old today.

Please let me know what you thought. All reviewers will receive a teaser of the next chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

**Story Note:** All recognizable characters are the property of Ms. Meyer.

A great thank you goes to my PTB betas JointGifts and McGee42.

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_Previously:_

_Just as I was about to stand up and figure out where I was, a woman I didn't recognize—a human woman!—swept into the room, her skirt swishing the floor._

"_Rise and shine, my dear," she sang at me, smiling._

_Was I still dreaming? _

"_Who are you, and why are we both dressed like we've stepped out of _Little Women_?" _

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**Chapter 4 **

"Bella, you say the oddest things sometimes! I'm sorry you're still being bothered by nightmares," the stranger said while walking toward me.

"I'm still _in_ one," I said, exasperated. "Would you please tell me who you are?"

Who was this woman who clearly knew my name, and why would she know about my nightmares?

"Millie Whitlock, but you just call me Millie," she said, chuckling. "I know that since coming here you've been disoriented when you wake up, which is understandable, but how long is this honestly going to go on?" Millie asked jokingly.

I couldn't wrap my mind around this. This was clearly another dream, but I had never had a dream so vivid. I don't recall ever being able to smell in a dream before this one; I could still catch the scent of a wood fire somewhere in the house.

I wondered why I would be dreaming this. So much had happened recently that perhaps this was how my subconscious needed to work through it. Alice said I needed to open my mind, so I might as well comply in hopes that I would wake up soon. This dream was certainly far better than the ones I had of Edward leaving or a human Jasper trying to take on three sadistic vampires.

"Are you going to stare at me all day, or are you going to get up and join the world of living? The girls are already here and set up in the kitchen where there's more room," Millie said as she walked away.

I realized I had been staring, and dream or not, I couldn't help but be embarrassed. Millie looked to be in her early thirties with sandy-colored hair in a low bun, and she was dressed similarly to me. While her clothing was a little bland—certainly not something Alice would have chosen—she was very attractive and clearly had a bit of spark to her.

Not wanting to be left alone in this strange house, I stood and quickly followed Millie out of the room. We passed through the dining room to the kitchen where three women sitting in chairs around a wooden table greeted me.

"Ladies, you'll have to forgive Bella; she's not a fan of any type of needlework and conveniently takes a nap whenever there's some to be done," Millie said, winking.

Not sure of what I should be doing, I hurriedly sat next to Millie in an empty chair. "Bella, these are Margaret, Lottie, and Frances," she said, introducing me to the three smiling women.

They all looked to be in their early twenties to mid-thirties and were wearing the same type of full-skirted ensembles as Millie and I. They murmured their hellos and picked up what looked to be knitting. I honestly hoped that no one expected me to knit, as that wasn't a hobby Renée ever tried to force on me. I looked expectantly at Millie.

"I know you'll be needing to knit at some point; I cannot fathom how you escaped learning how to do it before now. However, for today, I hope you don't mind helping with a dull task: combing more wool," she said, pointing to a pair of baskets on the floor next to the table. One was heaped with what I assumed was wool with a pair of combs on top, and the other was empty.

"Like this, dear." Millie showed me, sensing my confusion.

Only I would have dreams where I would be faced with something like combing wool. How did I come up with this?

"It seems like we'll never be able to make enough socks for our men. With winter coming, all we'll be doing is knitting. Just this week _The Telegraph _ran a piece asking for 50,000 more pairs of socks! At least we don't have to make any more shirts or jackets; I never thought I would get the butternut color off of my hands," Frances said.

"Neither did I," agreed Margaret. "I don't understand how we can have an army if they don't even have issued uniforms. It breaks my heart to think that so many of the farm boys who joined were without shoes for the first year, let alone proper weapons!"

"They say that we women keep our hands busy to keep our hearts from bleeding over our men," added Lottie.

I was trying to do what Millie showed me with the wool, but I kept sneaking looks around the bright kitchen filled with pots, baskets, and herbs hanging from every available piece of wall space. I wasn't paying much attention to what the women were saying until one of them said my name.

"Bella, when Millie has spoken of you, it has been with so much kindness, but we have yet to hear your full story. How is it you came to Houston?" Lottie asked. All three women put down their knitting and looked at me questioningly.

Oh, no. This was the part of the dream when I would look down and see I was in my underwear.

"I . . . um . . ." I swallowed.

At least I knew where I was now—Houston.

"It's your story, but would you like me to tell them? I know it still makes you upset," Millie thankfully interrupted my stammering.

"Yes, thank you." I exhaled.

"I already told you ladies that Bella is originally from Little Rock, Arkansas," Millie started.

I was surprised my subconscious would come up with Little Rock. I didn't know anything about Arkansas.

Millie continued, "As the war kept approaching, Bella's parents were nervous about Northern aggression. As the fighting got closer, they decided to send her away. They certainly couldn't send her to family in the north or to the east, so her mother's aunt in Houston agreed to take her in for a while."

The women all nodded; perhaps it was common to be sent away from home for this reason.

"I can't imagine moving so far to live with a woman your mother barely knew," Millie said, touching my hand affectionately.

"Shall I continue?" she asked me.

"Yes, please," I quickly said, impressed at my own imagination.

"When Bella arrived," Millie continued, "at her aunt's address, the landlord told her that her aunt had passed away that week. I was walking by and overheard her explaining to him that she had no money for a return trip to Arkansas."

This earned me some sympathetic glances from Millie's friends.

"Bella asked him where she was to go. He certainly wasn't a very understanding man. I couldn't leave the poor girl there on the street, so I introduced myself and insisted she come home with me. There's plenty to be done here and on my brother's farm, and with the boys away, we could always use the help."

"That's our Millie; she has such a big heart. Well, I'm so sorry for your loss, Bella, but I'm glad it seems to be working out. Hopefully, the war will be over soon, and you'll be able to return home to your parents," Margaret said.

As soon as Millie finished telling "my" story, I tuned out the rest of their conversation. Thank goodness there was something to tell these women. Dream or not, I would have been embarrassed at not having an explanation for how I arrived here.

I couldn't believe I was able to create all of this. Usually, I didn't think this much while asleep. Stupid, vampire-induced dreams.

I don't remember learning much about the Civil War, but clearly, I had paid more attention in school than I thought.

I must be dreaming this because of what Alice told me about Jasper. Why would I be from Arkansas, though? I suppose I couldn't be from Arizona or Washington. They weren't states yet, and I have no idea what was happening there during the 1860s.

"I was just reading that the ladies of Little Rock were asked to forfeit all of their rugs to send to the front to use as blankets. Lord, I hope it doesn't get that bad in Texas," Lottie said, interrupting my musing. "It was so nice to meet you, Bella"

Everyone was standing up to leave.

"We'll see ourselves out, Millie. Next week is your house, Margaret," Frances said as the three pushed through the door toward the dining room.

"Thank you for finishing the wool. I know it isn't a particularly entertaining task," Millie said while heading to light the stove.

I looked down and realized I had, indeed, finished combing the whole basket.

"We still have stew left over from yesterday, so why we don't we just make some fresh biscuits with what little flour I have left?" Millie asked while bustling around the kitchen.

"Sure. That sounds great. I can make the biscuits if there's something else you need to do."

"Here you are then," Millie said while setting the ingredients down in front of me and stepping over to a side table to grab a dress she was working on.

"What's the date today?" I asked as I was mixing the ingredients, glad I always cooked for both Charlie and Renée.

"October fifteenth," she replied, not looking up from her sewing. It looked like she was adding lace to some part of the dress.

"October fifteenth…?"

"October 15, 1862," she said, chuckling. "I suppose next you'll be wanting to know what state we're in and what the war is about." She laughed.

"No, of course not," I replied quickly. Though, had Houston not been mentioned, I probably would be asking where we were.

"I want to thank you for your generosity in letting me stay here. You've been so helpful," I said sincerely as I rolled and cut out the biscuits.

"Like I said when the girls were here, we could always use the help. You've been a tremendous assistance to me around the house this week, and tomorrow you'll meet the rest of the family. I'm already rather fond of you, and I can't believe you've only been here a week. Being so far away from home, it must feel like a lifetime to you, though."

"Not at all," I said, adding the biscuits to a cast-iron pan and smiling to myself. "It barely feels like a day has gone by. Who are the rest of the family?"

Cutting a thread with her teeth, Millie stood up, shook out the dark blue dress, and came to stand behind me, holding it up to my back.

"This should do for tomorrow night. The dance won't be as fancy as in the years before the war, but we should all have a good time. I'm looking forward to you meeting my brother, his wife, and their children."

A dance? Thankfully, I would be awake by then. I didn't need the torture of dancing either awake or asleep.

"The first night you were here, I meant what I said about knowing how it feels to have nowhere to go. I suppose I should have told you the story then," Millie said. She set down the dress and put the biscuits in the oven after testing its temperature with a wave of her hand.

"I've never been married, and I don't know if that's the life for me. I look at my friends who have said goodbye to their husbands as they head off to war, and I'm glad I'll never go through that heartbreak. Not that I haven't known some."

Millie stirred the stew on the giant black stovetop. Looking around the room, I spotted some bowls stacked on the open shelving.

"Ten years ago, my parents died. As an unmarried woman, I couldn't live on the farm by myself."

I couldn't imagine living in a time when I wasn't free to do what I pleased or live where I wanted.

"My only brother was ten years older and married with young children. Because of our age difference, we weren't close, and I didn't want to impose on them. However, my brother, Thaddeus and his wife, Rebecca, said 'nonsense,' and I came to live here outside of Houston. I lived with them while they settled the farms accounts. Once that was finished, my brother bought me this house to have as my own."

I wondered why it was acceptable for Millie to live here by herself but not at her parents' farm. I didn't want to pry by asking, so I just smiled for her to continue.

"I get to have my independence, but his farm is close by should I need anything. My parents' money covers most of my costs. When people still bought new clothing before the blockade, I would take in some seamstress work," she said while ladling the stew into the bowls I set on the table.

I couldn't stop myself from asking at least one question.

"Why would your brother farm outside of Houston when he could have stayed on the family property?" I asked while pouring water into glasses.

Millie took out the biscuits and sat down. She briefly bowed her head, and I awkwardly mimicked her.

The combination of the stew and biscuits smelled delicious, and I couldn't wait to try them both. I had never been so hungry in a dream. As I took a spoonful of the stew, I knew for sure I was dreaming, because nothing in real life could taste this delicious.

While my mouth was full, Millie continued, "My father was not an easy man to live with or an easy man to love. He made life hard for my brother, and as soon as Thad met Rebecca, they were married and left. Her parents were much older and had a farm here they could no longer run. She's an only child, so it all worked out for the best. Her parents have since died, and so they're grateful to have family close by."

Not having aunts and uncles or cousins, I couldn't really imagine what it would be like to have extended family. I think if I did have a sibling, I would want to live close to them. It had never occurred to me how important family could be until meeting and then losing the Cullens.

"I would do anything for them, and I try to help out on the farm as much as I can, especially after their son and most of the workers enlisted. I'm looking forward to introducing you to them tomorrow," Millie finished.

"Me, too," I said, realizing I had practically inhaled my stew while Millie was talking. She had barely taken a bite.

I let her finish the rest of her meal quietly, thinking about what I had already learned from this dream. It hadn't been unpleasant, but I couldn't think how this made things with Edward any clearer. Alice and I would need to have another conversation in the morning. Perhaps Esme would be able to put things in perspective. My problems with Edward certainly weren't things I could discuss with Charlie or Renée, or even Angela, and certainly not Jake.

We cleared the table and did the dishes in companionable silence. I followed Millie upstairs to turn in for the night. When we stopped outside of what I assumed was my room, I turned and hugged her.

"Thank you, Millie. Whatever I was supposed to learn from you, I appreciate it."

"You're an odd duck, Bella," she said, tweaking my nose and closing her door.

I stepped into my room ready to wake up and face my reality.

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**Author Note:**

**Please let me know what you thought. All reviewers will receive a teaser of the next chapter.**

I hope you liked Millie. There are quite a few 1862 details in this chapter. The _Tri-Weekly_ _Telegraph_ was Houston's paper during the Civil War. Daily it would issue pleas for supplies to the front, including the appeal for 50,000 socks.

On October 10, 1862, the paper ran a piece about the women of Little Rock: "While you are in your comfortable homes, many a soldier is lying on the ground without covering. While thousands of you are treading upon carpets, your brethren in the field are freezing, and the ladies of Little Rock have stripped their houses of carpets to make blankets for them. Will you be behind your sisters in Arkansas?"

Women would frequently strip their houses of curtains, tablecloths, sheets, and any fabric they could find to send to the front. As Margaret said, the enlisted Confederate Army didn't have issued uniforms and would wear whatever they could find. Eventually, mothers and wives started dying the clothing they sent all same color, earning the new batch of volunteer soldiers the nickname, "Butternuts." In addition to not having uniforms, the soldiers barely had weapons and would joke about charging the enemy with butcher knives and axes.

Millie's daily life would have been affected most by the Galveston blockades. Unless turning to the black market, she would have been unable to purchase flour, fabric, or oil for her lamps, thus making it a necessity to go to bed early.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: All recognizable characters are the property of SM. _

_Thank you so much to my wonderful PTB betas, JointGifts and McGee42. _

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**Chapter 5 **

I waited as long as I could before opening my eyes, hoping to delay my conversation with Edward as much as possible. I didn't feel him lying next to me, but I was sure he was staring at me, already knowing I was awake. I slowly opened my eyes and focused on the white ceiling. While I was indeed looking at a white ceiling, it was made of plaster, not the smooth surface of the one in Edward's room. I immediately sat up and saw myself in the same room in which I fell asleep last night: the guest bedroom of Millie's house.

Remembering that I was still in yesterday's dress, I groaned. Last night, I had just come into the dark room and lay down on the bed. I simply focused on waking up and leaving this dream.

Everything was so odd; I had never slept while dreaming. This had to be the longest dream I had ever had. I couldn't believe that neither Edward nor Alice had tried to wake me. The drama of Italy had clearly taken its toll.

I tried pinching myself awake, but that just resulted in a stinging red mark on my wrist. Looking toward the door, I noticed a washstand. I got out of bed and walked over to splash water on my face.

"Come on, wake up!" I said aloud. I didn't see anything else around the room that might be of service, and I didn't exactly feel like slapping myself.

The room was small but clean and bright. The bed was covered in white chenille and had a quilt at its foot. There was a trunk at the end of the bed, which I assumed was filled with more bedding.

I ran my hand along the oak chest of drawers before opening a drawer to find a pile of slips. I shut the drawer and inspected the matching night stand, discovering no personal effects.

I stepped to the room's one window and peered out of the lace curtains, seeing the front lawn surrounded by a log fence that bordered the dirt road. When I pushed my face to the glass, I could see a small barn to the left of the yard.

Shutting the curtains, I decided if I was going to be stuck here, I might as well start my day.

I couldn't go downstairs in the same dress as yesterday, so I opened up a small armoire to see what I might find. There was a brown gingham dress nearly identical to the green one I had on, so I decided to go with that. Not knowing what to do about the many underclothes I had on and not really having the desire to figure it out just now, I kept on the same ones from yesterday.

Thank goodness the dress buttoned in the front, or I would be stuck in this room all day trying to reach up the back. Now, I just needed to tackle my hair. Yesterday, all the women had their hair in low buns. I wasn't sure of what else might be appropriate, but I decided to put my hair in two French braids and pin those up.

Looking at myself in the washstand mirror, I couldn't believe how much thought I was giving to my hair in a dream. I didn't even think this much about it while awake.

This had to be a dream, right? There's no way I could have fallen asleep and woken up in 1862.

Regardless, I needed breakfast. As I headed downstairs, I could hear Millie in the kitchen.

"Good morning," I said, coming through the door. "I hope I didn't sleep too late."

I was worried I might have missed some type of morning chore "I" had been doing this week. I hoped not, as I knew nothing about collecting eggs or milking cows or whatever else one might do in Texas.

"Not at all. Everything's been done. I'm sure you're hungry, though. Have a seat. Today will be a big day," Millie said, handing me a plate covered with eggs and griddlecakes. I stared at it and felt my eyes fill with tears.

"Bella, is something wrong? Would you like something else to eat?" Millie said with concern written all over her face.

"No!" I quickly exclaimed. "This is wonderful. It's just been so long since someone's made me breakfast in the morning. My mother isn't much of a cook," I explained. "Thank you, Millie."

She sat down next to me at the table with her own plate and started talking about what we would need to do to get ready for the dance at her brother's house.

The dance.

I had forgotten about that. I was supposed to be awake by now and wasn't supposed to have to deal with dancing. Dancing in strange clothing. Dancing with strangers. I didn't know how to dance in my era, let alone how to dance during the 1860s.

"Bella, you look like you're going to be sick. You can stay here at the house if you want; I just thought you would like to meet my family."

"Of course, I would love to meet them. I just don't know how to dance," I confessed.

"Is that all?" Millie laughed. "That's no problem. I'm not much of a dancer either, and we can just _not_ dance together."

For a figment of my imagination, Millie was pretty wonderful. She was exactly the type of person I would want for a friend. She seemed like a wonderful blend of Alice's upbeat energy and sense of humor and Angela's sensitivity and pragmatism.

Millie talked about what finishing touches we would add to the dresses we were wearing. She was reworking two dresses that used be Frances's and explained that with fabric so scarce due to the port blockades, no one was making new clothing these days. She said that it had been rare to dress up for an event over the last year, but that she and her friends would rotate dresses and change the trim so that they were never seen in the same gown twice. This was clearly the Alice in her coming out.

I hadn't paid much attention to the blue dress she held up to me yesterday, but when she laid it out for my inspection, it took my breath away. It was midnight blue taffeta and looked like it could stand up on its own it was so full, even without a crinoline underneath it. I had never been one to care what I looked like, much to Alice's chagrin, but this dress was gorgeous. The full skirt was complemented by a slim bodice with a nearly off-the-shoulder neckline and puffed short sleeves. The neckline was trimmed in beautiful white lace.

As I was fingering the lace, Millie said, "If you don't like the lace and would rather it be plain, I can take it off again."

"Millie, it's gorgeous! I can't believe you're going to let me wear this. What are you wearing?" I couldn't believe I was this excited about a dress, but no matter how much of a tomboy I was growing up, I thought every girl must have a _Gone with the Wind _fantasy at some point.

Millie's dress was green and black striped with a three-tiered skirt. Her bodice was similar to mine but with sleeves that reached her elbows, and instead of lace around the neckline, she had added some black ruffles.

"You are going to look beautiful. I can't believe Frances owned these dresses. She has wonderful taste."

"Thank you. I made them for her a few years ago."

I was shocked; Millie had mentioned doing work as a seamstress, but this far surpassed what I had imagined her doing. "They're amazing. Really."

Millie blushed at the compliment. "It seems silly to be dressing up with the war on, but so many men are home this week on furlough that there's a definite reason to celebrate. If we can give them this bit of cheer while they're home, perhaps they can carry it all the way back with them. Maybe we can even equate this bit of morale-raising to Confederate patriotism."

"Furlough?" I asked, confused, as I started to wash the breakfast dishes.

"It's when they are given permission to go home for a brief period of time. Normally, it's very rare and only select officers will get it, but it seems there's nothing to do at the moment."

I nodded, realizing that furlough was the same thing as being on leave.

"Some of the men from around here were sent east to fight, but many of them stayed to guard our ports. When we lost Galveston earlier this month, the Yankees ordered all of our troops out of the city, which is nicer than what they could have done to them," she said, placing her hand on her chest and sighing.

"Galveston is so close that the men from Houston were allowed to come home for a few weeks before regrouping."

"How far is Galveston from here?" I asked, setting down my dish towel.

"About sixty miles."

"Oh." I swallowed. "I hadn't realized the fighting was this close."

I knew from what Alice had told me that Jasper had been in Galveston and was originally from Houston, but I wasn't familiar enough with Texas geography to know how close the two cities were. I wonder if Jasper had already been turned by Maria at this point.

We spent the rest of the day doing light chores about the house and excitedly talking about this evening. Now that I knew I wasn't going to have to actually dance, the party sounded like fun.

I realized sometime in the middle of the afternoon that I had stopped thinking about when I was going to wake up. This must be happening for a reason, so I might as well make the most of it.

I was enjoying hearing Millie tell me about the cycles of farm life. She explained that now that the cotton had already been harvested, taken to the cooperative gin, and driven to San Antonio, there wasn't that much left to do this fall on the farm. She and Rebecca would harvest the fall vegetables, prepare those for winter, and get the seeds and farm plans ready for the new cotton season in February.

Her brother would be busy over the next couple of months doing machine and tool maintenance, mulching the outdoor beds for the winter, rotating the livestock, and breeding the sheep.

What I would be helping with was whatever Millie and Rebecca were doing for the war effort.

"We'll spend a good deal of time doing what we can to make blankets, waders, socks, bandages, towels, shirts, pants, and whatever the _Tri-Weekly Telegraph _tells us the army is in need of now. It's a struggle wanting to send and donate as much as we can. Knowing that we're so close to the action in Galveston, should it ever move closer in our direction, we'll need supplies for ourselves," Millie told me.

"Why is that?" I asked her with genuine curiosity.

"We never know if we would need to tend the sick or open up our homes as hospitals. I've heard that's exactly what's been happening east of Texas. Not that I would want our boys to be the ones getting hurt, but I just can't imagine opening up my home to a band of Yankees." Millie shuddered.

"May the day never come to pass! Enough of this dour talk; it's about high time to get ready. Your hair looks so lovely as it is, but would you like me to iron it for you?"

I couldn't imagine that there were straightening irons in 1862, so I had no idea what Millie planned on doing to my head. Though it could be nothing worse than a vampire pixie could do, I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her set what looked like a rudimentary curling iron on the stove to warm up.

"I would love that. Thank you."

As Millie combed out my hair and set to putting it up and ironing it, I was considering asking her another question about farm life in Texas. Her brother did own a cotton farm in the south and the Civil War was going on… I just couldn't think of a polite way to ask her.

Slavery was certainly something I had read about, but I had never imagined existing in a world where it was so commonplace. The thought turned my stomach. I had no idea the attitude Millie might have about such a thing, or if it would be appropriate to discuss. I was beginning to like her so much and worried that this could change how I felt.

"Millie," I started nervously, "you mentioned that the cotton harvest was done for the year and that a lot of the men from town are off to war. Did your brother have enough help in the fields?"

I held my breath while I waited for her to answer.

"There's never enough help. Thad spends nearly all day in the fields, and Rebecca and I joined him for most of it, as did his daughter, Emily. Cotton harvesting is a job for the whole family. Then there were whatever hands he could hire."

At hearing the word "hire," I breathed a small sigh of relief.

"In the past, there would generally only be free Negros to hire for that kind of work, but with the war on, there are plenty of families who need the small bit of money. Being able to live in your own house and go farm to farm for work is preferable to sending your daughters off to other cities to work in what few factories Texas has."

"So, they have no workers who live at the farm with them?" I was sure I was beet red in the face asking this. I hoped I wasn't being rude.

"No. Both our family's and Rebecca's farming operations were too small to ever be able to afford slaves. Not a lot of farms on this side of town are big enough to warrant them," Millie said, setting down the iron.

"Okay, Bella, my dear, your hair is finished. I hope you like it, but please don't look at it until you are in your dress."

We went upstairs and took turns helping each other into our gowns. Millie had to explain quite a few things to me in order for me to actually help her. I was thankful when she believed that I didn't have many occasions to dress up in Little Rock.

When I stepped in front of the washstand mirror, I couldn't believe the girl standing in front of me. The dark blue taffeta of the dress complimented my powdered skin nicely, as did the tiny dab of rouge in the center of my mouth. Millie had left the front portions of my hair in the loose braids from the morning, while the back of it was pulled up and secured to the crown of my head with combs, where it spilled down in ringlets. Alice would have been thrilled.

"I look just like Scarlett O'Hara!" I whispered.

"Who?" Millie asked.

"Oh, just a very beautiful girl I know back home." I could kick myself.

"It seems all I've been doing is thanking you, but thank you again, Millie. I'll always remember this," I said, turning to give her a brief hug. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but let's get to that dance."

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**Author Note:** Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. I really enjoy hearing from you. What do you think will happen at the dance? All reviewers receive a teaser for the next chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Note:** Everything belongs to SM except for a giant thank you to my PTB betas, Jointgifts and McGee42.

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_Previously:_

"_It seems all I've been doing is thanking you, but thank you again, Millie. I'll always remember this," I said, turning to give her a brief hug. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but let's get to that dance."_

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**Chapter 6**

We stepped outside the house just as the sky was starting to turn a vibrant pink. Millie had hitched the buggy to the horse prior to putting on her dress. Having never spent time around horses, I was grateful she didn't request my assistance.

Millie proceeded to the wooden, open-air buggy and put her foot on a small metal step behind the front wheel. With a grace I found surprising while wearing such a large skirt, she easily mounted her seat.

"Did you plan on joining me this evening?" she asked, catching me staring at her. I realized I had yet to step more than a few feet from the porch.

I wasn't sure how to approach getting in the contraption, even with the available step. The large wheels were easily over three feet tall, and with my luck, I would fall and break my leg. While a broken leg would most assuredly keep me from being able to dance tonight, there were probably better methods of avoidance.

I approached the buggy, looking for where to put my hands to boost myself up. As I was raising my foot to the step, Millie stuck out her hand and practically yanked me up to my seat.

"We, uh, walked a lot in Little Rock," I tried to explain as I situated myself after my unladylike scrambling to the bench.

"Just be thankful you're not wearing a full hoop under there," she said, glancing toward my dress. "I don't think we'd ever get you to my brother's."

Millie grabbed the reins and eased the horse toward the dirt road. As we traveled the quiet lane toward her brother's house, she thankfully explained that getting in and out of the carriage would be easier once we arrived, as there would be plenty of gentlemen more than happy to assist us.

The further we got from her house, the more I was struck by the landscape. Other than my brief trip to Italy, I had really only seen the terrains of Arizona, Washington, and California. I had thought that all of Texas would be similar to Arizona, but the thick, waving grasses on either side of the road shocked me. The trees that graced the rolling hills were almost entirely green with the occasional burst of yellow or orange. It was my first time seeing so many leaves that had changed color. I was awed by the combination of the beautiful countryside and the blazing colors of the sunset.

Millie woke me from my thoughts. "I told you before that there would be several soldiers in attendance who have been granted furlough, but there will be other men as well. With a pretty, sweet face like yours, you'll be beating them away with a stick."

I blushed as she continued. "However, you'll need to be careful about the character of some of those other men. While there are some perfectly acceptable reasons not to join the fight—too old, too sick, or the only man left on the farm—there are some men who are simply too cowardly to join the cause. Those are the ones who have paid someone else to go in their steads," she concluded with a look of disgust on her face.

"Oh, I didn't know you could do that," I replied, honestly not knowing what to say. I hadn't really thought about talking to anyone other than Millie and her family at the dance.

"Keep an eye on which men other ladies are talking to and dancing with, and you'll be fine."

We were turning by a cluster of trees when the house came in view. It was a two-story, wooden plank house with large block chimneys on either side. The front of the house was dominated by a porch filled with people sitting on benches and rocking chairs. People were standing in various places around the yard, and between the house and the even larger barn next to it, there seemed to be a crowd gathering.

"Rebecca will be so glad for the nice weather. Being able to dance outside means she won't have to host in the barn. Thad had some wood he was going to use to build another seed shack, but she convinced him to use it first for a dance floor outside," Millie described as we pulled up next to numerous other buggies and carriages outside the barn.

A boy of about twelve stepped up to the buggy to offer me his hand. "Thank you," I murmured as I fumbled my way down from my seat, even with his help.

Millie grabbed a wrapped dish from the rear seat of the buggy while the boy tended to the horse.

"Let's head up to the house and get you introduced to the family. I'm sure Rebecca and Emily are running around in the kitchen getting things ready to set out on the tables, and I want to be sure of where I should place these spiced apples."

As we headed to the house, Millie said hello to nearly everyone she passed. I noticed the number of women far outnumbered the men present. The men who were there—and under forty—each seemed to be surrounded by quite a group of young women. Mounting the stairs to the porch, I finally started to get nervous about meeting Millie's brother and his family.

Even though most people were socializing outside, it was a tight fit once we were in the house. People in various degrees of formal attire seemed to be perched on every available surface in the room and against every wall. I noticed Margaret, Lottie, and Frances standing by an empty fireplace in the parlor. I was glad to see a few familiar faces and raised my hand in a small wave. All three warmly smiled at me and raised their glasses. I would need to search out Frances later to thank her for letting me borrow such a beautiful dress.

We finally reached the kitchen, and as soon as we passed through the door, it felt like the temperature had dropped ten degrees just from the lack of bodies.

"Thank heavens you're here!" exclaimed a woman who came over and kissed Millie on the cheek. "You must be Bella. I'm Rebecca, Millie's sister-in-law. This is my daughter, Emily," she said, pointing to a girl who was busy setting out coffee cups on a tray.

Rebecca looked to be barely forty years old and had dark brown, curly hair and wide gray eyes. She had a kind face with a sparkle in her eyes that reminded me of my own mother. Emily was about thirteen and looked like a miniature version of Rebecca.

"We couldn't have asked for better weather for tonight. It's warm enough to have everyone outside but not too hot in here that we need to use the summer kitchen," Rebecca said while pouring coffee into an urn.

"Is that real coffee?" Millie gasped.

"Thaddeus," she replied throwing up her hands. "I didn't ask how, and I don't want to know. I was just so sick of the taste of chicory. It's bad enough that we're serving corn bread tonight instead of wheaten bread. We can allow ourselves this one indulgence."

Rebecca and Emily each picked up a tray and started toward the back door; Millie and I followed in suit. We set the food and drinks on long tables that were nearly full. The tables and the rest of the yard were lit up with hanging lanterns strung between the trees. Beyond the tables were the dance floor and the make-shift stage where the small band of string players were sitting down.

"That's my father," Emily said, pointing to a blond man sitting on a stool with a banjo across his lap. He happened to look up and wave at us.

The band started to play an upbeat song that sounded similar to some of the old bluegrass albums Charlie had. Women paired up on the dance floor with the few men in attendance, and when they started to run out, with each other. Watching the dancers' complicated steps, I was glad that Millie assured me we wouldn't have to dance.

I had been thinking about my situation throughout the day. I still wasn't sure whether or not I was dreaming or if I could have actually, miraculously traveled through time. Even if that _were_ possible, I didn't understand why I would travel to 1862.

Regardless of what the truth was, I didn't want to spend my evening with a twisted ankle. It was best if I just stayed close to Rebecca and Millie and far away from dancing. Perhaps Rebecca could use my help in the kitchen tonight.

"Bella, I'm looking forward to introducing you to my son who is home for the next few weeks. You're about the same age. He should be around here somewhere," Rebecca said, looking around.

"If he's not still sulking," Emily said while heading off toward her friends by the dance floor.

"Oh dear, what happened between the two of them?" Millie asked.

"Not between the two of them. With me, I'm afraid. I thought it would be best to celebrate his recent promotion if he wore his new uniform tonight. It's a nice occasion, and we would all love to see it. I don't know when I'll get the next opportunity to show him off," Rebecca said, sighing.

"He said he didn't want to make the other men feel like they were spending the evening with their superior, though. He just wanted to relax and enjoy being at home. I finally understood his point of view, but I gave him a hard time about it for a while." Rebecca finished as Millie put her hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sure you two will want to dance and enjoy your evening," Rebecca said, changing the subject. "_I_ should probably bring out some more cups, especially once word gets out that Thad had some coffee smuggled. Bella, there are plenty of young men here who would love to show off their Texas hospitality on the dance floor," Rebecca continued.

"No!" I interjected. "I mean, you've probably been on your feet all day. Please, let me get the coffee cups."

"Bella and I are the same type of dancer," Millie said, winking at her sister-in-law and nudging her with her shoulder.

"Well, in that case, thank you. The coffee cups are on the table by the kitchen pump. There should be plenty of trays available to carry them."

"When you're done with that, you can look for us at one of the tables by the barn," Millie said as they walked away.

Turning back the way we came, I saw the back entrance to the kitchen was blocked by a line of people waiting their turns at the refreshment table, so I decided to go through the front of the house. Once I squeezed my way to the porch, it appeared as if the number of people gathered had doubled since we first walked through. I looked around for the easiest path to get to the kitchen, and just as I started to move forward, I tripped.

I slammed into the back of a man standing in front of me. As he turned to steady me, I gasped, finally positive all of this was a dream.

"Jasper?"

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**Author Notes:** Thank to everyone who has reviewed, I love hearing all of your thoughts. I reply to all reviews with a teaser for the next chapter. This was an exciting week for LoG, because it was recommended on WordyBitches. The story was also nominated for a GEM award (Jasper round) for most original plot and best new author. Links to both are in my profile.

**Historical Notes:**

What Millie said about men paying to get out of service was accurate. In April 1862, a mandatory service draft started for men 18 to 35 (18 to 45 by the fall of 1862 and even later lowered to 17 to 45). Exempt were teachers, government and railroad workers, those on the Texas frontier who needed to guard against Native American attacks, and a few others. A man could pay someone else to take his place. Needless to say, many rich men stayed home, and many poor farmers were sent to fight. While the public opinion about of the conscription laws in Texas was highly unfavorable, the opinions about those who tried to avoid it were even worse.

Coffee was impossible to procure without turning to the black market in 1862 because of Union blockades. Other items that were no longer available for household purchase were needles, thread, cloth, sugar, flour, and many medicines. On the other side, the blockades also kept cotton from getting to the North, leaving over 75 percent of New England's textile mills temporarily closed. New England and New York State wanted to invade East Texas just for the cotton.

The lack of wheat flour was why Rebecca could only serve corn bread to so many people. Serving corn bread would have been embarrassing, because corn and corn meal were thought of as lower class foods only fit for animals and slaves. Many families in the South had to make due with whatever meal they could find for bread, though.


	7. Chapter 7

_Previously:_

_I slammed into the back of a man standing in front of me. As he turned to steady me, I gasped, finally positive all of this was a dream. _

"_Jasper?"_

* * *

**Chapter 7**

I was definitely in the arms of Jasper Hale. Just as I started to focus on his gray eyes, I became dizzy and felt myself losing my balance even more.

"Whoa, there," Jasper said with a more pronounced Texas accent than I remembered him having. "Let's find you a seat."

Jasper helped me up the final porch step and onto a wooden bench against the house. As he sat down next to me, I couldn't find it in me to be embarrassed about swooning—I'm sure that happened all the time to genteel southern ladies, right?—because I was so amazed at seeing him as a human. He had been human in my dream with Jacob and Maria, but I was so focused on making him leave that I didn't get more than a general impression of his face.

Outside of my earlier dream, my first glimpse of a Cullen as a human was jolting. Secretly, I had hoped they were all average-looking mortals who underwent magnificent transformations when they became gorgeous vampires. Then, at least, there would be some hope for me once I made the change. However, as I studied Jasper's face, I was shocked that he was just as attractive in 1862 as he was in 2006.

His hair was a little darker blond but still had a slight wave to it as it curled around his ears. The lines of his face were not the hard, granite edges I knew but still strong and masculine. More surprising even than his gray eye color was the slight stubble on the side of his face, indicating that either he hadn't shaved since this morning or that he was rushed when he did it this evening. My fingers practically itched to touch his face, just to see if it felt warm. He had a square jawline, a faint indentation in his chin, and high cheekbones with cheeks that were beginning to flush.

"Um," Jasper stammered, looking away and reminding me that I wasn't hiding my stare from him. "You clearly know who _I_ am, but should I know who you are?"

"Oh, yes, of course. Sorry," I said shaking my head. "You're Jasper, and I'm Bella. Bella Swan. Well, it's Isabella, but just Bella. Please."

I sounded like an idiot.

"Well, Just Bella—Bella Swan—it's nice to meet you," he said, taking my gloved hand and kissing it.

I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks and felt foolish. I couldn't believe Jasper Hale—Civil War era Jasper Hale—just kissed my hand. It was something that always looked over the top in movies, yet when Jasper did it, it was so natural that he looked as if he had invented the social convention himself.

"How do you know the Whitlocks?" I asked him as he dropped my hand back to my lap.

"I'm Jasper _Whitlock_. I'm sorry, when you called me Jasper, I assumed you knew that," he said, looking at me curiously.

"Whitlock?"

Jasper Whitlock? Of course, he wasn't Jasper _Hale_. I remembered Edward telling me Hale was Rosalie's name as a human. Jasper so rarely crossed my mind—unless as a part of Jasper-and-Alice—that I never thought to ask what his real last name was.

"Of course you are. I don't know where my head is. You and Millie bear a resemblance," I said quickly.

I _really_ sounded like an idiot. Hopefully, I would wake up any minute and this embarrassment would end.

"Aunt Millie. So, that's why your name is familiar. You're her boarder; Mother says you've been a great help to my aunt this last week. Thank you. I know it can be lonely in that house by herself. When I was home, I used to visit her as much as I could," Jasper said, pushing the hair back behind his ears.

"I'm the one who should be thankful; Millie has been wonderful to me," I said honestly. "You said 'when you were home;' where have you been otherwise?"

Jasper laughed. "I'm glad to see my mother hasn't been boring everyone with the details of my return. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I was at a camp outside of Galveston or running patrols in the city."

I nodded, realizing that Jasper must be one of the soldiers home on furlough.

"Your mother did say something about a promotion. Is that why you're home right now?"

I didn't know anything about military ranks and certainly not anything about those of the Confederate Army. I didn't want to make a fool out of myself by asking silly questions.

"I was promoted to major just before the Battle of Galveston Harbor, and that mess is why so many of us are on furlough," Jasper said with his mouth in a tight line.

Even with an unhappy expression on his face, he was still handsome, but I wasn't sure what had made him so upset.

"The harbor is a mess?"

"I guess you would have been traveling from Arkansas when the news hit the papers, but I am surprised Millie didn't tell you all about it. On the fourth, the city was officially overtaken by the Union, and all Confederate soldiers were removed. The camps have so few resources as it is that, with nothing to do temporarily, that those of us whose families were less than ninety miles away were ordered home until we regroup."

The look on Jasper's face as he spoke about the military was intense and reminded me of the vampire he would become—or once was—or was when I was awake. I was starting to become confused again, and I decided it would be best if I didn't think too hard.

"Were you in the city when it was overtaken?" I couldn't remember all of the details Alice had told me.

"No," Jasper said, looking over the lawn, which had started to clear as more people began dancing.

"I wish I had been. I felt useless not being there. In May, the civilians were ordered out of the city, but there was nowhere for them to go. Houston's already full of refugees from Louisiana and was running out space."

Jasper leaned back on the bench and put his arms behind his head. From the sound of his voice to the image of him breathing and fidgeting, his human qualities were riveting.

"After a few months, the livestock and supplies were ordered to be taken from the city. With Union mortar boats moving into the harbor, we had to remove the remaining civilians, at least the women and children. There were troops in Houston already setting up additional temporary housing, so my orders were to escort the refugees and then come home to stay with my parents until further word."

When he was done, he sighed and looked at me.

"I apologize. I'm sure I have bored you. This isn't exactly wonderful party conversation. You should be off talking or dancing with one of the other men, perhaps one who was actually helpful at Galveston."

The shame in his eyes tore at my heart, and it was a look I was tired of seeing on Jasper's face, whether in my dream or in real life.

"Nonsense. I promise you there is no one I would rather be speaking to tonight. Moreover, of course you did something useful. Think of how many lives you must have saved by getting all of those people out of the city. That makes you, Major Whitlock, a hero."

Before I could say anything else to him, we were interrupted by Frances coming up the steps from the yard.

"There you are! Millie sent me to see if I could find you. She was worried you got lost between the side yard and the kitchen," Frances said, smiling and slightly out of breath. She looked as if she had been enjoying her time on the dance floor.

I jumped up, realizing that I had forgotten all about the coffee cups I was supposed to be getting.

"I'm so sorry. I ran into Jasper—"

"Quite literally," he interrupted, chuckling and standing up as well to nod a greeting to Frances.

"Yes, quite literally," I said with a slight grimace, "and as he was describing his time in Galveston, the cups slipped my mind. I'll get them right away"

I started to move toward the front door.

"Don't fret; Millie and Rebecca will both be pleased that you're having a good time and that you got the opportunity to meet the man of the evening," Frances said while heading back toward the music.

As I opened the screen door, I called to her, "Thank you for reminding me, Frances, and thank you for such a lovely dress."

She smiled and waved as she disappeared around the side of the house. I stepped inside the house, which like the porch, had been considerably cleared of people, and went toward the kitchen with Jasper.

"I thought I would help you, because technically I'm the reason you were remiss in delivering them," Jasper said while holding open the kitchen door.

Once in the room, he moved around me and started piling cups from the hutch onto a wooden tray, leaving me with nothing to do but watch him. When he was done, he turned to me with the tray in his hands.

"I'm sorry to hear about your aunt."

My aunt? Both Charlie and Renée were only children, and I was momentarily confused. Then I remembered the story Millie had told the girls, and, clearly, her family as well. I had forgotten I was supposed to be mourning my great-aunt.

"Oh, thank you. It's kind of you to say something," I said, temporarily interested in the floor.

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be saying to Jasper or why I would be dreaming of him. As he was telling me his story of leaving Galveston, I remembered that Alice had said Maria changed him when he was returning to the city immediately after the evacuation. In this dream, or alternate universe, or wherever I was, Jasper hadn't returned. Apparently, I was living in a version of his story where he didn't become a vampire.

I didn't want to keep him from the party, but I was really enjoying talking to Jasper. While Millie had been incredibly kind to me during my time here, it was nice to see a (somewhat) familiar face.

As I looked up, Jasper was moving toward the back door and nodded his head in indication that I should follow. We stepped out toward the refreshment tables, and I helped Jasper unload the cups. It seemed odd to watch him do something so mundane and domestic.

The music had picked up, and the raised dance floor was nearly filled to capacity. I hoped that Mr. Whitlock knew what he was doing when he built it, because the wood was truly taking a pounding. The intricate dancing amazed me. Everyone spun and circled in perfect timing, and I didn't know dancing like this could be done without someone calling the steps. The only time I had seen patterns and movements like this had been one terrible semester of junior high school, when my P.E. class did a unit on square dancing.

Jasper poured a glass of lemonade into a cup and handed it to me, noticing that I was watching the dancers.

"Miss Swan, might I have the honor of escorting you on the dance floor?" he said with a smile and slight bow.

"No," I blurted, spraying a bit of my lemonade. "I appreciate the offer, but I can't dance."

I started searching around for Millie. No matter how much I was enjoying Jasper's company, I was not going to let it lead me to a humiliating injury.

"Perhaps with the right partner?" Jasper asked as I shook my head.

"This is a party somewhat in my honor, and you did say I was a hero. I wouldn't want to pressure you, but I think that might entitle me to a dance."

I could feel my resolve weakening. I always thought that Edward and Alice had been able to get me to do whatever they wanted because of their dazzling skills; however, I felt myself being dazzled by human Jasper. This must be the explanation of his supernatural gift.

"I can see you're considering it," he said, the corners of his mouth turning up and revealing two slight dimples in his cheeks.

"I'm really terrible," I said, shaking my head of its stupor. "If you care at all for yourself or the well-being of your friends and family, you will not allow me to dance."

I tried to look as serious as possible, but I clearly missed my mark because Jasper laughed. It wasn't like the tinkling of bells or melodic cascade of the Cullens; instead, it was a warm, throaty sound that made me smile.

My attempt at forcefulness failed because, as Jasper took my elbow, I allowed myself to be led toward the dance floor. However, I was surprised when we passed the step up to the floor and walked around the platform until we were nearly behind the band. We were still in an illuminated portion of the yard and in view of a few tables, but we weren't standing in a large group of people.

"I believe you. You nearly took a spill just going up a stair. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself with a dance you don't know. The results could be disastrous," Jasper jokingly explained, easing my confusion as to why we were standing here.

He held his hands out to me, and I hesitantly stepped forward. No matter how much I loathed dancing, I was pleased that he didn't _make_ me go up on the platform with the other dancers. I had certainly been in that situation before.

Jasper was also right that, as the man of the evening, he was entitled a dance, and I couldn't think of when I might get the opportunity to dance with him again. Remembering the sight of him and Alice dancing at prom, I was both intimidated and curious as to whether it was a skill he held as a human.

"Just follow me. We'll go slowly, and I'll talk you through all of the steps," Jasper said as I grasped one of his hands and placed my other hand on his shoulder.

Jasper did talk me through every move we made, and I stepped on his feet only a few times. He laughed those occasions off, though, and explained that my foot felt like a feather after having once dropped a cannonball on his foot during a round of training. I eventually stopped thinking so much about how clumsy and off-beat I must be and started to actually enjoy myself.

It seemed like no time at all before the band was taking a break, and some of the partygoers started to gather their things and head toward the barn to fetch their carriages.

Jasper and I stepped apart just as Millie approached. She smiled at me and raised an eyebrow. I'm sure she was surprised to see me dancing after I was so vehement that it would never happen. However, she didn't say a word, simply glancing quickly at Jasper and back at me. It made my cheeks start to tingle that she would think there was a flirtation between us; after all, Jasper was my best friend's…something.

"Bella, I'm glad you've been having a good time, but we should head home if we're going to be back here in the morning to help clean. You'll get a chance to talk more to Rebecca, and you'll get to meet my brother. I didn't realize Thad would be playing all night," Millie said, pushing a strand of hair out of my face that must have fallen down while dancing. It was a very maternal thing to do.

"Of course. Good night, Jasper. It was wonderful to meet you," I said, knowing that when I woke up I would be glad for this brief glimpse of him as a human.

"Aunt Millie," Jasper said, stopping our retreat. "I'm sure there won't be that much to do around the house tomorrow. Perhaps Bella would like to join Emily and me in our trip to the north pasture."

"That's a wonderful idea. Bella, I'm sure you would much rather do that. You've not been out of the house all week until today," Millie replied.

"What do you say, Bella? Do you think you could find it in you to spend more time with me, even after I forced you to dance?" he asked with a chuckle in his voice.

"I think that can be arranged," I said, matching his smile.

I was honestly intrigued by Jasper, and as Millie and I left the dance, I found myself hoping I wouldn't wake up from this dream in the morning.

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**Author Note: **Well, what did you think of Jasper? Hopefully, he was worth the wait. Thank you all so much for your kind reviews; I appreciate all of them and always reciprocate with a teaser of the next chapter.

**Canon vs. History Note:** In this chapter, this story starts to differ from SM's canon because that storyline unfortunately differs from Civil War history. In _Eclipse_, we find out that Jasper joined the military in 1861 at the age of 16 and was turned in 1863 at the age of twenty when he was a mile outside of Galveston. (Clearly, the math doesn't work on this.) The circumstances that SM describes for the Battle of Galveston in 1863 are actually the details of the Battle of Galveston Harbor on October 4, 1862. I have decided for this story to try work as much as possible with the plot that SM provided while remaining faithful to the facts of history. Should you have any questions or concerns about this, please don't hesitate to send me a PM or mention it in your review.


	8. Chapter 8

_Previously:_

"_What do you say, Bella? Do you think you could find it in you to spend more time with me, even after I forced you to dance?" he asked with a chuckle in his voice._

"_I think that can be arranged," I said, matching his smile._

_I was honestly intrigued by Jasper, and as Millie and I left the dance, I found myself hoping I wouldn't wake up from this dream in the morning._

_

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**Chapter 8**

As Millie and I pulled up to the Whitlock farm the next morning, I was nervous about spending the day with Jasper and Emily. It took me hours to fall asleep the night before; I couldn't stop thinking about how oddly wonderful it was to meet Jasper as a human.

While I had some embarrassing moments at the dance, I was almost positive Jasper didn't suspect I was from the future. I needed to make sure that I wouldn't say anything that would change that.

We pulled into the barn, and Millie unhitched the horse so that he could feed in one of the stalls. I found it easier to get out of the wagon after having some practice, and as I headed toward the house, I noticed that two of the horses in the barn were wearing saddles.

The butterflies in my stomach increased as I thought about the prospect of mounting a horse. Jasper had said we were going to the north pasture, and I hadn't given any thought to how we might get there. I kept my fingers crossed that we could walk or take a wagon. Anyway, there were only two horses with saddles, and we would need one more for the three of us. Perhaps Jasper's dad had some reason to go somewhere on horseback.

As we were walking up the steps to the house, Millie grasped my arm to stop me.

"I'm so glad you agreed to go with Jasper and Emily today. It isn't that Rebecca and I wouldn't appreciate your company around the house, but Jasper could do with some female interaction."

I felt my face grow flush, not knowing what Millie was hinting.

"There's no need to worry; I wasn't insinuating anything. I just meant that he's spent so much time with the men in the camps that it will be nice for him to have a day where he doesn't have to think about the war or being a soldier. Being in your company will at least keep him from talking about it," Millie explained, calming me.

That made sense. I nodded, breathing out in relief. While I was fascinated by Jasper as human, I couldn't let anyone in his family get any matchmaking ideas. Regardless of what Alice said about her and Jasper not being mates, it would be too weird to think of Jasper _that_ way. More importantly, I was supposed to be thinking about a resolution to my problems with Edward.

As we came through the front door, we were met with the sight of Emily sitting on the sofa with her foot propped up.

"Bella, I'm so sorry!" she exclaimed upon seeing us.

Why would Emily be sorry? We hardly spoke to each other the night before, and I wracked my brain to think of anything she might have done to warrant an apology.

Emily must have seen my confusion. "I'm sorry you won't be able to go with Jasper to the north pasture today."

"Yes, someone over-did it last night," her father, Thad, said disapprovingly as he came down the stairs.

"Papa, I was just dancing."

"Maybe if you hadn't danced eight dances in a row with Paul Dearborn, your ankle wouldn't be in the state it is today."

Just then, Rebecca and Jasper came out of the kitchen. "Thad, please. It's been discussed. Paul Dearborn is—"

"Too old for her," Thad interrupted Rebecca, sitting down in a chair next to his daughter. Even though his words were gruff, he clearly wasn't that upset, as he leaned over and tugged on one of her braids.

"Bella, I'm sorry. Where are my manners? I didn't get a chance to formally meet you yesterday evening, and you've arrived to see me be a bit of brute," Thad said, standing back up to greet me.

I started to cross the room to meet him, but I tripped mid-step. Jasper quickly rushed over and grabbed my elbow to steady me.

"Is this a regular habit of yours or something you do only when I am around to catch you?" he asked with a slight drawl, smiling down at me.

My nerves returned. I wasn't sure if it was my humiliation that was making me uneasy or Jasper's smile. If it was the latter, I needed to put a stop to that right away. Then again, I felt the same slight flutter whenever I saw any of the Cullen men. It was unavoidable and natural considering their vampire charms and appeal. It didn't seem as appropriate with human Jasper, though. I had to hope that it was just a residual instinct.

The rest of the Whitlock family tried to hide their chuckles at Jasper's comment.

"Jasper, don't embarrass the girl. Bella, don't worry, we're used to ladies tripping. I'm not sure if my sister told you, but she has a case of two left feet as well," Thad said as he finished crossing the room to grasp my hand in greeting. When he took my hand, Jasper let go of my elbow; I hadn't realized he was still holding onto it.

"I am sorry that you won't be able to go to the north pasture today; I'm sure it would have been an enjoyable time," Thad continued.

Jasper cleared his throat and looked to his father. "Actually, I was hoping we could still go."

"Jasper," his mother gasped. "It was fine when Emily was going along, but now it wouldn't be appropriate."

"Mother, things aren't the same as they were when you were younger. With the war, things aren't even the same as they were three years ago," Jasper asserted.

"I'm of a mind to agree with him," Thad said.

I wasn't sure what to make of the conversation. Millie was standing by quietly, and Emily seemed on the edge of her seat.

"Thad, be serious," Rebecca countered.

"I am. Jasper isn't just any young man; he's our son and a major in the Confederate Army. No man could be more worthy of our trust."

"But Bella—"

"Bella did travel all the way from Little Rock without a chaperone. Clearly, her parents trust her judgment and maturity," Millie said, joining the conversation.

Upon hearing her mention "a chaperone," I finally understood what the issue was. That was why Emily had been apologizing for not being able to go. The idea of needing a family escort just to visit a field was so foreign to me.

"Not you, too," Rebecca proclaimed to Millie.

"Millie has taken it upon herself to see to Bella's well-being, and if she finds it acceptable, we shouldn't argue. As for Jasper, he is his own man and doesn't need to ask our permission for anything."

A look of respect passed between father and son.

"Fine. We'll leave the decision to Bella. We've forgotten to consider her comfort with this." Rebecca turned toward me.

"Um. I don't want to cause any trouble," I stammered, "but I'm okay with it being just the two of us."

"Wonderful," Jasper declared. "I'll just grab our lunch and meet you in the barn." Jasper quickly disappeared to the kitchen.

"Rebecca, Bella's company will be nice for Jasper. If he was willing to actually prepare a meal, then he must be excited," Millie said, subtly winking at me and pointing me toward the front door.

I walked slowly to the barn, realizing that the horses were indeed for the two of us to ride. Jasper must have been hoping I would come with him anyway, because he had gone ahead and saddled them.

When I entered the barn, I cautiously approached the closest horse. She was a deep cocoa brown with eyes that matched. While I was hesitant to ride her because of her size, I had to admit she was a magnificent-looking creature.

"Can I pet you?" I felt ridiculous talking to a horse, but I felt it best if I stated my intentions.

Just as I was tentatively reaching my hand out to stroke her neck, she swung her head around and smacked her gums toward my hand. I instinctively jumped back and let out a small yelp.

My cry was met with laughter. I turned around to see Jasper leaning casually against the barn door.

"You'll have to excuse her; Sidda isn't used to people coming up to her empty handed," he said, handing me a carrot.

I wasn't sure I wanted to volunteer my hand near her mouth again.

"Perhaps you better give it to her. I'll just watch."

Jasper put the carrot in the palm of his hand, and I watched while Sidda gently took it from him with her lips. Then, he repeated the process with the other horse, a butterscotch mare.

"I take it you don't have very much experience with horses," he said as he put our lunch in the second horse's saddlebag.

"Um . . . none. I don't have any experience with riding horses," I said nervously. Would this be something totally out of place in 1862?

"I forgot you were from 'in town.' Not to worry; I happen to be an excellent teacher," he said, running his hand through his blond curls. "Now that you're acquainted, you'll be with Sidda, and I'll take Grace."

I took in the sizes of both horses, still not sure this was a good idea. I didn't even know how to get on her, let alone what to do once I was up.

I bravely took a step closer to Jasper but stopped a couple feet from the horse, biting my lip.

"Bella, do you trust me?"

I nodded in reply.

"Then, you need to trust yourself as well," Jasper said while reaching behind him for a small stool.

He set the stool underneath Sidda's dangling stirrup and reached out his hand to me. I cautiously took Jasper's hand, hoping he wouldn't be able to tell how sweaty my palms were through my gloves.

"Step onto the mounting block and then grab onto the horn with your left hand," he said, pointing to leather knob at the front of the saddle. "Riding this way might not be as proper as riding sidesaddle, but I promise it will be easier. This is the way my mother and sister ride, anyway."

I did as Jasper instructed, and he told me to go ahead and put my foot in the stirrup.

"You'll need to swing yourself up and over. Ready?" he asked, eyes sparkling.

I hoisted myself onto the horse with Jasper's help and quickly arranged my skirts to cover both legs, finally glad for all of that fabric. While I wasn't sure how out of place my inability to ride was in 1862, I knew I shouldn't be flashing my ankles.

When I stopped fidgeting and looked down at Jasper, I was struck by how high off the ground I was. Not only was I towering over Jasper's tall frame, but I could feel every slight movement of the animal beneath me. I desperately grabbed at the horn to steady myself and felt my breath start to come in short bursts.

"Easy. Calm down," Jasper said, laying his hand on my waist. "Bella, look at me. You're fine. You got up on the horse, and I'm going to help you stay up there."

I grew calm as I maintained eye contact with Jasper, once again surprised by his gray eyes.

"That's it. Just keep looking at me." Jasper moved around Sidda and quickly mounted Grace, never once dropping his gaze from mine.

He leaned over and picked up my reins, joining them with his own.

"The horses have been where we're going so many times that they won't need to be led. You're welcome to hold onto your reins, or I can keep them so the horses stay close together. Then, should you feel you need it, you can take my hand at any time. I'll be right here."

I smiled at him; this wasn't the first time Jasper had been able to calm me down.

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**Author Note:** I would love to know how you found "Leaves of Grass" on FF and what else you're reading. I don't have that much time to read other fics, but I'm always looking for new recommendations.

Thank you so much to all of my reviewers. I appreciate all of your comments and always reply with a teaser for the next chapter.

LoG was nominated for a Vampie Award for best historical fic. Yay! A link to vote can be found in my profile.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author note: It's been a while since I've reminded you that all recognizable characters are the property of SM and that a huge thank you goes out to my wonderful betas Jointgifts and McGee42.**

* * *

_Previously:_

"_The horses have been where we're going so many times that they won't need to be led. You're welcome to hold onto your reins, or I can keep them so the horses stay close together. Then, should you feel you need it, you can take my hand at any time. I'll be right here."_

_I smiled at him; this wasn't the first time Jasper had been able to calm me down._

_

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_

**Chapter 9:**

I took a breath to steady myself, still maintaining eye contact with Jasper.

"I think it would be best if you held the reins for now. I don't think I could let go of the horn even if I tried."

Jasper looked down to where my hands were desperately clutching the saddle and smiled.

"Well, if you ever want them back, just ask. We're going to start out of the barn, okay? The horses will go nice and slow."

I nodded at him, unsure of how I would handle Sidda actually moving. Just the movement of her breathing beneath me made me a little panicky.

Jasper clicked his tongue and nudged Grace slightly with his boots, and she slowly started forward. Sidda moved at the same time, without me needing to prompt her.

The first steps we took were very slow, and I tried to look straight ahead and not at the ground. I didn't need any reminders of how far I would fall if I lost my balance.

The swaying of the horse still made me nervous, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Once I felt confident I wasn't suddenly going to tumble off her back, I tore my eyes from the path that led away from the barn.

When I looked over to Jasper, he was staring at me with one hand holding the reins in his lap and the other stretched out toward me, demonstrating how close we were.

"Is this okay?" he asked, dropping his hand.

"Yes."

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding.

"Jasper, I appreciate your concern for me, but would you mind watching the path?"

What was it with the men in the Cullen family while they were driving? Even as humans they didn't look where they were steering!

Jasper chuckled and turned his face toward the path. We had passed the house and were on a wide, worn trail leading through the woods.

"Bella, I promise you have nothing to worry about. Sidda and Grace could get to the north pasture even without us on their backs."

"Good to know. I don't think I'm ready to let go of the horn yet, but I am starting to feel more relaxed on her back."

"I'm glad to hear it. Though I'm not sure how my mother and aunt would have felt about it, we could have taken the same horse, but I wanted you to be able to try to ride for yourself."

I hadn't even thought of us riding tandem. It was just as well; I wasn't sure how comfortable I would have been in such close contact with Jasper.

"Why did you want me to be able to do it myself?" I asked.

"Well, you never know what you're capable of until you try something. I think we learn who we are by making our own decisions and making our own ways in life," Jasper answered while handing over my reins.

I felt confident enough to take them from his hand.

I was absolutely floored by what Jasper had said. This was exactly the point I wanted Edward to understand. I didn't just want to be an active participant in our relationship; I wanted to direct my own life. Not just for us, but for me.

He felt it was so important I remain human, but he could only see the _human_ aspect of my life. He didn't comprehend that, regardless of my mortal status, I needed to be my own person first.

"That's very wise of you to say," I told him.

"Aww," he said, brushing off the compliment. "That's probably just the Texan in me coming out. We're all for doing things ourselves. That's the reason we're going out to the north pasture today."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"When the war's over, I'll need to make my own way, out from under my father's roof. When I first arrived home on furlough, he signed over a bit of land to me that I can start to work when I'm home for good. Today, I wanted to choose where my house would go. I was hoping you would help me decide."

I hadn't realized that our trip was so important. I hadn't actually given any thought as to why would be going.

"Wouldn't you rather have someone else come with you, someone more qualified, someone who has built a house before?"

"Well, I was kind of hoping for a lady's perspective," he said, turning his head away from me like he was embarrassed to continue, "seeing as how I hope a lady will one day live in the house with me."

"Oh, I see. I would be more than happy to help in any way I can, though I can't guarantee I'll be of much use."

I wondered what kind of woman Jasper would marry. After only knowing him with Alice, I couldn't imagine him with someone like Millie's friends, Lottie, Margaret, or Frances. While they were all nice and sweet, I couldn't see Jasper with someone so mild-mannered. Perhaps it took being changed by Maria and spending so many years alone for Jasper to become the type of man who could be with Alice. Maybe 1862 Jasper would think a soft-spoken, timid wife was perfect for him.

"Will you miss living with your family?" I asked, turning my attention back to the conversation.

"We won't exactly be far apart," he joked.

"Right," I said, rolling my eyes at my own foolishness.

"Anyway, I think after my time in the camps, a little time alone will be nice. After being in charge of so many men, I don't think I could ever really go back to the role of dutiful son, either. There's been a bit of struggle between my parents and me since I've been home. This move will be good for them, too."

"I can't imagine what life in the camps must be like or what it must be like to be away from your family for so long," I said.

"You don't want to imagine life in the camps, and you must have some idea of what it's like to be away from your family for so long; you've been here for a couple weeks now."

I kept forgetting my own backstory. Even though I wasn't really from Little Rock, Jasper was right; I did know what it was like to be away from family. For nearly my whole life, I had been away from one parent or the other.

"You're right. Being so far away from home, everything is new and sometimes confusing, but it can't even compare to your situation. The reason I left home was to get away from the war; you left to join it."

"True," Jasper replied. "Do you think you would be alright if we traveled a little faster? If you don't want to, we're in no hurry."

"I think I could handle it, but just a little."

"Good."

Jasper smiled widely, showing of his slight dimples. "Just apply some slight pressure to Sidda with your heels."

I did as Jasper said, and Sidda sped up just a little and Grace instantly matched her pace. You could hardly call the gait we were going faster than a walk, but I felt so proud of myself.

"Well?" he asked.

"I'm doing it! Maybe on the way home we can go even faster?"

I even surprised myself with my last comment.

"Maybe," Jasper said, grinning. "If not today, then another time. Before I leave, perhaps we'll even have you in a gallop."

"I think I'd like that."

Not only would I enjoy pushing myself and my level of comfort, but I would enjoy spending more time with Jasper.

I realized how closed off I had allowed myself to become over the last few years. When I lived in Phoenix, I was so busy taking care of household duties that I didn't have a lot in common with the other kids at school. Most high school students don't worry about shopping for dinner or making sure all of the utility checks had been mailed. I had some friends but not many.

When I moved to Forks, I was instantly swept into the world of the Cullens, and—save for Angela and Jake to some degree—I avoided forming other friendships.

I always thought that Edward's ability to show me new things was somehow tied to his immortality. I didn't realize that I could have these types of experiences with other friends. Until meeting Jasper as a human, I didn't know how much I had been missing.

"This is it," Jasper announced as the horses slowed to stop.

We were in the middle of a wide pasture surrounded by trees in various shades of green, orange, gold, and red. Off in the distance were gentle, rolling hills, and there was a small stream just inside the tree line to the right.

"It's beautiful," I said, genuinely in awe of the landscape. "Jasper, this will make an amazing place to live."

"I think so, too," he said, dismounting his horse.

Jasper came over to me, offering me one of his hands while he placed the other on my waist to steady me as I rather ungracefully slid off Sidda. When I had my feet firmly on the ground, he turned to grab a bundle from Grace's saddlebag.

"I figured we would eat lunch first and then plot out where to put the house."

"That sounds like a plan," I said as my stomach rumbled on cue.

We made our way through the knee-high grass until we were a short distance away from horses.

"Should we tie them up?" I asked as Jasper spread a blanket on the ground.

"No, they'll be fine," he replied, sitting down with our lunch in his hands, motioning for me to join him.

"I packed a couple sandwiches as well as some cooked greens, apples, and a jar of coffee. I know it isn't the fanciest fare, but they are all things I can only get outside of camp."

"Why is that?" I asked.

"As you know, the blockades have cut off coffee for everyone, but we rarely get fresh fruits or vegetables or even bread."

"What do you eat, then?"

"Mainly salted pork, dried beans, and cornbread. Three meals a day."

"Yum," I said, laughing while pulling off my gloves and grabbing a sandwich.

"Going without coffee is definitely the worst. On occasion, when we can get enough beans, we smash them with the butts of our rifles before boiling them. Otherwise, the men in my camp have experimented with boiling peas, chicory, potatoes, and peanuts to try to find something that would taste similar."

"No success?"

I couldn't imagine drinking the water from boiled peanuts.

"Not even close," he answered jovially.

We ate our lunch in companionable silence, and when we were done, Jasper grabbed some wooden stakes and twine from his bag.

"You can stay seated," he said as he started to walk closer to the trees.

"I was thinking that I would want the house to have a similar style and layout to my parents' and that I would want the porch to face the center of the meadow. What do you think of here as a location for a front door?" Jasper asked expectantly.

"I think that's perfect."

At hearing my words, Jasper practically beamed. He set to putting stakes in the ground with twine running between them in order to mark where the front of the house would be.

"I like that my parents have their kitchen on the side of the house, because that makes it easy to bring things in from the barn, but my mother has always complained that she doesn't have much of view."

"You could always put the kitchen in the back of the house with the windows facing the stream," I suggested.

"Yes!" Jasper said, nearly running to put in more stakes closer to the woods. "Then you—one—could watch the wildlife come up to the stream throughout the day while doing dishes or preparing food."

"That would be a lot better that staring at a barn while doing your work."

When Jasper stopped tying the twine between all of the posts, he stopped to look at me. "So you think this spot will work for a home?"

"I think it will be wonderful."

It made me so happy to see Jasper look so delighted. It was an expression I didn't even think his face could make before today.

After stowing the remainder of the things he had brought, he reached to take my hand to help me up. As his hand grasped my ungloved hand for the first time, I gasped.

* * *

**Author Note:** Any guesses as to what happened? Thank you so much to all of my reviewers. I appreciate all of your comments and always reply with a teaser for the next chapter.

LoG was nominated for a Vampie Award for best historical fic. Yay! A link to vote can be found in my profile.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author note:** I have been blown away by all of your wonderful reviews. Thank you so much. I love hearing what you think about Bella's journey, and your words mean so much to me. Due to the amazing response (and because this chapter is so short), I decided to treat you to two chapters in quick succession. After this, it will be back to weekly Wednesday updates.

* * *

_Previously:_

"_So you think this spot will work for a home?"_

"_I think it will be wonderful." It made me so happy to see Jasper look so . . . delighted. It was an expression I didn't even think his face could make before today._

_After stowing the remainder of the things he had brought, he reached to take my hand to help me up. As his hand grasped my ungloved hand for the first time, I gasped. _

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 10:**

When Jasper's bare hand touched mine, I felt a tingle run up my arm. It wasn't the somewhat dizzying electric current I felt whenever I touched Edward or the all-encompassing heat of Jacob's grasp. The magic in Jasper's touch came from all the things that were _right_ with it, not all the things that were _wrong_; there was nothing supernatural or otherworldly about it. While my nerve endings were humming from the contact, it felt comfortable and wonderfully _human_.

I realized I had never had that sort of contact with a human boy before, though it hardly seemed appropriate to label Jasper a boy. I had never dated before Edward, and except for him and Jake, the only male hand I had ever held before was Charlie's. I was probably seven the last time that happened, and I certainly didn't remember it feeling quite like that. Quite so nice.

Before it became awkward, I dropped Jasper's hand and thanked him for helping me up.

I reminded myself that no matter how much I enjoyed the simplicity and ease of being around Jasper, I should probably avoid skin-to-skin contact in the future. The slight smile on his face made me think he had enjoyed the moment as much as I had, and I didn't want to go down a path that would confuse either one of us.

Human or not, Jasper was Alice's . . . whatever, and I still hadn't made a decision about my future with Edward and whether we would continue to be together or not. After experiencing a little taste of freedom and autonomy during my day with Jasper, I was definitely starting to lean toward one choice over the other.

As I sat astride Sidda after a small boost from Jasper, I wanted to mentally distance myself from whatever I felt at our touch.

"Jasper, do you mind telling me why you joined the army?" I asked as he mounted Grace.

"It isn't the most interesting story, but I surely don't mind telling you."

Just then, I remembered that Millie had wanted Jasper to spend the day with me so he could enjoy his time not focusing on the army. I had unwittingly made him do exactly the opposite.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to explain. I shouldn't pry, and you should have a day where you don't have to think about being a soldier," I backpedaled, worried that Jasper was just trying to be nice by offering his story.

"It truly isn't a problem—as long as you don't mind being bored. And, Bella, I am a soldier; there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of that, no matter how far away from the front I am."

Jasper gently tapped Grace's flanks with his heels and headed in the opposite direction from where we came.

"Are we not going back to the house?" I asked as Sidda started to follow.

"Well, I thought I would give you time to hear my story and the opportunity to see more of the property. We'll loop back around toward the house by way of the woods and the cotton fields. Is that okay? If you still aren't comfortable on Sidda, we can take the direct way home, or you're welcome to ride along with me," he offered with a wry grin.

"Hey now, I'm the one who said we could take it a little faster on the way home—perhaps not while there are trees I could hit, though. I would say that I've adjusted to riding pretty quickly for someone from 'in town,' as you put it," I countered, hoping Jasper wouldn't find my banter too forward or rude.

"My apologies, Miss. I would say that you have adjusted nicely, especially as I was a little worried you wouldn't make it out of the barn this morning," he teased right back.

"All right, Major, enough with mocking my initial lack of horse finesse; I do believe you said you were going to bore me. While I don't think that will be the case, I'm eager to hear about why you would lie about your age to join the army when you could have just stayed safe at home."

"How did you know I lied about my age?" Jasper asked, the smile suddenly gone from his face.

Crap. Things were going so well, and I finally messed them up.

Rational thought suddenly flew from my brain. There was no way I could tell him the truth: "In my reality, you're actually a vampire—but a vegetarian vampire—and your buoyant pixie of a pseudo-mate told me you lied about your age. Oh, and in my world it's 2006, and, I hate to break it to you, the South loses the war."

Did they have straitjackets in 1862?

"I suppose Millie let that one slip?" he asked.

I nodded and was blushing furiously, feeling foolish that I hadn't thought of Millie as an excuse.

"That's alright; I would've told you anyway. Last year, shortly after the surrender of Fort Sumter, Texas began recruiting mounted riflemen for the Confederate cause. I've always been a good shot, so I enlisted in May."

"And you weren't scared at all?" I asked.

No matter how good I was at something, I couldn't imagine joining the army because of it.

"Scared?" Jasper scoffed. "No. People 'round here didn't think the war would last very long—not with the Northern need for cotton—so I thought it would be a fun, brief adventure. Honestly, I didn't even think the war would come west of Tennessee."

I felt a little sorry for Jasper. I couldn't remember exactly when the Civil War ended, but I knew that in October 1862, we were still a while from that date.

"That doesn't explain why you would need to change your age, though," I quickly added.

"Even if I told them I was only eighteen, I still would have been allowed to join; now, I would be _required_ to join at eighteen. However, I felt I would be taken more seriously if they thought I was twenty. Now that I'm a major, I can't help but think my falsified age had something to do with me rising through the ranks," he said with a shy smile.

"How did your parents react to you joining?"

I couldn't imagine any mother being happy that her son had joined the military, no matter how short people thought the war would be.

"They were as proud of me as a private as they are of me now," Jasper said just as we passed through the woods into what must have been one of the cotton fields.

We were surrounded by a sea of amber-colored twigs with the occasional dot of white fluff left behind during the harvest.

"It isn't much to look at now," Jasper said, gesturing to the field, "but it is quite the sight when all of the blossoms are on. When I was younger, I used to love to come out here with a blanket and read, pretending I was in the middle of a snow storm."

I tried to imagine the whole field covered in white. Having grown up without snow, as well, I could understand how fun it must have been to pretend.

"What a magical memory," I told him.

Jasper looked embarrassed to have shared that much with me. I was touched he felt comfortable enough around me to tell me something about his childhood.

"What sort of things do you like to read?" I asked.

"I obviously don't get a lot of time to read now, except for letters from my family," Jasper answered as we continued through the field.

"I used to love going through the books in my father's library; for a farmer, he's got quite the collection. A few years ago, a friend of his who moved east sent him a copy of a book called _Leaves of Grass_. That was my favorite."

"I've always liked Walt Whitman," I said, glad that Jasper mentioned a work with which I was familiar.

Suddenly, Jasper pulled Grace to a halt and Sidda quickly stopped as well, making me catch myself on the saddle horn.

"You've read Whitman's work?" he asked, seeming to choke on the words.

"Of course," I said, completely perplexed by how serious Jasper was acting.

Didn't women read in the 1860s? I felt myself growing a little offended that he would be so shocked.

"I _can_ read, Jasper. I may not know that much about life in Texas, but I do know that the women around here do more than just cook, knit, and sew."

I didn't care what year it was, I wasn't going to listen to an argument about the supposed intellectual inferiority of women.

"Whoa," Jasper said, with his hands up as if he was offering to surrender. "Bella, I certainly didn't mean to offend you. I'm just . . . shocked. First, I know there weren't that many copies of the book published, and I used to have to _sneak_ that book out of my father's office. I read it in the field because I couldn't risk reading it in the house."

"Oh. Why?" I asked, feeling contrite.

"Why?" Jasper looked even more surprised than before. "Little Rock must be a lot more liberal than Houston. The day my mother first found the book in my father's desk was the last day it lived in the house. Thank goodness neither of them knew I had ever read it. It was . . . um . . . scandalous to read."

Jasper looked uncomfortable. Apparently, either people were much more sensitive in the nineteenth century, or I wasn't properly remembering _Leaves of Grass_. I had studied part of it in English class in Phoenix, so if we read it in high school, it couldn't be all that bad.

As we neared the house, I concluded that I would simply have to find a way to refresh my memory.

* * *

**Author note:** Thank you so much for all of the fabulous reviews and recommendations. I answer all of my reviews with a teaser for the next chapter. In addition to letting me know what else you're reading, please feel free to pimp your own fics and let me know what you're writing.

**Historical vs. Canon note: **Jasper's backstory in this chapter is different from SM's. She states that he was almost 17 when he joined in 1861 (so his birthday is after April when the war started) and was 20 in 1863 when turned after the Battle of Galveston (January 1863) or the Battle of Galveston Harbor (October 1862). I like the idea of Jasper's immortal age being 20, so because I can do math, Jasper would have been 18, almost 19, when he joined the army in May 1861. The age Jasper told the recruiters was never mentioned in the books, so I decided to make that age 20 as well.

The first publication of _Leaves of Grass _was in 1855, and that first printing was only of about 800 copies. Shortly after its release, Whitman was fired from his position in the Department of the Interior because of his writings. To say that his poems were met with moral outrage would be putting it mildly.


	11. Chapter 11

_Previously:_

"_Little Rock must be a lot more liberal than Houston. The day my mother first found the book in my father's desk was the last day it lived in the house. Thank goodness neither of them knew I had ever read it. It was . . . um . . . scandalous to read."_

_Jasper looked uncomfortable. Apparently, either people were much more sensitive in the nineteenth century, or I wasn't properly remembering _Leaves of Grass_. I had studied part of it in English class in Phoenix, so if we read it in high school, it couldn't be all that bad. _

_As we neared the house, I concluded that I would simply have to find a way to refresh my memory._

* * *

**Chapter 11:**

As Jasper and I rode back to his parents' house, I was busy thinking how I could procure a new copy of _Leaves of Grass _for him, especially if it was as questionable as he made it seem. Perhaps Millie would know where there was a bookstore in Houston.

I was so lost in thought that, at first, I didn't notice when the horses sped up. Jasper had urged Grace to go faster, and Sidda followed suit. Surprisingly, I handled it very well and wasn't even nervous about the pace. In fact, I spent the rest of the short ride laughing.

When we returned to the barn, Jasper told me he would be busy helping his father with end-of-the-season farm business but would try to see me as much as he could before returning to camp. I was definitely looking forward to spending more time with him. I might have been looking forward to it too much.

The next week flew by as I stayed busy assisting Millie. She insisted that in addition to my room and board, I take a small amount of money for all of my help around the house and farm. I hesitantly accepted it, and if I hadn't really wanted this gift for Jasper, I never would have taken it. Knowing how much I wanted to locate _Leaves of _Grass, Millie tried to help me locate a bookstore that was still open. Nearly all books were printed in the North, and because money to purchase such things was in short supply, most shops had closed. However, we were able to find a general store on the opposite side of town that carried books.

When I went to inquire about the book, the woman working the counter informed me that her husband was away at war, and she had been manning the store in his absence. She wasn't sure what books they had in stock, but when she went to check, I was in luck. I quickly paid for the book with money I and had her wrap it up; I didn't want to be tempted to read it without him. The 1855 edition was very short, and I was hoping that we could read it together.

We hadn't spent any time alone since our ride to the north pasture, but I had seen him frequently throughout the week. One night, he came over to Millie's for supper with Emily, because his parents were out for the evening. Millie had been teaching me her recipes, and dinner was my sole handiwork. Jasper was certainly complimentary, and seeing his genuine happiness with the meal made me eager to try to make it someday for Charlie.

At some point, I stopped thinking I was going to wake up. I wasn't sure how it was possible, but I was finally convinced I wasn't dreaming. I had truly traveled either back in time or to another dimension. I was enjoying myself so much, I didn't really care which one it was. However, whenever I had thoughts of making dinner for Charlie, when I learned something I knew Renée would find interesting, or I mastered a period hairstyle Alice would like on me, I couldn't help feeling a little sad. No matter how much I cared for Millie and all the Whitlocks, I wondered how I would ever get back to my real home—_if_ I ever would. I still had faith in the fact that Alice told me I needed to open my mind and my heart. I hoped that was still true.

In addition to dinner at Millie's with Jasper, she and I had traveled to the Whitlocks' a couple of times to help Rebecca with her fall canning. One afternoon while we were there, Emily decided I needed to learn how to dance properly. She couldn't fathom how I had gotten to my age without having ever learned. At that comment, Millie rolled her eyes and promptly abandoned me for the kitchen. Emily's ankle was feeling much better, so she offered to be my partner. Unfortunately, that didn't go well, because Emily only knew the lady's part of most dances.

As were laughing over this, Jasper started coming down the stairs, catching us both off guard. I hadn't even realized he was in the house.

"What has you two so atwitter?" he asked.

"I was trying to teach Bella how to dance, and we realized that I don't know how to be the gentleman," Emily explained.

"Then today is your lucky day, because I happen to excel at being a gentleman," Jasper said with a short, and somewhat, mocking bow.

"Jasper, I appreciate the offer, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea," I said as he indicated Emily should sit at the piano.

"Nonsense. You did perfectly well at the dance outside, and, if I remember correctly, you actually enjoyed yourself."

"Yes, but perhaps we shouldn't tempt fate twice. I'm not exactly coordinated. Emily hurt herself dancing, and she _knows_ how to dance," I argued as Jasper started to clear furniture to the outer sides of the room.

"Bella," Jasper said, placing his hand on my waist and grabbing my hand. "You didn't get hurt at the dance. You didn't get hurt when we went riding, and you won't get hurt now. Trust me. Trust _yourself_."

Jasper was right. I had recently spent months trying new things—dangerous things—riding a motorcycle, cliff diving, facing a room of sadistic vampires. If I could do these things in order to hear Edward or to save him, but I couldn't do something as small as dancing for myself, then there was something wrong. Anyway, I had had a good time when we were dancing before.

Jasper sensed that my mood had changed and nodded to Emily. "We'll start with something simple, a waltz."

Emily started to play a slow ballad, and Jasper drew me in just a little closer to him. There was still a respectable distance between us, but I was close enough to take in his faint scent of cedar, leather, and hay. There was nothing overt to his fragrance, yet again reminding me that I was in the company of a human man and not a vampire. I certainly liked it and couldn't stop myself from smiling.

"This will be fairly easy. It's a slow _1_-2-3 in an L-shape. When you've got that down, just relax and follow my lead," Jasper assured me, making eye contact.

As we slowly started moving to Emily's music, I had to stop myself from actually counting out loud. After I managed our box a few times, Jasper gently led me to the side. Soon, we were rotating around the room, and I was amazed I hadn't stumbled or stepped on his feet once.

"You're doing it," Jasper whispered, smiling from ear to ear.

I really was. I, Bella Swan, was dancing. Dancing _well_. I couldn't believe it.

"I am. I really am!" I exclaimed as we spun around laughing.

"Yes, you are. You're dancing. You're . . . beautiful," Jasper said, squeezing my waist as the song ended.

We stopped moving, but Jasper didn't drop his hands or my gaze. Then his eyes slowly traveled from my eyes to my lips.

I was so caught up in the moment—the dance, Jasper's scent, the firm but yielding touch of his hand—that I just stared back up at him. Then, I quickly came to my senses and started backing away.

"I'm sorry, I should go see if Millie and your mother need my help with the preserves in the kitchen," I stammered, tripping a little as I made way across the room.

"Bella—" Jasper started.

"Thank you for the dance, Jasper. I'm sure you must have other things to do," I said hastily, my face burning.

As I pushed into the kitchen, I felt slightly bad for dismissing him, but I couldn't understand what had happened. Things had been going so well, and we were having a good time. I thought that over the last week we had really been becoming friends. I was frustrated that Jasper would want to change that.

I tried to think of a time when I might have led Jasper on, but when searching my memories, all I could find were times when I was taken with him. Clearly, we both felt an attraction. I wasn't sure what to do about it, but I knew I couldn't act on it. No matter what Jasper really was to Alice in 2006, I couldn't do that to her. Moreover, no matter what Edward was to me now that I had made up mind, I couldn't do that to him, not until he knew.

I would just have to find a way to be around Jasper without encouraging anything more than friendship. Thinking of my relationship with Jake, that task might be harder than I thought, but I knew that for both of our sakes, I would need to try. Selfishly, I didn't want to give up spending time with him. Maybe we should just avoid dancing together.

Ignoring the inquisitive looks from Rebecca and Millie, I went back into the front room to find Jasper heading toward the porch.

"I'm sorry about leaving like that," I started.

"Bella—"

I interrupted Jasper again, trying not to focus on how dejected his face looked. "I was hoping we could go riding to the north pasture tomorrow; I have something for you."

"All right then. I would love to," he answered, the smile returning to his eyes.

I hoped I was making the right decision. Spending time alone was potentially risky, but I really wanted to give him the copy of the book. As long as we didn't have any physical contact, I couldn't foresee anything going wrong.

**Author Note: **Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews. I cannot express how much they mean to me. I always reply to them with a teaser for the next chapter.

If you haven't already seen it LoG has a new banner made by the fabulous Ms_Ambrosia. The link is in my profile.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author Note: Yay an early update! I'm having guests this week, so I needed to update before Wednesday. I hope you don't mind. Chapter 13 will be up next Wednesday as planned. Enjoy.**

_Previously: _

_I interrupted Jasper again, trying not to focus on how dejected his face looked. "I was hoping we could go riding to the north pasture tomorrow; I have something for you." _

"_All right then. I would love to," he answered, the smile returning to his eyes._

_I hoped I was making the right decision. Spending time alone was potentially risky, but I really wanted to give him the copy of the book. As long as we didn't have any physical contact, I couldn't foresee anything going wrong. _

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 12:**

The ride out to the north pasture with Jasper didn't have the same sense of frivolity as our previous interactions. In a short period, I had become comfortable with Sidda and couldn't even count on my horse riding nerves as a distraction.

Instead of talking, Jasper stayed focused on the path ahead, and I worried about whether yesterday's declaration and subsequent dismissal had ruined our chance at friendship. So far, he had barely spoken to me, and our contact as he helped me mount the saddle was at an absolute minimum. As we neared the location of Jasper's future house, I hoped that my gift of _Leaves of Grass _would be enough to overcome the awkwardness.

When we stopped the horses, Jasper didn't even look me in the eye when he helped me down.

"Jas—"

He cut me off. "I wasn't sure how long you would want to be out, but I did pack something to eat and a blanket." The sheepish look he wore looked out of place on his strong face.

"Good. I was hoping we could spend a bit of time here," I said cheerfully, hoping to lighten the tense mood.

I grabbed the blanket from Jasper's hand, spread it out on the ground, and then gracelessly found my spot on it. I patted the blanket next to me while shielding my eyes from the sun.

"I have something for you I think you'll like. Well, at least, I hope you'll like it."

"You didn't have to do that. After yesterday . . ." He trailed off.

"It's something I got earlier in the week, and we don't have to talk about yesterday. Though, thank you for teaching me to dance. I thought it would be an impossible task."

Jasper finally started to smile as he sank to his knees on the blanket.

"If I can be trusted to lead troops into battle, I should at least be able to teach someone how to waltz. However, I'm not sure which task is the easier of the two." He laughed, dodging my swat to his shoulder.

"Hey! I wasn't that bad when we started. Furthermore, I didn't hurt either one of us. Not once," I protested.

"I beg your pardon, miss. You are quite right," he drawled.

"Don't try your Southern charms on me," I jokingly warned.

"Oh, _I_ can be charming, but _you_ aren't allowed to be beau—"

I stopped him before we had a repeat of the day before. I took the wrapped book out of my dress pocket and handed it to him.

"Thank you," he said. "I'm eager to see what my present is, or is it a reward?"

"A reward?" I asked.

"Of course—one for putting myself in harm's way. I _was_ in the path of a dancing Bella Swan."

He chuckled while undoing the string tied around the brown paper. I tried my hardest to scowl but was without success. I was glad we had quickly returned to our kidding banter of the days past, even if it was at my expense. I would gladly suffer any embarrassment or mockery so that I would never again see sadness and rejection on Jasper's face.

When Jasper uncovered the front of the book, he gasped slightly.

"How did you find this? Is it the same copy?" He looked at me in awe.

"No. After going to a half dozen stores in Houston, I found one that still carried books. The woman said her husband usually carried odd books, and I couldn't believe they actually had it in stock. Fortunately, she wasn't familiar with it, so she had no idea how 'questionable' it was." I smiled.

"I don't know what to say." Jasper looked genuinely stunned. "No one other than my father has ever given me a book. I don't know how to thank you."

"You just did." I was practically beaming, I was so glad Jasper liked it. "I was hoping we could read through some of it together."

"That would be nice. Please, you start," Jasper said, handing me the slim book.

I pulled off my gloves in order to turn the thin pages. There weren't that many poems in this edition, and I decided not to start at the beginning but to choose one in the middle. As I read, Jasper lay back on the blanket with his arms crossed behind his head. At first, I was self-conscious as he watched me, but he soon closed his eyes and smiled as he listened.

"Your turn," I said when I finished reading a poem and handed him the book. I tried not to meet his bare hand, but it seemed as if Jasper almost purposefully brushed his fingers along mine as he took the book from me, igniting the same feeling in me as the first time we had touched.

I ducked my head as I blushed, and the corner of Jasper's mouth pulled up in a smirk as he also opened to the middle of the book.

"To think of time," he read as I studied his profile in the sunlight. "To think of time—of all that retrospection! To think of today, and the ages continued henceforward!"

I sat up a little straighter as I listened to his rich voice give shape to the words. It was odd to hear these words and think of my own experience with the concept of time.

"Have you guessed you yourself would not continue?" Jasper read. "Have you dreaded those earth-beetles? Have you feared the future would be nothing to you? Is today nothing? Is the beginningless past nothing? If the future is nothing they are just as surely nothing."

I was shocked; it was as if the poem was speaking directly to me.

"To think that the sun rose in the east! That men and women were flexible, real, alive! That everything was alive! To think that you and I did not see, feel, think, nor bear our part! To think that we are now here, and bear our part!"

I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed, and Jasper stopped reading.

"Bella, is something wrong?" Jasper asked, setting down the book and looking at me with concern.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm listening, Jasper," I said, returning my full attention to him.

"Just in case, I think I'll move on to a different poem," he said, still regarding me carefully.

As he started to read, I instantly recognized Whitman's "Song of Myself." When he completed the poem, he returned the book to me, again grazing my hand with his. I quickly fumbled with the book, this time looking to the table of contents. I chose to read one with a title I recognized: "I Sing the Body Electric."

By the time I got to the third stanza, not only could I understand why Jasper had said people found Whitman's work objectionable, but I also knew my face must be flaming red.

I started to stammer over the words, my voice shaking, "But the expression of a well-made man appears not only in his face; it is in his limbs and joints also, it is curiously in the joints of his hips and wrists; it is in his walk, the carriage of his neck, the flex of his waist and knees—dress does not hide him."

In between reading the words, my eyes started to rove over Jasper's body, taking in each part as it was mentioned in the poem.

"The strong, sweet, supple quality he has strikes through the cotton and flannel."

I couldn't help but notice how well Jasper's clothing fit him, and I was suddenly curious to see him in his army uniform.

"To see him pass conveys as much as the best poem, perhaps more. You linger to see his back, and the back of his neck and shoulder-side."

Biting my lip, I started thinking of watching Jasper ride Grace ahead of me or seeing him cross a room.

I needed to get a hold of myself; this was exactly what I had wanted to avoid. I started to close the book, pressing one hand against my burning cheek.

"Don't stop," Jasper admonished, but thankfully, instead of making me continue, he took back the book and continued to read aloud.

"This is the female form. A divine nimbus exhales from it from head to foot. It attracts with fierce undeniable attraction! I am drawn by its breath as if I were no more than a helpless vapor—all falls aside but myself and it."

I wasn't sure what was worse—reading about the male form while thinking about Jasper, or hearing him read about the female body as I felt his equally approving glance. I tried not to think too hard about the words he was saying as he continued.

"Hair, bosom, hips, bend of legs, negligent falling hands, all diffused—mine too diffused. Ebb stung by the flow, and flow stung by the ebb—love-flesh swelling and deliciously aching."

If I couldn't control my thoughts, the least I could do was control my breathing. At the end of every line, Jasper looked up, and it seemed as if his eyes were burning into mine, they were so intense.

"Limitless limpid jets of love hot and enormous, quivering jelly of love, white-blow and delirious juice."

I thought I would faint—from embarrassment or the heat I felt between us, I wasn't sure. I licked my lips.

"Bridegroom night of love, working surely and softly into the prostrate dawn. Undulating into the willing and yielding day, lost in the cleave of the clasping and sweet-flesh'd day."

I found myself leaning toward him, and I subconsciously moved forward on the blanket. Suddenly, Jasper stopped reading, taking in a short breath and placing the book in his lap.

"I think that's enough for today." He broke my gaze and looked off to the distance. I could make out just the hint of a flush to Jasper's face, and his breathing was more rapid than usual.

"Reading this together has certainly been . . . interesting," he finally said, adjusting his position on the blanket.

If I was becoming slightly hot and bothered by the poetry, after everything that I had read and seen in the twenty-first century, I couldn't imagine the effect it must have had on Jasper. Unfortunately, my mind started to wander, and I needed to scold myself, making my face grow even hotter.

"Yes, it was," I squeaked.

Jasper laughed slightly, breaking some of the tension. The mood had certainly varied dramatically over the course of the day.

"Was it as you remembered?" he asked.

"Umm . . . no, not at all!" I exclaimed. "My mind had clearly done some editing to the text, or perhaps I wasn't paying attention when I first read it. I'm not sure what my excuse is, but I don't remember Walt Whitman quite like that."

If _Leaves of Grass _had been like that in high school, I was sure I would have remembered.

"Perhaps, you just weren't in the right company," he countered, his face serious and searching mine.

I could no longer ignore that I felt a pull to him—an attraction so intense I found it frightening—but I knew these feelings of mine were wrong. It would be a disservice to us both to follow through on them. Jasper was going to leave soon to return to his post, and outside of my own issues, I wouldn't want to provide a distraction from his duties.

"It's getting late; we should head back," I said, ignoring Jasper's last comment as he helped me to my feet.

"Tomorrow is my last day at home. My mother was hoping you would come to a farewell dinner of sorts," he mentioned as I mounted Sidda.

"Of course, Jasper. I wouldn't miss it."

I only had to keep up the façade of not caring for Jasper for one more day. I hoped that it wouldn't be too difficult.

* * *

**Author note:**** What did you think of Whitman?**

**Thank you so much to my fabulous reviewers. I always love hearing your thoughts, and I reply to each one with a teaser for the next chapter.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Author Note: I'm apparently soft-hearted toward update pleas. As the update last week was on Monday, I decided to be kind and not make you wait the extra day until Wednesday. **

**It's been a while since I've paid homage to my wonderful betas Jointgifts and McGee42 and my newly found muse, JaspersDestiny. **

* * *

_Previously:_

_I could no longer ignore that I felt a pull to him—an attraction so intense I found it frightening—but I knew these feelings of mine were wrong. It would be a disservice to us both to follow through on them. Jasper was going to leave soon to return to his post, and outside of my own issues, I wouldn't want to provide a distraction from his duties._

"_It's getting late; we should head back," I said, ignoring Jasper's last comment as he helped me to my feet._

"_Tomorrow is my last day at home. My mother was hoping you would come to a farewell dinner of sorts," he mentioned as I mounted Sidda._

"_Of course, Jasper. I wouldn't miss it."_

_I only had to keep up the façade of not caring for Jasper for one more day. I hoped that it wouldn't be too difficult._

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 13:**

The ride home after reading _Leaves of Grass _together was not as awkward as the ride out to the north pasture, but we were notably quieter than we were the first time we went riding together. To break the spell, I urged Sidda to go faster and, for the first time, outpaced Jasper. That was all the incentive Jasper needed to bring Grace up to the same canter. I wasn't skilled enough to go at a full gallop, but the speed was still invigorating.

We reached the barn just as Millie was hitching up the wagon to go home, and I left with her, eager to plan what we could contribute to Jasper's farewell celebration.

I decided to make my Grandma Marie's pork meatballs. Fortunately, Millie had all of the ingredients and some tomatoes she had put up at the end of the summer, though she did raise an eyebrow at the concept. It was not lost on me that Italian food had yet to make its debut in America, but I wanted to make something special for Jasper. I hoped he wouldn't find the meatballs too odd.

The next day, as we rode to the Whitlock farm, my feelings were at war. I was sad that Jasper was returning to the front and that we could no longer continue to get to know each other, and I was, of course, worried about his safety. At the same time, I couldn't help but be happy I'd had the opportunity to know him at all, no matter how brief our time together.

I wondered what his return to camp would signify for me. Would I return to 2006 once Jasper was gone? Had I learned whatever lesson this trip through time was supposed to teach me? While I wasn't positive how my situation in 1862 was supposed to solve my predicament with Edward, I had come to a conclusion.

After a greater taste of independence in Texas—being away from my parents and learning to trust myself—I knew I could never return to letting Edward make all of the decisions. I wasn't sure what that would mean for our relationship, but I didn't think Edward would be capable of change. I still loved him, and I always would, but my eyes were open now to the truth of our relationship. He would always love me, but the Bella he fell in love with was gone, and she would never again make a reappearance.

I hadn't realized, even after he had left, the negative effects he had on my self-esteem and self-worth. When Edward had said he wasn't good for me, he was right; it just had nothing to do with the fact that he was a vampire.

As we pulled up to the house, Emily waved to us from the porch while she finished tying some fabric to the railings as makeshift streamers. Thad took care of putting away the wagon, and we went inside to greet Jasper and Rebecca.

Rebecca had outdone herself preparing a feast in Jasper's honor. I wasn't even sure where to place my meatballs on the table because of all of the food. I checked the number of chairs set out just to verify it would only be the six of us for dinner.

Jasper came down the stairs just as we were all sitting down at the table and gave me a wide smile, reassuring me that there was no lingering awkwardness between us.

His smile was in sharp contrast to the pained look on Rebecca's face as she sat next to Thad at one end of the table, leaving the other end open for Jasper.

"Mama," Emily implored.

"I know. I said I wouldn't cry," she answered, dabbing her eyes,"but I never imagined needing to say goodbye to my boy twice."

"I'm sorry it's like this," Jasper responded, taking his seat.

"No, no; don't be." Rebecca attempted a weak smile. "I'm so glad you got the chance to come home for a short while. I just always thought that once you came through the door, you would be here to stay."

"Next time, I will be," Jasper said.

Thad said grace, and I barely heard the words as he prayed for Jasper's safe and victorious return home. On the way to their house, I had been consumed with how _I _felt about Jasper leaving again for the war; I hadn't given any thought to how his family must feel. Looking around the table, it was clear that everyone was trying to put on a brave and happy face for his send-off, even Jasper, but the pain of his leaving was evident.

The meal was as delicious as it looked, and while the conversation remained superficial, everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves as much as the circumstance allowed.

"Bella, I must ask, how is it you found such an interesting way of preparing meat?" Thad asked.

I was a little worried that meant he didn't like my dish, but Millie quickly added, "That means he likes them; unless Thad wants to eat something again, he never inquires."

"Meatballs were something I learned how to cook from my grandmother. She's the only other member of my family who could cook, and before she died, I have very fond memories of her teaching me the proper way to roll them," I answered.

"They were a lovely dish to make for Jasper," his mother said.

"Yes," Millie commented. "They are a very fitting dish, especially in the tomato sauce. You know, when we were kids, our mother used to call tomatoes 'love apples.'"

Everyone at the table, Jasper included, mirrored Millie's sly smile. I couldn't stop a blush from forming in response.

Jasper cleared his throat and asked about everyone's plans over the next few weeks, now that the harvest was officially over. Pleasant chatter filled the rest of the meal, and as Rebecca and Millie started to clear the table, they urged the rest of us to relax. Thad said he had some business in the barn, and Emily went to finish making something for Jasper in her room, leaving us alone in the living room.

Jasper walked up to the piano and sat down, opening up the cover.

"I'm sorry to tell you, but I think I've hung up my dancing shoes," I jested as I walked up next to him.

"It was nice to know you saved the last dance for me," he quietly replied, flashing his dimples. "Please, sit down. I would like to play you a song."

"I didn't realize you played; I'm impressed," I said as I joined him on the bench.

"Yes, Aunt Millie taught me. When Emily and I were younger, she was always trying to repay our parents for their kindness, and one of the ways she did that was by giving us both piano lessons. For years, I thought it was a waste of time, but hearing that you're impressed makes all of those scales a little more tolerable."

"How old were you when you stopped taking lessons?"

Jasper looked down at the keys in embarrassment. "It was up until I left for the army. This was the last song I learned: 'Aura Lea.'"

Jasper started to play a ballad from memory, glancing between the keys and me. After the introduction, the song became hauntingly familiar. At first, I couldn't place where I had heard the song before. I wasn't aware that I knew any songs that were popular during this era, and the name "Aura Lea" didn't ring any bells.

I found myself humming along with the song, trying to jog my memory. It reminded me of summers spent driving around with Charlie, listening to old tapes in the cruiser. Then it came to me; I wasn't thinking of a song from Jasper's time but one that had clearly borrowed the tune.

Surprising even myself, I began to quietly sing, "Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go. You have made my life complete, and I love you so. Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfilled. For my darlin' I love you, and I always will."

Jasper didn't react to my singing, for which I was glad, and kept playing quietly. Both Charlie and Renée were Elvis fans—one of the few things they had in common—and between the two of them, I had most of his songs memorized.

"Love me tender, love me long, take me to your heart. For it's there that I belong, and we'll never part. Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfilled. For my darlin' I love you, and I always will."

Jasper slowly ended the song before my last verse, keeping his eyes down and his hands on the keys. As the lamp light flickered on his face, I tried to discover what he was thinking, but his expression gave away nothing.

"I'm sorry. I know I'm not much of a singer, and suddenly breaking into song isn't really like me," I admitted.

"It was wonderful," Jasper said, turning to look at me and grasping my hands.

I knew I was supposed to avoid leading Jasper in the wrong direction, but his hands felt so nice wrapped around mine that I couldn't force myself to pull away. Just for a moment, I closed my eyes and simply enjoyed the sensation of his warm touch. Our situation was so complicated, but if I really was a girl from Little Rock in 1862, so many things could be different.

"I knew there were some different versions of the song, but I've never heard lyrics like that before," he said, rubbing his thumbs along the side of my hands, breaking me from my spell.

"Um, it was how my dad sang it around the house; he probably made it up," I said, realizing again that I had done something foolish, potentially revealing too much.

No matter how Jasper's touch made me feel, I had let the moment go on too long. Before hurting Jasper again, I had to do one more selfish thing. I reached up and brushed Jasper's golden hair behind his ear. It was softer than I would have expected, and no matter the regret we both might feel in the morning, the look of contentment on Jasper's face in that instant made it worth it.

"Jasper," I whispered sadly, scooting back slightly on the bench.

"Please, come outside with me to the porch," Jasper hastily said, standing up and walking to the door, leaving me no choice but to follow.

When I came through the door, Jasper was leaning against the railing, staring out beyond the road.

"Jasper," I started, but he didn't turn around.

"I clearly don't know how to read you, Bella." I could hear the hurt and slight anger in his voice. "There are times when I think you feel the same way I do, then suddenly, it's like I imagined everything."

"I—"

"I don't have much. I know that. While I may be a major in the army, I'm still just the son of a farmer."

"Jasper, please, that isn't—"

He cut me off again. "I'm going to lead the same life as my parents, and until now, I never saw anything wrong with that. However, I can see how, to someone else, it might seem like a small life."

He finally turned around, and it broke my heart to look at his face. It broke my heart even more to realize it was the same face I had worn after Edward left.

Seeing that he had my attention, Jasper strode toward me and grasped my upper arms in his hands, standing so close to me that I had to look up at him.

"Maybe, just maybe—together—it could be a good life, though."

I stopped breathing, and Jasper must have taken my silence as permission, because he lowered his mouth to mine. I felt my whole body respond, and I had to fight the urge to grab onto him and pull him even closer to me.

Instead, it took every fiber of my being to step away from him.

"I . . . I can't." I was so close to crying, but that would make things worse. "It isn't you; you have to believe that."

Jasper returned to the porch railing. Even in the dim lighting, I could tell that his knuckles were nearly white from the pressure he was exerting.

"I'm so sorry. I know I must read hot and then cold to you. You aren't imagining things, though." I wasn't sure how much of myself I should reveal.

"Things are complicated for me right now." I decided to tell Jasper the truth, or as close to the truth as I could without sounding crazy. "There is . . . sort of . . . someone at home for me. I no longer feel the same as I once did, but he doesn't know that yet."

Jasper turned around so fast that it reminded me of vampire speed. "Tell him. Tell him, and then the house in the north pasture doesn't have to be _my_ house; when I return from war, it can be _our_ house."

If only things were so simple. I wish I could just mail a letter to Edward to explain my feelings. Even if I could do that, Jasper and I couldn't have a future together. We were from different times, different worlds. What if I woke up tomorrow back in Forks? What would happen to Jasper then? We couldn't have a life together if suddenly one day I was going to disappear. I couldn't do that to him.

"I'll write to you," I said softly, turning around to face the barn.

Jasper's sharp inhalation of breath was the only indication that he heard me. I couldn't bear to turn back around and face him.

"Stay safe, and I hope you'll write me back. Please, thank your family for a lovely evening and tell Millie I'll be waiting by the barn," I said as I ran down the porch steps, trying desperately to get away from Jasper before the tears came.

I wasn't positive, but I thought I heard him call out, "I won't give up."

* * *

**Author Note: Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. I love hearing your thoughts, and I always reply with a teaser for the next chapter.**

**Thank you for all of the great fic recs. I need to take a second to pimp McGee42. After reading her fic "The Trick is to Keep Breathing," I definitely squealed when she agreed to be my beta. I also loved her Charlie fic "A Man of Few Words." Both works are so touching and different from most of the other fics out there. **

**While I love my Jasper sweet, I do get a thrill from dark Jasper. I'm currently being owned by "Conversations with my Killer" by Oracle_Vas and anything by HammerHips. **


	14. Chapter 14

**Author Note: As always, I own nothing, and a huge thank you goes to McGee42, Jointgifts, and JaspersDestiny.**

* * *

_Previously:_

"_I'll write to you," I said softly, turning around to face the barn. _

_Jasper's sharp inhalation of breath was the only indication that he heard me. I couldn't bear to turn back around and face him._

"_Stay safe, and I hope you'll write me back. Please, thank your family for a lovely evening and tell Millie I'll be waiting by the barn," I said as I ran down the porch steps, trying desperately to get away from Jasper before the tears came._

_I wasn't positive, but I thought I heard him call out, "I won't give up."_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 14**

The ride home with Millie was thankfully silent; she knew not to ask me any questions, and I didn't offer an explanation for my tear-streaked face. When we returned to the house, I went straight to my room and closed the door. Lying on the bed, I wasn't sure if Jasper leaving would signify the end of my time in 1862 or not. What more could I have to do in this time? I had already sent Jasper back to war dejected.

For the better part of a week, I went through all of my household duties in a numb and detached way. It was as if I was just waiting to disappear from this time at any given moment. Nothing seemed to really matter anymore. Unless we were cooking in the kitchen together, conversations with Millie with short and impersonal. Even when we did speak, Millie had to constantly repeat herself to break through the fog of my melancholy. There were times she had to remind me of what I was doing mid-task. One day, I stood poised with an egg held over a bowl for several minutes before Millie interrupted my mental debate by saying, "I believe you were going to crack that." While I felt sorry for not interacting with her more, I didn't want to burden her with my dilemma.

It was obvious to her that I felt miserable. I couldn't eat or do much other than lie in my room. I knew I had feelings for Jasper, but I wasn't sure what those feelings were. There was definitely an attraction between us. I was hoping that it might go away, especially with the distance placed between us by the war.

I couldn't be positive how much of my sadness was from my fear of losing Jasper forever or from the fact that I had essentially done to him what Edward had done to me. I had acted _just_ like Edward; I had denied Jasper because of my concern about being from a different "world." Of course, that wasn't the only reason I was holding Jasper at arm's length. Even though we were from dissimilar eras, my primary concern—even more than the status of my feelings for Edward—had been the idea of Jasper and Alice together.

It seemed like so long ago when I'd had the conversation with Alice about her not being Jasper's mate. She'd told me I needed to open my heart. Did she know that this would happen—whatever it was that was happening to me? Was she somehow giving me permission, her blessing to pursue Jasper? I was starting to hope that she was. How much would I need to open my heart to him? How much _could _I? More importantly, how far could I expect his heart to open to me?

While Edward could have discussed his concerns with me instead of simply disappearing, I couldn't discuss my fears with Jasper. I had to squash whatever voice in the back of my head was whispering that if _I_ could accept the reality of vampires and werewolves, maybe Jasper could accept the possibility of time travel.

No.

After a few days of my sullen behavior, Millie tossed an empty envelope on the kitchen table.

"What's this?" I asked as I read the front of it.

"An envelope," Millie answered innocently, clearly wanting to drag things out.

"I can see that," I replied. I couldn't help but be a little sharp when I spoke to her.

Millie just smiled and said, "It happens to be an envelope already marked with where you need to post a letter to Jasper. Now, I suggest you stop sulking around my kitchen and go write to him."

"Thank you," I said as I rushed to stand up from the table, giving her my first smile since Jasper had left home.

"The faster you admit your feelings for the boy, the better off we'll all be," Millie added under her breath.

I let that comment slide as I made my way up to my room. In my haste, I ran right into the banister, much to Millie's amusement, but her chuckling only fueled my rush upstairs. I wasn't sure what I would say to Jasper, but I had promised to write. The only way I could gauge how Jasper was feeling was to see if he would write me back.

I decided that it didn't matter what I wrote to Jasper; he had said that life in the camps was terribly dull, and any news from home was appreciated. I sat down and started to tell him about the cooking lessons from Millie I had started taking before he left. I was eagerly learning all that she had to teach me. Other than the few dishes my Grandma Marie had taught me how to make, everything I had learned had been out of necessity; I had never lived with anyone who enjoyed cooking as much I did. It was a real pleasure to share time in the kitchen with someone who knew what she was doing. She had shown me how to make Cheshire pork pie, something she said Jasper would eat by the plateful as a little boy. I had also mastered dishes I would have never imagined, like stewed cucumbers, hominy croquettes, and apple black-cap, a truly delicious desert that made the whole house smell like Christmas. In telling him about my time cooking with Millie, I couldn't help but relay some of the more entertaining tales of Renée's lack of culinary skills, like the time she accidentally served a mostly raw turkey for Christmas, or her one-time obsession with beet juice.

I realized that when we were together, I had never spoken much about Charlie and Renée; I had been so afraid that I would mention something about the future or specific to Arizona or Washington. In writing a letter, I had time to think about what I was saying, and I had the freedom to tell him more about my family. Even though human Jasper would never have the chance to meet my parents, I did want him to know about them. He and Charlie actually had a lot in common. They were both incredibly observant, were primarily soft spoken but tended to speak profoundly, and it was obvious they both felt most comfortable when they were spending time outdoors. I tried not to think about how much I missed my parents while I was writing, but I figured it would be normal to mention such a thing to Jasper, considering how far away from my parents I was supposed to be.

It hadn't been long since Jasper left, but it seemed like a lot had actually occurred in Houston in that time. The draft age had recently been raised from thirty-five to forty-five. Due to Thad's last birthday, he had just escaped conscription; both Rebecca and Millie had cried in relief. Unlike Jasper, many of the men who were required to fight weren't staying in Texas but were being sent further east. That decision was met with outrage, and many people were speaking out about how it went against the reasons the Confederacy was even founded. I had to ask Millie to explain, and she said it was because each of the states should be able to choose how to govern themselves without the federal government dictating what they should and shouldn't do. Some of these dissenters opposed to the mandatory service found their houses and barns burned because of their vocal opinions and perceived lack of Confederate patriotism. Millie had said that from then on, any negative thoughts about the war should only be shared at home.

Jasper had mentioned how crowded the camps were and how few their resources, and I worried that, even with a small number of new soldiers headed to Galveston, his life might become more uncomfortable. I joked that perhaps with the influx of new soldiers, they would run out of space, and Jasper would have to come home again.

As I sealed my letter, I hoped that he would write back. Millie said that the mail service wasn't very reliable, and that with the military traffic and private mail carriers, it generally took a week for a letter to arrive, even from a city as close as Galveston. I was actually pleasantly surprised that it would only take that long. She said that prior to the start of the war, the mail was sometimes delivered more than once a day to the homes in town, and she was a little shocked the same wasn't true for Little Rock. That last comment caused me to put a stop to my curiosity.

As the days passed, I grew anxious, but my nerves were thankfully quieted after only five days.

I was alone in the kitchen, peeling potatoes for dinner, when Millie pushed through the door.

"I can't believe how warm it is outside today for this time of year. It's downright unseasonable. I was just on the porch, and I couldn't believe it."

It had been nice outside, but it didn't seem to be as shocking as Millie was making it sound.

"I had to go outside to the gate, and it was just so pleasant."

I finally stopped my task and looked up at Millie to see that she had her hands clasped behind her back and a smirk on her face. When she saw she had my attention, she glanced around the room with forced nonchalance. She obviously had just wanted me to quit what I was doing.

"It seems something arrived for you in the mail today," she said casually.

My heart instantly leapt in my chest, and not wanting to risk soiling a letter from Jasper, I tore off my apron and couldn't wipe off my hands fast enough. When she handed me the envelope, I practically ran up the stairs to read it while alone.

_Dearest Bella, _

_I cannot tell you how happy it made me to receive your letter; it was much enjoyed. In honesty, even those around me who were not privy to your words found it entertaining, as I laughed so heartily aloud as I read the accounts of your mother in the kitchen._

_Since I have returned to camp, I have taken my pen in hand many times to write to you, but I was not sure if my letter would be welcome. I am thoroughly glad to find that it would have been. I was almost afraid to hope that you would keep your promise to write, and for that doubt, I apologize._

_I also must apologize if my behavior before leaving was too forward. I meant every word that I said to you (and so many more that I did not speak), but it was not my intention to ever pressure you or force you to do something against your will. I respect that you have your reasons for your decisions. Despite what you have said to me, I have seen the way you look at me. I suspect there is a discord between your head and your heart. I must admit that it is my fervent wish that your heart will win this battle._

_As for what or who awaits you in Arkansas: may the post between Houston and Little Rock be as quick as that between Houston and Galveston! _

_After reading your account, it troubles me to think of the dangers facing dissenters. Bella, you must promise that no matter your feelings on the war, you will do as Millie says and keep such thoughts private—even those said in jest. I am sure that you would, but I do not know what I would do should something befall you or Millie. Should you ever find yourself scared or worried for your safety, you must immediately go to my father's house. War makes people do strange things, even far from the front, so always keep your wits about you. _

_Outside of detailing the tediousness of daily life in the camp, I am not at liberty to express my current orders. However, I can say that while we are outside of Galveston now, we plan to be within the city limits by the beginning of 1863. As we are now at the end of October, this leaves us precious time for preparations._

_My days consist of leading my men in countless drills; the monotony is certainly easier to bear for those men who were recently on furlough. I must admit that when I am not focused on the speed and accuracy of our troops, I find myself drawn to thoughts of your chestnut hair and lovely brown eyes. _

_Of course, I would love to be at home enjoying the dishes you are making with Millie, but more so, I would love the honor of hearing your laugh once more. It pains my heart to think that the last glimpse I had of your face was one of sadness. Every evening, I have been using what small amount of lamp light I have to reread _Leaves of Grass_, remembering our happy times together._

_Do know that as the weather grows colder, my heart is continually warmed by thoughts of you—and even if you cannot see it yet—thoughts of the future we could have together. Though we may be apart, my heart is ever with yours. _

_The time for sleep has come, and I go so happily, dreaming of another letter from you, dear Bella._

_Yours devotedly,_

_Jasper_

When I finished Jasper's letter for the second time, I set it down on my bed. I hadn't received very many letters before, and I was taken by the formal beauty of this one. I was amazed that even written correspondence with Jasper could set my heart pounding.

I certainly wouldn't make him wait for a response.

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** Author Note: Thank you so much for all of the wonderful reviews. I appreciate every one and always reply with a teaser for the next chapter.**

**For additional teasers and answers to your questions, check out the "Leaves of Grass" thread on the Twilighted forums. The link is in my profile. **


	15. Chapter 15

_Previously:_

. . . Do know that as the weather grows colder, my heart is continually warmed by thoughts of you—and even if you cannot see it yet—thoughts of the future we could have together. Though we may be apart, my heart is ever with yours.

The time for sleep has come, and I go so happily, dreaming of another letter from you, dear Bella.

Yours devotedly,

Jasper

_When I finished Jasper's letter for the second time, I set it down on my bed. I hadn't received very many letters before, and I was taken by the formal beauty of this one. I was amazed that even written correspondence with Jasper could set my heart to pounding. _

_I certainly wouldn't make him wait for a response. _

_

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_

**Chapter 15**

With the immediacy of talking on the phone, texting, and sending e-mails, I was unaccustomed to waiting for communication. The days between Jasper's letters were filled with both delicious and nerve-wracking anticipation. Every day, I tried to wait patiently to see if the mail carrier would come to the house. On days when there was a response from Galveston, I would tortuously make myself wait until I got up to my room before opening the envelope. Millie, of course, found great humor in my pacing before the mail arrived followed by my hasty and graceless retreat up the stairs.

I shared with her news from the camp, and often Jasper would include a message to his aunt in the postscript or her own small note in the same envelope. We had been told that Union troops merely had to label their letters "soldier mail" in order to post them for free, but the Confederate men didn't have the same luxury, and Jasper's postage costs came out of his monthly pay. Therefore, there was a definite desire to condense his correspondence.

During the time that I was waiting for Jasper's letters, in addition to my share of chores around the house and the piano lessons Millie taught me in the parlor, I would reread all of his letters in order. In the six weeks we had been writing to each other, I had been fortunate enough to have five letters from him.

Each letter was longer, more thoughtful, and more personal than the last. I knew that Jasper's days were filled with training exercises and drills, and I worried that he was giving up his sleep time in order to write to me. At least in his last letter, he indicated that since the start of December, their morning call was at six instead of five in the morning. I was grateful that the lack of daylight meant that he would be getting an extra hour of sleep.

Both Whitlock houses were steadily preparing for the holidays. Everyone seemed to be praying for a Christmas ceasefire across the country. Even if that happened, there wasn't hope of Jasper being granted another furlough; we were informed that only the officered fathers of young children would be considered for such a break. Though we wouldn't have _our_ officer at home, I was glad that a few children would be reunited with their fathers. It seemed to me that Houston could use some more good cheer. The week before, I had overheard some kids downtown discussing that Santa Claus wouldn't be able to make it to Texas, because his reindeer couldn't bypass the blockades.

While the coming holiday seemed less like a celebration without the prospect of Jasper's appearance, I was looking forward to spending the day with his family. Millie had already started what little Christmas baking she had the means to do. It wasn't easy to get packages to the soldiers, but she was hoping we could manage to get a few cookies to Jasper. With the lack of sugar and white flour, she had to get creative with her recipes.

As Millie was rolling out a batch of cornmeal cookies and intermittently humming carols, I was reading her short passages of Jasper's most recent letter:

_As of right now, there are limited Yankee troops ashore in Galveston, but their small fleet of ships in the harbor keeps a close eye on land activity. From our unit, a small number of us have been able to make reconnaissance trips in plain clothes without sounding an alarm. I know hearing such a thing will cause you to worry, but I assure you it has not been that dangerous._

_The entire island is a ghost town, so we have needed to keep our exposure on the streets to a minimum. On occasion, we have seen residents leaving their homes to fetch water. I cannot imagine why anyone would have stayed after the evacuation declaration in May, especially with so few supplies and no gas left in the city. I suppose many of those who did stay could not understand the orders that were posted. Foolishly, the notices were all printed in English, and a good portion of the city had been immigrants._

"We'll have to take him at his word that it isn't that dangerous, but Lord, does it make me nervous to think of Jasper creeping around in Union-occupied territory," Millie exclaimed as I finished reading.

I nodded in agreement. The more we wrote to each other, the more Jasper felt at liberty to tell me about the war. As a major, his letters were not censored, and he apparently didn't fear them falling into enemy hands, saying that the Yankee soldiers had yet to come further inland than the limits of Galveston.

I rarely had exciting news to share with him, but he had assured me that he treasured each one of my letters. In the past few weeks, our section of Houston had briefly started to look abandoned as well. More and more men were leaving for the war, even those who had expected to stay at home. Many churches and schools were closing because of a lack of teachers and ministers, as they too were conscripted. The same vacancy extended to most shops, at least those whose owners didn't have wives or sisters to run them.

The silence on the streets didn't last very long as refugees from Louisiana had started to pour into town, making what meager resources Houston had need to stretch even further. I certainly couldn't complain, as I was _supposed_ to be a refugee from Arkansas.

Despite Jasper's assurances, there had been recent rumors that the Yankees would start to head inland from the ports, so Millie and I spent some time burying her scant valuables in the garden, just in case. While not the fault of invading soldiers, some of the area livestock had been stolen by locals who were either close to going hungry themselves or looking to make some fast cash. It was even mentioned that the thieves could possibly be Confederate deserters avoiding detection while camped out in the woods.

Prior to the thefts, the blockades had simply been an annoyance. It was inconvenient to live without things like proper coffee, sugar, flour, new fabric, books, and other goods, but it wasn't impossible. After the thefts started and suspicions between neighbors began to rise, I could see how things would grow harder throughout the winter. A farm near the Whitlocks' had just lost their only dairy cow, and if it weren't for their goat, things would certainly look grim for them.

Leaving Millie to her work in the kitchen, I retired to my room to reread Jasper's letters in private before composing my reply. I couldn't help but smile at all of the things I wanted to share with him. Having never been much of a letter writer before, I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. In the beginning of our correspondence, things hadn't been as simple. It was an adjustment just getting used to writing with real ink, and I went through quite a few sheets of paper on my first several drafts thanks to giant ink blotches that would suddenly bleed onto my stationery.

In those early weeks, I wasn't sure about what to write him but had since begun to feel that we were able to say so much more than we would have been able to in person. I was surprised at how our relationship was able to develop just through the written word. Writing to Jasper was starting to feel like writing in a diary; it came as naturally as writing for myself. I just wished I could write as beautifully as he did for me. Every line he penned seemed to be perfectly crafted, even those that were about ordinary topics.

While Jasper tried to hide some of the unpleasantness of camp life from me, I could tell that things were bleak there as well. One of his latest letters had mentioned an unfortunate rise in recent deserters. This had greatly affected the camp morale, and it was already difficult to keep the men in line because of the general tedium.

He had written:

_The boredom of the army far outweighs any slight hunger we may have. However, I must admit, for me, I hunger more for your letters and the sight of your face than for any food. Our days sometimes seem to drag endlessly, and I am grateful to have my dreams of you for slight comfort. _

_I swear that I have run the vision of taking your bare hand for the first time through my mind so many times, I cannot be sure whether it actually happened. I know it must have_ _because my imagination is not so great as to have made up such a wonderful and powerful sensation as the spark I felt between us. When I return home, I shall never let go of your hand should you let me hold it once more. The only time it should ever part from mine would be if it were to meet with my lips. However, should I truly begin to think of your rosy lips, I fear I will grow far too distracted to finish my letter._

As I reread his words, I had to set the letter down on my bed and press a cool hand to my flushed face. I couldn't believe how Jasper's letters affected me, and I clearly affected him as well. Whenever Edward complimented me, I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed. Edward might have meant what he said, but I had the inability to interpret his comments as more than simple niceties. Jasper's flattering words made me feel a strange confidence, though. I was able to believe everything he said, and when he told me I was beautiful, I felt beautiful. Knowing he saw me that way didn't make me want to turn and hide behind my hair as I might have once done. I realized that I wanted Jasper to think those things about me. I liked how Jasper saw me, and I liked how he made me see myself.

It took me a few minutes to stop grinning like an idiot at the thought of Jasper imagining my lips and at my thoughts about what I could do with them. Once I had finally composed myself, I was able to continue reading.

_However, many men in the camp do not have the luxury of envisioning such a lovely face as yours, and vice is rampant. The fighting between the men and the drunkenness that pervades the camp affect us more greatly than the threat of the Yankees. _

_While I hate to think of my job as major being spent controlling such depravities and trying to find the men more appropriate recreational outlets, I was glad to discover I could distract many of them by encouraging a game of baseball._

I hadn't thought of vampire Jasper in a quite some time, but rereading Jasper's mention of baseball reminded me of the ill-fated game in the clearing. Prior to the nomads arriving, I had been amazed by the strength and speed of all of the Cullens. I remember particularly being impressed with Jasper on the field. I had never seen him so at ease as he was then. Thinking of his agility and skill in the game, I imagined he would have much of that same grace as a human. I wasn't sure what he would be wearing to play baseball at the camp, but I could help but fantasize about my human Jasper in a modern baseball uniform.

Sometime over the past few weeks, I had begun to feel not only a little possessive over Jasper's letters, but I had started to think of 1862 Jasper as "my Jasper." I always omitted any lines of affection when I shared passages with Millie, though I read these lines so many times, I had them all memorized. In turn, my own letters had started to grow more affectionate. At first, I tried to tell myself it was only because I was mirroring his style or was growing more adept at the art of letter writing, but I knew that it was actually my feelings for Jasper which were growing.

Jasper had never tried to change me or my behavior while he was home. He accepted me just as I was, even though I was so different from the girls of his time. I had changed, though, because of him. Jasper brought out the best in me. He encouraged me to live up to a potential I didn't even know I had. I never would have imagined being able to climb up on a horse and then ride independently. By the time Jasper had left for camp, I could do both of those things, as well as successfully dress Sidda for riding all by myself. At this point, I would have said that riding her was one of the most enjoyable things I had ever done. I never would have discovered that passion without Jasper.

Prior to knowing "my" Jasper, I had loved literature and reading, as my dog-eared book collection could attest. However, there was a staggering difference between reading romantic words in a book and reading those written just for me in Jasper's eloquent letters. His affection made me realize that I could be the heroine of my own love story.

I also realized that I didn't need to sensor parts of my personality in a relationship. In learning how to be comfortable being myself around someone else, I really started to like—not who he _made_ me, not who he _allowed_ me to be, but—who I was.

When I literally ran into Jasper my first week in 1862, I had been incredibly startled. That evening—no matter his human differences—his familiarity had seemed to be an anchor for me in an ocean of oddities. When we went out to the north pasture together for the first time, he was definitely a curiosity, but I was glad when a friendship developed between us. Then, as our relationship began to introduce a host of "what-ifs," I was seriously hesitant to reconcile what I was starting to feel for him with what I thought were the realities of 2006. Thankfully, remembering what Alice had said to me allowed me to take Jasper on as a confidante after he had returned to the army. Our level of honesty, and the candor my letters gave me, soon made me realize that I was sharing parts of myself with Jasper that I had never revealed to anyone else. Jasper wasn't just a friend; he had become my best friend.

Alice had said that I would need to open my heart, and she was right.

I had once thought that I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love. Those feelings had suddenly crashed into me and eventually led _me_ to crash. With Jasper, I knew that love wasn't a wave that overpowered you; it built slowly, and it blossomed. I wasn't truly surprised at my feelings for Jasper, but I was surprised it had taken me so long to admit to them.

I was in love with Jasper Whitlock, and he'd known it all along.

* * *

**Author's Note: Bella has finally made a declaration, and now I can stop hiding from all of you. Please, let me know what you thought. I reply to all reviews with a teaser for the next chapter.**

**You can also get additional teasers and answers to (some of) your questions on the "Leaves of Grass" forum thread. Follow the link in my profile, where you can also find some human Jasper song recs. **


	16. Chapter 16

**Author Note: This chapter was posted on Twilighted earlier than expected, so I decided to post this on the same day. Until next Wednesday, happy reading.**

* * *

_Previously:_

_I had once thought that I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love. Those feelings had suddenly crashed into me and eventually led me to crash. With Jasper, I knew that love wasn't a wave that overpowered you; it built slowly, and it blossomed. I wasn't truly surprised at my feelings for Jasper, but I was surprised it had taken me so long to admit to them. _

_I was in love with Jasper Whitlock, and he'd known it all along._

* * *

**Chapter 16:**

It had been three weeks since Jasper's letters had stopped arriving. For the first week, I waited at the window for the mail carrier. The second week, Millie told me I would need to replace her rugs if I didn't stop pacing. The third week, I was desperate. I urgently needed to find out if Rebecca and Thad had heard from Jasper, and I promised myself I would ask the next time I saw them. I just felt consumed by worry

Despite my obsessing over Jasper, the ride to the farm on Christmas was pleasant with only a slight chill in the air. That morning, Millie had tried to cheer me up by attaching tree branches to her horse's bridle so they looked like reindeer antlers. I definitely appreciated her humor, and I realized my sullenness might have been putting a damper on the holiday season.

When we entered the farmhouse, it smelled deliciously like Christmas: cloves, apples, cinnamon, and pine. The greenery on the table and small Christmas tree reminded me that, at least for the day, I needed to be in a good mood. The tabletop tree, though simply decorated with dried apple rings and strings of popcorn, was beautiful. I couldn't help but smile as I fingered its branches.

"Did you have a Christmas tree growing up, Bella?" Rebecca asked, coming up behind me to put her hand on my shoulder.

"Of course," I answered, turning to hug her in greeting. "Merry Christmas, Rebecca."

"Merry Christmas, dear. They are such lovely things," she said, referencing the tree. "We'd never had one until about ten years ago, but I like their festive air."

It had never occurred to me that Christmas trees hadn't always been the holiday standard. I noticed there were no presents under the tree, and I wondered where they might be. I looked around before Rebecca directed me to the other side of the room.

"Thank you so much for letting me celebrate with your family today."

"None of that, now. You'll see we already think of you as a part of the family."

She indicated the fireplace mantle, and there hung red, hand-knit stockings, each with a name embroidered across the top. I gasped, seeing there was one bearing my name next to Jasper's stocking at the end of the mantle.

I had never thought of myself as being particularly sentimental, but I was so touched by her kindness. Ignoring the ache Jasper's vacant stocking inspired, I kissed Rebecca on the cheek as a way of thanks. Just as she winked at me in return, Emily came up to hug me enthusiastically.

"Merry Christmas, Bella," she sang, and she helped me to put my small gifts in each of the appropriate stockings. Her vibrancy reminded me of Alice, and I wondered if part of the reason vampire Jasper had been attracted to her was because she subconsciously reminded him of home.

"Now that you and Aunt Millie are here, we can start our caroling. It's always my favorite part of the day, and I've been practicing on the piano all week. Do you have a favorite Christmas song?"

I wasn't sure if the songs I knew were the same as the ones as in the nineteenth century, but Thad saved me by coming over.

"I've always been partial to 'It Came Upon a Midnight Clear.' Merry Christmas, Bella," he said, embracing me with one arm while smiling at his daughter. "Let's not tarry a moment more; Emily's been staring longingly at the piano all morning."

As I tried to remember the words to "O Come All Ye Faithful," I was truly grateful for the day with the Whitlocks. This was the first Christmas I could remember with an actual family. I always appreciated the holiday with each of my parents, but those Christmases could never compare to even this simple celebration. Charlie tried his hardest, but I only had a few fuzzy memories of the mornings spent just the two of us, followed by dinner at a nearly empty restaurant in Port Angeles. Christmas with Renée was usually in a hotel. She said she found the best vacation deals around the holidays. It wasn't that we didn't have a good time together, but it wasn't a traditional Christmas. Even though I was in a time and place so foreign to me, the day with the Whitlocks was the first time I could really feel the Christmas spirit.

After a delicious dinner, we gathered in front of the fire. With the minister away at war, the congregation had decided not to open the church, so we listened to Thad read the Christmas story from the family Bible.

I hoped, wherever Jasper was, he was able to have some bit of Christmas cheer. Millie had told me that the previous year, the men were able to put up a small tree decorated with hardtack. The idea certainly didn't sound very heartwarming. I imagined how homesick the holiday must have made all of the soldiers. It seemed unfair that Jasper couldn't come home for just one day. The camp outside of Galveston was so close to Houston, his absence seemed practically foolish; in 2006, I would have been able to get there in less than hour by car.

When Thad finished reading, Emily handed out each of our stockings, briefly pausing by Jasper's.

"I think we should allow Bella to go first this year," Thad suggested.

"You didn't have to . . . just spending the day with you is gift enough," I stammered.

"Each of us could say the same," Millie responded, smiling as she lifted her stocking in a small salute. I blushed as I reached into mine and pulled out a small roll of fabric tied with a ribbon.

As I unwound the fabric and revealed a hand-carved pen, Thad said, "Millie remarked that you had probably worn yours down to nothing but a nub by now writing to our boy."

Everyone chuckled, and blushing, I smiled at his kindness. The pen was smooth and wonderfully crafted; it was unlike any present I had ever received. Thad's thoughtful gift was joined by a written book of Millie's family recipes, my very own apron from Rebecca, and a small sampler from Emily, which read "Home sweet home."

"I know you must be homesick, and Millie mentioned your parents must not have been able to write. I know Houston isn't your real home, but I hope you might start to think of it that way—maybe just a little," Emily explained.

My eyes pricked with tears, and I couldn't thank her enough. She was right; Houston wasn't my real home. I couldn't really say where I would call home. It certainly wasn't Little Rock like they thought, and I no longer felt that way about Forks. When I thought of the house in Phoenix, I remembered a little plaque my mom had put by the back door that said, "Home is where the heart is." If that was true, then I had never known a home like Houston.

"I already do," I assured her, wiping my eyes, and I was glad it was Millie's turn to open her gifts.

When everyone opened their presents, I was glad they all liked what I had made. When I had first appeared here, Millie was aghast that I didn't know how to knit, so she quickly set out to rectify the problem. While I could only knit in a straight line, after weeks of practice, I was actually okay at it. With the continuing need to send socks to the front, there wasn't enough yarn to make scarves, and there wasn't really much of a need for them in the mild Texas winter. However, it could still get chilly, so I made everyone ear warmers.

"Bella, I'm simply struck by your innovation!" Rebecca exclaimed.

"Look, Mama, they don't bother your hair like a regular hat," Emily said as she modeled hers.

Though it might have been silly, I had sent one to Jasper as well, thinking he could wear it under his uniform hat if he got cold. I hoped it had arrived there in time and that he was even there to receive it. As I stared wistfully at his lone stocking, I remembered to ask Rebecca about the post.

She assured me in the time Jasper had been in the army, there had been many stretches—sometimes as long as a month—when they hadn't heard word from him. Usually at the end of that time, a bundle of letters would arrive all at once.

"That would be the best gift of all, wouldn't it?" Thad asked me as Millie and I prepared to head home.

It had been a wonderful Christmas, and as we faced the coming New Year, I held out hope for the arrival of a bundle of letters. Hope still hadn't stopped me from obsessively reading the paper for any news or—horrifyingly—casualty lists which might appear.

There had already been some bad news from Galveston immediately after Jasper's letters had stopped. We had read in the _Galveston Weekly News_, which had relocated to Houston, that there was a bombardment of Kuhn's Wharf that lasted over half an hour. Apparently, one man on land had fired a shot, and immediately the Yankees had opened fire with both cannons and muskets from their ships. At that time, no deaths had been reported, though many houses and other buildings had been destroyed.

What if Jasper had been on a reconnaissance mission that evening? What if the Confederates hadn't reported any casualties because they hadn't wanted the Union to know they'd had men over the enemy line?

I couldn't stop that line of questioning, and as the days passed, I thought I might go mad without hearing from Jasper. I constantly paced in my room while conjuring theories about his lack of communication.

What if he had been reassigned somewhere else and hadn't had time to alert me? Soldiers were sometimes relocated. It could have easily happened to Jasper.

The local papers sometimes printed terrifying photographs of the battlefields farther east. The grainy black and white photos showed men lying on the ground on top of one another in grotesque positions, their bodies and faces so contorted, they didn't even appear to be real. There was also the occasional soldier lying on the ground so peacefully, it looked like instead of falling in battle, he had simply decided to stop fighting and take a nap. The images were heartbreaking and made the stabbing worry in my chest grow exponentially. I'd had no clue such photos from the Civil War even existed, let alone that newspapers published them. What if one of those nameless faces was my Jasper?

What if he had fallen ill? We had read reports in the paper about an outbreak of Yellow Fever that started in Matagorda and was running rampant through the army camps. I didn't even know what Yellow Fever was, but I was worried Jasper might have been on his deathbed only sixty miles away from us. Millie tried to placate me by saying Jasper was probably as healthy as a horse but as bored as he had always been in the camp. Perhaps it was because of the threat of an epidemic that mail wasn't being transported to or from the camp.

Unfortunately, this led to a new host of worries for me. Though I had still been writing to him regularly, what if Jasper was sitting in his tent worried about why_ I_ wasn't writing to_ him_? Since I had realized my feelings, I had yet to express them. It was unbearably difficult not to do so, especially as his letters continued to become more romantic. In every letter, he would take an opportunity to describe how he foresaw our life together in the north pasture and how we would fill our days. I yearned to do the same in my letters to him, but I was so concerned I might jinx things by declaring myself in a letter and not in person. So many times, my hand had frozen over a letter to him as I struggled not to pen the words, but I wanted to see his face when I told him I loved him, and I selfishly wanted to hear his voice when he told me in return. Perhaps absurdly, I thought if I didn't tell him in a letter, he would _have_ to come back home to me so I could tell him myself.

However, what if something had happened to Jasper, and he thought I didn't return his affection?

My concerns were compounding, and I felt my worry and imagination spiraling out of control. What if I caused this? What if my coming to the past had changed Jasper's future? Clearly, in my 2006 universe, he was supposed to have already been a vampire after evacuating Galveston, and he wasn't. What if my time traveling screwed up his entire life path?

Before coming to 1862, I had never given much thought to the idea of time travel, but I had certainly seen movies and read books that mentioned it. Everyone knew the first rule of time travel was not to change anything, and I had majorly messed that one up by even interacting with Jasper and his family.

I was so desperate to have some sort of confirmation that he was okay. If only there was a way I could somehow get to him, but civilian travel between Houston and Galveston was forbidden. I remembered learning in history class about women who would cut their hair and join the army to be close to their men. I briefly considered this plan, but I didn't think there was any way I could pass as a man. In addition, many new soldiers were being sent east, and I couldn't chance such a thing if Jasper was still in Texas.

If only I wasn't so squeamish about blood, I could have signed up to be a field nurse in order to find him. That line of thought reminded me of a certain pale and cold doctor. Carlisle was in the United States by the Civil War. I knew he would most likely be somewhere in the North, but I wondered what he would be doing during the war and if he would be serving as a doctor. Could _he_ be of some help to me? He, of course, had no clue who I was, but maybe I could explain things to him. Certainly he would believe me if I knew so much about him. Even if I thought he could help me find Jasper—and not have me committed in the process—I had no idea where to even start looking for him. Maybe Millie would have ideas on how to track someone down without the help of the internet, phone books, or public records.

These ideas might have been crazy, but I felt like I was out of options. If I was going to continue to live in this time, I wasn't going to do it without Jasper. Just as I turned from my bedroom window to go in search of Millie, there was a knock at my door, and I ran to answer it.

"Is there mail?" I practically screamed as I threw open the door.

Millie stood on the other side, her face looking worn and drawn. I suddenly felt my knees grow weak, and my heart stopped beating. There was only one reason for why she would look that way.

"What is it? What have you heard?"

At first, Millie didn't answer, but the tears in her eyes spoke volumes. I tried unsuccessfully to keep my panic under control.

"It's the Yellow Fever," she said quietly, looking as if she were under a spell.

"Oh," I cried, hanging onto the door frame and gulping air. I willed myself not to faint. "Jasper."

Millie seemed to snap out of her trance. "No, not Jasper. Not Jasper," she said shaking her head. I couldn't comprehend what she was saying. "Emily."

"What? _What_? Who has Yellow Fever?" Millie wasn't making any sense, and I was trying my hardest not to start shaking her.

"Emily has Yellow Fever. Jasper's most likely safe at camp, thank goodness."

I felt terrible for breathing a sigh of relief and needed to sit after such alarm. Millie followed me to the bed.

"I'm sure I'm overreacting. Emily is young and strong and will likely fight it off just fine. However, the reports in the paper have been just dreadful. We must pray it's just sensationalism," she finally said.

"What can we do?" I asked.

"Thad is away for a few days on business, so I'm going to go stay at the farm to help Rebecca nurse Emily back to health. I hate to leave you here by yourself, but it wouldn't do to have us all exposed. Do you mind terribly?"

"I'll be just fine. Do you know how Emily is?" The earlier look on Millie's face still had me worried.

"Right now she's weak and a little delirious from the fever. She's refusing to eat and is in a bit of pain. She's still in the early stage of it, but she should be fine unless she become jaundiced," Millie said, drying her eyes.

I hugged her and tried to assure her everything would be okay. Millie said she was going to leave right away but would return as soon as Emily was in the clear.

As I saw her out the front door, I passed my reflection in the entryway mirror and was taken aback. I hadn't looked this terrible since right after Edward had left. My worry about Jasper had caused me to neglect my hygiene and certainly my appearance. I decided to take advantage of my time alone in the house by hauling the metal bathtub from the back porch to the kitchen.

I knew as soon as my body was submerged in warm water, at least some of my tension would be relieved, and I was correct. In the time it took to transport the tub and fill it up with hot water, the sky had grown dark. I was enjoying the silence of the house and the peacefulness of my bath.

As I relaxed further, I chastised myself for my ridiculous concerns about Jasper; Rebecca had told me these breaks in communication happened, and I needed to trust her. I was making myself crazy with all of this fretting. In fact, I was sure once I did hear from Jasper, and I shared my wild notions with him, he would laugh heartily over them and probably be more than a little flattered.

I was daydreaming about hearing Jasper laugh when I thought I heard the rapid approach of a horse outside. I tried to be as quiet as I could, but over the sound of my heart pounding in my ears, I couldn't make out the sound of a wagon, so it was just a single rider.

I stood up quickly, sloshing some water on the floor, and hastily threw on my robe. I turned down the lamp in the kitchen and felt my way through the dark house to peek through the front windows. Pressing my face to the cool glass, I could just make out movement near the barn. I couldn't see much, but I could see the silhouette wasn't female, so it wasn't Rebecca or Millie coming back with news of Emily. Millie had said Thad would be gone for days, so he wasn't a possibility.

I thought I knew what fear was when Millie had accidentally led me to believe that Jasper had Yellow Fever, but now I was truly frightened. All of the Whitlocks had warned me about the current dangers on the home front. What was I supposed to do? It didn't matter whether it was a Confederate deserter or a Union invader; neither was someone I would want to meet in a dark house alone—essentially naked and alone.

Should I run out the back door and see if I could make it all the way to the Whitlock farm? Without shoes on, it didn't seem possible. Should I try to hide somewhere in the house and hope he would only come in looking for food and valuables? What if he then decided to spend the night in the house? The still-warm bath water would make it obvious someone had been home.

Terror had frozen me to my place at the window as I frantically contemplated where I could hide. My heart was slamming in my chest, and my breath was coming in short, labored bursts.

As the edges of my vision started to blur, I realized I was out of time; he was stalking toward the house.

* * *

**Author Note:** **Thank you so much to all of my fabulous reviewers. Every chapter, I am blown away by the response. I appreciate hearing your thoughts, and I reply to all reviews with a teaser for the next chapter.**

**You can also get additional teasers and answers to (some of) your questions on the "Leaves of Grass" forum thread. Follow the link in my profile.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Author note: Thank you so much to my reviewers. You constantly blow me away. The real heroines of this story are my betas Jointgifts and McGee42 and my pre-reader, JaspersDestiny. **

**This story is rated M. **

* * *

_Previously:_

_Fright had frozen me to my place at the window as I contemplated where I could hide. My heart was slamming in my chest, and my breath was coming in short, labored bursts. As the edges of my vision started to blur, I realized I was out of time; he was stalking toward the house._

* * *

**Chapter 17:**

Even though I saw his shadowed form coming closer to the house, I still couldn't move. What would happen when he came in and found me? Perhaps I could find something to wield as a weapon. I willed my limbs to cooperate, but apparently my body was focusing too much on staying conscious to get the message. Just as I thought I might faint, the stranger walked into a patch of moonlight that lit up his face.

I gasped and felt tears prick my eyes. "Jasper," I whispered. He was the most beautiful sight I had ever beheld.

It took only a second for my body to respond, and I flew to the door, throwing it open and propelling myself down the stairs. Thankfully, I managed to get all the way down to the walk without falling flat on my face. I didn't think Jasper knew what was happening until I collided with his chest, wrapping my arms tightly around him with my face buried against him.

"Jasper, Jasper, Jasper," I kept repeating as he returned my embrace by placing his arms around my waist.

I couldn't believe it; he was safe, and he was actually here. He had yet to speak, but I could feel his warm breath ghosting over my hair. I lifted my face slightly as I ran my fingers over his hair and face to convince myself he was real, but I still hadn't looked in his eyes. I was afraid I might discover I was dreaming.

"I had hoped for a warm reception, but this is—"

I couldn't wait any longer. I pushed up on the balls of my bare feet to bring my lips close to his, and I kissed his mouth, just once, sweetly. The action filled me with such relief; we were finally together. I moved my lips to kiss each corner of his soft lips, followed by along his jawline, and each of his cheeks. He bent his head slightly so I could reach either side of his nose, each of his brows, and his closed eyelids. I wanted to greet every part of him with my lips.

He remained quiet and still, but I couldn't stop saying his name after each kiss. "Jasper, Jasper," I sighed as I rubbed my nose down the side of his. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I love you. I love—"

Then it was Jasper's turn to cut me off as his mouth crashed against mine. It was not a timid kiss or one filled with hesitation. He wasn't asking my permission, and he didn't have to; everything I was belonged to him. I could feel every bit of longing and passion coming from him as he drew me closer against him. The kiss was slow and delicious and made me forget there was even a time when I could have _imagined_ not being in love with him.

Jasper reluctantly pulled away from my mouth to look me in the eyes as his hands ran up and down my back.

"It makes me so happy to hear you say that. I love you, too. I think I've loved you from the first moment I saw you. Since then I've waited, and . . . I love you so much," he said huskily, resting his forehead on mine. "However, it appears you aren't dressed. Perhaps we should move our reunion inside."

He grinned as he glanced down at my attire. I had forgotten I was only wearing a robe. Thankfully, it was tied and covered everything that needed to be covered. At least I hadn't gotten my hair wet during my bath, and it hung loosely over my shoulders. While I knew I must have appeared scandalous to Jasper, I wasn't embarrassed in the least.

I looked up at Jasper, trying to think of how to get in the house, as now that we were together, I couldn't bear the idea of being physically separated for even a minute. Jasper clearly felt the same way, because he scooped me up in his arms and carried me up the porch steps and into the house.

As soon as the door clicked shut, I slid out of his arms and resumed our kiss, pushing his back against the door. I couldn't get enough of his taste and his scent. I couldn't believe how powerful my feelings were; I wanted to be surrounded by Jasper, consumed by him.

I hadn't bothered yet to find out how it was possible he was home. "What are you—how are you here?" I asked breathily.

I decided the specifics weren't important. His mouth had better things to do than explain his current orders. "No—it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is you're here, and we're together."

We kissed until my head started to spin. I stopped to catch my breath, and I ran my hands down his arms. His thick, bulky uniform was hardly conducive to feeling him very well, so I pulled away from him slightly to be able to start undoing the two long rows of buttons on his coarse jacket.

As I finished the outer row of buttons, Jasper's hands were running over my hair, pushing it over my shoulders and smoothing it down my back. Then, his thumbs brushed over my cheeks, trailed down my neck, and stopped where my collarbones met the robe. The feel of his hands on my body was so electric I could barely stand upright. Nothing mattered other than us in this moment. I loved him so much, and the facts of how we met and how I might have been brought to this time were just details.

His breathing was heavy as he spoke. "I won't bore you with _all_ of the particulars, but I went to my parents' house first. Millie came to the door, and while she was happy to see me, she told me I couldn't be anywhere near the house because of Emily's illness." Every few words he spoke were punctuated by gentle kisses marking a path from my forehead down to where his thumbs rested at the collar of my robe.

"When she told me you were here by yourself, I rushed right over. I'm sorry if I frightened you, but I couldn't stand the thought of you being alone in this house." He shuddered. "If anything ever happened to you . . ." he trailed off.

"I feel the same way about you. When I didn't hear from you—" he interrupted me when his mouth found mine again.

I was finally successful in undoing Jasper's coat, and I pushed it down his shoulders and tossed it on an entryway chair. There was still too much between us, so I started to grab the collar of his shirt, but his hands grasped my wrists, effectively stopping me from my task.

"Bella," he sighed. I could see the hesitation and confusion in his eyes. I knew Jasper wanted this as much as I did. Maybe he wasn't sure how to proceed—if he even should.

"Jasper, I want this. I want you," I said as I placed wet kisses down his neck, tasting his salty skin. His hands loosened slightly, and I was able to undo the first of his shirt buttons.

"I don't . . ." he started.

"I want this. I want you," I repeated as I undid the next button. I quickly explored the newly revealed territory of his body with my mouth.

He let go of my wrists completely and pulled my face to his. His kiss left me lightheaded and proved his desire matched mine. I pulled myself even closer to him and jumped up slightly, wrapping my legs around his waist. He quickly supported me with his arms.

"Oh, Bella," he whispered, his hands coming into contact with my bare thighs as the robe fell away from my legs. With his eyes closed, he leaned his head back against the door. "I want this, too. I want _you_."

Despite his words, I could still tell Jasper was fighting his feelings, and he began to shake his head. "I apologize. I've let myself get carried away with you." He started to let go of me, but I tightened my grip with both my arms and my legs. He sighed in response.

"I don't want just one night with you. That's not the kind of man I am, not the kind of man you deserve. I want _every_ night. I want _everything _with you," he said, kissing me softly.

"I know," I breathed. "I want that, too."

"You're home alone and not even dressed." He briefly opened his eyes, looked down at what I was wearing, and quickly looked away, closing his eyes once more. "I don't want to take advantage of you."

"Jasper, open your eyes and look at me. You are not taking advantage of me. I am capable of making my own decisions."

His forehead creased in concentration. "It just isn't r—"

"Don't you dare say, 'right,'" I admonished, though I quickly softened my tone and my voice. I slowly kissed him again. "Everything about this is right. I love you, and we _will_ have everything. Though, for tonight, let's just focus on you and me. Right here. Right now. Can we do that?"

"Yes," he finally whispered before claiming my lips again.

He started to bite my neck slightly, and though my vision started to cross, I forced myself to pull back and focus on his eyes. I wanted him to see I was serious. I had no doubts about us or what we were doing.

"Jasper, take me upstairs," I ordered.

We made haste up the stairs to my room, and then he carefully pulled down the blankets and laid me on the bed. For a minute, neither of us moved; we just stared at other. I'm sure I looked a mess with my tangled hair strewn across the bed and my green robe haphazardly coving my heated flesh, but the way Jasper was looking at me made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. The only light in the room was the moonlight filtering through the curtains, but it was enough to see him as he finished unbuttoning his shirt, letting it fall to the floor.

As he kicked off his boots and unfastened his belt, the only sound in the room was our ragged breathing. The sight of his bare chest in the scant light was enough to make me practically pant. He was sculpted from his time on the farm and in the army, and I couldn't wait to run my hands down the muscles of his exposed back. I even had the desire to brush my cheek against the light smattering of hair on his chest just to see if it was as soft as it looked.

It was really happening, and I just wanted to drink everything in. I went to undo the sash on my robe, but Jasper leaned over the bed to stop me with his hand. With his hand resting on my waist, he lay next to me on the bed, propping his head up with his other hand. He dragged his fingers from my belt up to my lips and down again. Every time his hand brushed downward, my robe opened a little more, and I had to fight the urge to gently bite his finger every time it touched my mouth. As he marked a slow and aching path between my breasts, I thought I would explode.

He finally opened his mouth as if to speak before closing it and opening it yet again. It didn't seem like Jasper to be at a loss for words, but I wasn't surprised, as I could barely think at that point.

"I don't know what you might expect from me tonight, or what you might have thought I've . . . um . . . but I've never . . ." Jasper said, looking away from me, toward the window.

I was both surprised at his lack of experience and touched by his vulnerability. I certainly didn't have any expectations for how things would be for us, but if I did, I would imagine we had already surpassed them.

"Jasper," I said softly, pulling his chin so he was looking at me again. "I expect nothing of you, and I can't make any promises about myself, either. My only expectation is that we experience this together."

I started kissing him, at first gently then more passionately, until it felt like my body was on fire. As he remained leaning over me, I was dying to feel his weight on top of me. I finally managed to pull at the knot on my robe. It fell open, leaving me completely exposed, and he leaned away so he could see all of me. It appeared as if he didn't know where to look first.

His gaze traced a path from hip to hip, across my abdomen, then to each of my breasts. Every move of his glance made my skin burn just a little more. I wanted to cry and beg him to touch me. He was staring for so long that I hoped I met with his approval. When he finally dragged his eyes back up to mine, the look of wonder and lust I saw on his face was enough to abolish any embarrassment or inadequacy I might have felt. I felt nothing but desired.

"Are you nervous?" he asked, looking back down my body.

"No," I answered honestly, my voice coming out much lower than usual. "I want you to see me. I want you to _touch_ me."

Jasper quickly obliged and tenderly laid his hand on one of my breasts, his eyes briefly flicking up to mine to see if this was all right. His touch was so loving and reverent, and I arched into his hand, begging for more.

"You're so soft," he commented as he brushed his thumb lightly over my nipple before beginning to knead my breast.

I threw back my head as his mouth made contact with my chest. He slowly explored the entire surface of my breast before finally taking my nipple into his mouth while his hand started to pay attention to my other breast.

With every ounce of strength I had, I grabbed Jasper's shoulders and forced him from his position lying at my side to one in between my legs.

I was on the verge of combusting as his mouth made its way to my other nipple. At first, he tentatively licked it, but when he took me in his mouth completely, I bucked into him, moaning.

"Your pants, Jasper. Your pants," I demanded.

It was an ungraceful struggle for Jasper to remove his pants, as my legs were firmly wrapped around his waist and my hands were woven in his hair. I couldn't stop myself from thrusting up into his body. I had never felt this way before; it was as if every part of my body was yearning for Jasper's touch.

With his pants finally off and his body on top of me, he placed his hand lightly between my legs.

"May I feel you?"

I nodded.

Ever so slightly, he began to stroke up and down my already slick folds. I thought I would die from the sensation; it was so powerful and unlike anything I had ever felt before. I had never been touched in such a way, and in order to keep myself from scratching his back, I desperately clawed at the sheets beneath me. As his fingers explored my surface, Jasper's breathing was labored, and his eyes were closed, his face tense, as if he were in deep concentration.

I strained to lean up and take his mouth with mine. He kissed me deeply and thoroughly as one of his fingers slipped into me.

"Oh." It was all I could say.

"Is this . . . acceptable? I don't know how to do this."

At first, his touch was a little awkward, but I reached down to adjust his hand to a more comfortable rhythm. When he began to follow my lead, I groaned and pushed my body into his hand, devouring every inch of his neck and chest my mouth could reach.

I could barely see, I was so dizzy with passion, and while I loved the pressure that was then building from his hand, I wanted so much more. We would have plenty of time to explore each other later, but right then, all I wanted was the feeling of Jasper inside of me.

"Now, Jasper," I pleaded, trying to pull his hips to mine.

He removed his hand and positioned himself at my entrance, rubbing himself on my wetness.

"Please," I whimpered.

"It might . . ." he started to say as he pressed his forehead against mine.

I hesitated, but I nodded, not caring about whatever discomfort might be associated with my first time. After all of my falls and accidents, I at least doubted the possibility of bleeding. I briefly considered asking him if he had any protection, but I quickly realized that wouldn't be a possibility. With where I was in my cycle, I didn't think it would be a concern.

"Please," I finally murmured.

Jasper started to press into me before I shifted my hips slightly to help him, whispering, "A little lower."

He then ever so slowly guided himself into me, and I gasped, instantly feeling a little panicky. I tried to fight the instinct telling me to push him off me. He paused to let me adjust to the feeling of him. At first, he felt like an intrusion that was taking up too much space, but I knew I needed to relax and let my body accommodate his size. The slight pain I was feeling finally started to dissipate, and though it wasn't entirely comfortable yet, I wanted to feel him move within me.

Jasper's face was inches away from mine, and I could see the tension as he forced himself to be still. His hands were tightly gripping the bedding on either side of my head. As I slightly thrust my hips against him, the relief on his face was evident.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

I nodded and pushed against him again; he needed no further encouragement. It took a moment to find our rhythm, but I was entranced by the look of sheer pleasure on Jasper's face and every gasp and "ungh" to come out of his mouth. Soon, my discomfort dissolved, and, amazingly, I began to feel the same delicious pressure as with Jasper's hand.

Every pant and moan I heard from Jasper sent me closer toward the edge. "Bella, Bella, Bella," he quietly began to chant. "I can't . . . I'm not going to . . ." he struggled to get the words out, but I knew he was close.

"Yes, Jasper. I want you to," I said, feeling I was close to something as well. I hadn't expected to feel this way the first time; I didn't even know that was possible. Maybe it was less from the physical sensations and more from seeing such an amazing expression on Jasper's face paired with such primal noises. My body began to clench, and it felt as if I was falling off a precipice. I knew the noises coming out of my mouth were nonsensical as I roughly grabbed Jasper's back. I opened my eyes just in time to see Jasper's face beautifully contort as he arched into me.

I felt him pulse inside of me as he tenderly kissed my lips. "I love you. I love you," he breathed over my skin.

"I love you, too," I whispered, still in shock.

Jasper shifted his body to lie down next to me, and I groaned from the feeling of his absence and then the subsequent dull ache between my legs. He pulled the blanket over us and drew me into his arms. I rested my head on his chest and looked up at him. After a minute of quiet, he finally opened his eyes, and the smile on his face was radiant.

"That was . . ."

"I know," I responded, giggling.

"I can't believe . . . you seemed to enjoyit as much as I did," he said in awe.

"Of course I did," I said.

"I wasn't _aware_," he said, making me realize perhaps the details of the female orgasm weren't well known in 1862. The idea of climax aside, the fascinating sight of Jasper's pleasure was enough to make that the most enjoyable experience of my life. It was absolutely amazing. I was so proud _I_ had made him feel that way.

"I promise that I'll always enjoy what we do together. Just the look on your face would have been enough for me."

Jasper practically beamed, flashing his dimples. "So, I take that to mean there will be more of this," he said leaning down to kiss me again, his hand running a circuit over my shoulders and down to my hip.

"Yes, but not tonight." I chuckled just before yawning and reaching over to find a handkerchief in my nightstand with which to clean up. "That was wonderful, but I'll need a little time to recuperate before the next time."

I placed a kiss over Jasper's heart and snuggled into him. Our legs tangled together as he kissed the top of my head.

"I love you so much, and it would make me happy just to hold you as you sleep tonight," he said as I let my eyes drift closed.

"Me, too," I whispered, knowing any dreams I had that night could never compare to my reality.

.

.

.

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**Author Note: That was certainly better than a bundle of letters. Was it worth the wait? **

**I appreciate hearing your thoughts and always send my reviewers a teaser for the next chapter.**


	18. Chapter 18

_Previously:_

_I placed a kiss over Jasper's heart and snuggled into him. Our legs tangled together as he kissed the top of my head. _

"_I love you so much, and it would make me happy just to hold you as you sleep tonight," he said as I let my eyes drift closed._

"_Me, too," I whispered, knowing any dreams I had that night could never compare to my reality._

* * *

**Chapter 18:**

As the late morning sun streamed through the lace curtains of my bedroom, I lazily opened my eyes to find that not only was Jasper still in my bed, but he was staring at me lovingly. The sight of him took my breath away, and I thought my heart would burst from happiness.

"Mmmm. It wasn't all a dream. You're really here," I murmured, pulling myself flush with his torso.

"I may have to disagree about it not being a dream, but I am real." Jasper smiled and kissed me tenderly. I was thankful we were lying down, because this man made me weak in the knees.

"I love you," I said. "I'm sorry I didn't tell—"

"Shh." He stopped me by placing his finger against my lips. "No apologies. There's no need."

I couldn't believe my own foolishness in not admitting my feelings for him earlier. I wouldn't trade the previous night's mutual declarations for anything in the world, but I couldn't help but wish he had left for war with the assurance of my love. I felt like I had wasted so much time, and I refused to waste another moment of our time together, especially as I couldn't be certain how much time we would have together. Jasper could suddenly return to war, or I could suddenly return to 2006.

"I love you," I softly repeated.

"I love you, too." He leaned over to press his lips to the crook of my neck and ran his nose along my bare shoulder peeking above the sheet.

There hadn't been much time for talking the night before, and I was hazy on the details of his arrival. I had been so deliriously happy to see him that I hadn't been truly listening. I did remember him saying he had been by his parents' before coming here.

"Won't your mother and Millie be worried about where you are?" I asked, drawing figures on his bare chest with my finger. The sun made his already bronzed skin practically glow, and I loved running my hands over its smooth surface.

"They'll be fine. Millie knew I was coming here, and she was glad you wouldn't be in the house alone. I'm sure this wasn't where she imagined me sleeping, but they won't ask questions."

I hadn't felt more than a moment's embarrassment at the time, but I couldn't help but blush at the idea of Jasper's family finding out about our evening activities.

"What about your sister?" I certainly wanted Emily to have a quick recovery, but I couldn't help but hope Millie would still be needed on the farm today.

"Millie said she was on the mend, but it would be a couple of days before they could be sure. She didn't want to risk me getting sick, so we didn't speak very long. I believe she said it was her patriotic duty to make sure I didn't bring Yellow Fever back to the camp with me."

Jasper was smiling, but his words made my blood run cold.

"Back to the camp? You're not staying for good?" Tears started to cloud my vision. I hadn't even considered the possibility of needing to say goodbye again.

"No, but I'm here for a little while, and I'll be back again," he assured me.

"I don't want to talk about you leaving." I couldn't face the prospect right now. I just got him back, and I didn't want to sully our time together counting down the minutes until we would part. "I just want to enjoy every moment while you're here with me."

"Agreed," he said, as he pushed the bedding completely off my shoulder and started to run his hand down my chest while his mouth found my ear.

"Umm," I moaned just as Jasper's stomach growled.

I laughed while he apologized, "I'm sorry. My day usually starts earlier on post."

"Then, I'll just have to make you breakfast before we address other hungers," I said as I sat up and threw my legs over the side of the bed, sitting with my back to Jasper.

I started to pull my robe over my shoulders, but Jasper stopped me. He pulled my hair aside and ran his mouth from the side of my neck to the edge of my shoulder, scraping his teeth as he went. As they made contact with my skin, my whole body erupted in goose bumps. He ran his hand down my chest and cupped my breast, lightly pinching my nipple between his fingers. I trembled from the delicious sensation and turned my head around to attack his mouth.

He indulged me for a moment with soft kisses. Too soon, he broke away, leaning back on the bed, the sheet resting at his waist. I was curious to see what he looked like in the daylight; I had only gotten the chance to see his chest the night before.

"I just wanted to make sure I wasn't the only hungry one," he said with a smirk and a wink, jumping out of bed and giving me a good look at his backside while he pulled on his pants.

He turned around, smiling when he had caught me staring. I quickly turned back and stood up, belting my robe.

When I made my way to the other side of the bed, Jasper walked me backward to where I was pressed against the doorframe. He leaned down slightly and put his hands into the opening of my robe, running his hands up the outside of my thighs and around until he was holding my bare bottom in his hands. He pulled me close to him, letting me know exactly how hungry he was before kissing me senseless. The feel of him against me made light explode behind my eyelids, and all too quickly, he pulled away.

"I promise that we'll have plenty of time this afternoon for each other. I recall you saying last night you wanted me to see you—to touch you—and I want you to see and touch me, too," he said, not helping my ability to stand.

Sensing I might not be able to walk, Jasper picked me up in the same manner he had outside of the house the night before and carried me down the stairs, depositing me on a kitchen chair. I went to stand up to make Jasper breakfast, but he put his hand on my shoulder, keeping me seated.

"I'm going to make _you_ breakfast," he said.

I was both touched and surprised by the offer; making breakfast "the morning after" didn't seem very fitting for a man of 1862. I looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

"I can cook a few things," he indignantly replied while lighting a fire in the stove.

"Jasper, you don't have to do this. I would love to make you breakfast," I argued. He shook his head at me, and I started to move to take care of the abandoned bathtub from the previous night, but Jasper stopped me.

"Please, just sit and relax. I want you well-rested for later this morning." He smiled, turning to the stove to crack some eggs in a pan.

As he sliced some cornbread I had made earlier in the week and grabbed a pot of jam to place on the table, I enjoyed my wonderful view of Jasper's broad chest and back without his shirt on. I was itching to stand up and run my hands over his back and around to the prominent "V" that disappeared into Jasper's low-slung pants.

"Well-rested, huh?" I asked. Jasper looked over his shoulder and rewarded me with a flash of his dimples.

"I also figured you deserved to have someone cook for you for change."

"Thank you, but Millie and I have been sharing the kitchen responsibilities."

"Ah, but I seem to recall you doing almost all of the morning cooking for your parents, save for an incident with your mother's flaming pancakes." He chuckled.

I was glad Jasper found enjoyment in my letters to him. "Renée was fortunate to keep her eyebrows following that episode."

"I find it curious that you often refer to your parents by their first names. Perhaps it is because you spent so much time taking care of _them_."

I smiled at how I often didn't need to explain things to Jasper. I was amazed at how well we had gotten to know each other simply through our correspondence.

"True," I sighed. "Jasper, if I haven't said so already, I want you to know how much I loved every one of your letters and how grateful I was that you took the time to write to me. That you gave me another chance."

He turned around from the stove with a plate in his hands, and his face was serious. "_I_ am so grateful . . . for a great many things."

My heart did a flip-flop as Jasper brought the eggs over to the table. He sat down after scooting his chair next to mine and planting a kiss on the top of my head. We ate quickly between stolen kisses and touches under the table. It seemed as if neither one of us could stop touching the other.

When we finished, I convinced Jasper to let me at least wash the dishes. What should have been a short task took much longer, because he stood behind me the entire time nuzzling my neck, exploring inside the flap of my robe, and pushing his hips into me.

I had no sooner rinsed the last dish before he grabbed my hand, and we practically ran up the stairs. Our minimal clothing was off in a second, and we took full advantage of the sunlight to explore each other with our eyes and our hands.

As we slowly made love into the early afternoon, I was mesmerized by the variety of sounds I could make come out of Jasper's mouth. He seemed equally intrigued by my vocalizations, of which there were many.

"I would like to ride into town today," Jasper said as we basked, wrapped in each other's arms on the bed.

"Why is that?" I lazily asked, a little put-out we would have to eventually put on clothes.

He pulled my chin up to make sure I was looking at him. He nervously swallowed a few times, and his hesitation to speak made me anxious. "Because I would like to get the preacher to marry us. I know it won't be how you probably imagined your wedding—"

Oh. I wasn't sure what to say, how to tell him.

"Jasper, we can't," I interrupted.

A look of hurt briefly washed over his face. "Bella, in just one day, you've given me so much. I want to be everything I can to you and give you everything I have—starting with my name. I don't just want to give you last night but every night for the rest of my life. I thought I made that clear to you. What we've been doing means something to me. It's got to mean something to you, too."

I hated seeing him plead like this.

"I know I didn't do things in the right order. I'm not going to be here long, and I would like to leave knowing you're my wife," he finished.

I thought about how I had always felt about marriage. I had never had any real role models in the way of love. My parents hadn't set the best example, and eighteen was awfully young to get married. I knew what had to be said.

"Jasper," I implored, "that's not what I meant. We can't go see the preacher, because he's already left for the war. The church is closed."

Looking at Jasper's face, it was as if storm clouds had parted, leaving behind a look of pure joy in their stead.

"And if he was there?" Jasper asked excitedly.

"We would already be on our way," I said, kissing his lips, my own happiness overflowing. If this strange experience through time had taught me anything, it was that I needed to live in the moment; there really was no such concrete thing as the past or the future. Alice told me I needed to follow my heart, and that was exactly what I planned to do.

Jasper and I belonged together.

We didn't leave the bedroom again for hours. As we missed lunch, we grabbed something easy in the kitchen, and though we wouldn't be riding to the church, Jasper suggested we go for a ride anyway.

"I'd like to go out to the north pasture with you now that I know it will truly be _our _home," he said while we headed to the barn.

"I know you enjoy riding on your own, but out of necessity, would you mind riding with me this once?" Jasper asked, nodding to the single horse in the barn.

"Of course not," I said, thinking of how nice it would be to be pressed so close to his body for the entire ride out to the pasture.

We made short time to the site of our future home, and I loved every minute of our trip. Jasper and his horse showed me what a true gallop was, and had I not been able to hold onto him so tightly, I might have been frightened. However, I knew I had nothing to fear with Jasper, and feeling the speed of the horse with my face pressed against his back was thrilling.

The pasture held new meaning for me now that I knew it would be where I would make my life with Jasper. As we lay down on a blanket next to the stakes we had placed so many weeks before, we both enjoyed the company and the nice weather. I was amazed it could be so warm outside around New Year's.

"Earlier, you said you wanted to leave knowing I was your wife . . ."

"Yes," he drawled.

"I don't need a wedding or a church or a minister to declare myself to you. I know you're what I want in life, and I'm more than happy to promise myself to you right here—where we'll spend our lives together."

I wasn't sure if Jasper understood what I meant. "We can have all of that later, when you return from the war, but that will be for other people—not for us."

He leaned toward me and kissed me sweetly on the lips before sitting up and indicating I should as well. "Give me a moment," he said, smiling and turning to grab a few pieces of grass.

"What are you doing?"

"I agree with you. I don't need the pomp and circumstance either, but I do insist you at least have a ring," he said, making quick work of his hands and showing me the ring he had fashioned from the land of our future home.

"I celebrate myself, and what I assume, you shall assume, for every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you," he quoted from Whitman's "Song of Myself" as he slipped the ring on my finger, kissing it when he was done.

I grabbed his hand and placed it over my heart, repeating the same words before kissing his lips.

"How fitting," I whispered, looking down at my green woven ring and smiling. "Leaves of grass."

.

.

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* * *

**Author Note: **

**I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I love hearing your thoughts, and I reply to each review with a teaser. **

**On the last chapter, I got a few comments/questions about the likelihood of Jasper and Bella having sex before marriage in 1862. Premarital sex was **_**a lot**_** more common during the Civil War than most people would think. In fact, about 25 percent of brides were pregnant on their wedding day. (A more thorough discussion of Civil War sex can be found on the LoG forum thread. The link is in my profile.)**


	19. Chapter 19

**Author Note: Thank you so much, as always, to my crew JaspersDestiny, JointGifts, and McGee42. **

**Chapter 20 will be posted next week, but due to traveling, there will be a week break between 20 and 21. **

* * *

_Previously:_

"_I celebrate myself, and what I assume you shall assume, for every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you," he quoted from Whitman's "Song of Myself" as he slipped the ring on my finger, kissing it when he was done. _

_I grabbed his hand and placed it on my heart, repeating the same words before kissing his lips. _

"_How fitting," I whispered, looking down at my green woven ring. "Leaves of grass."_

* * *

**Chapter 19:**

The night before had been the perfect finale to a wonderful day. We celebrated our vows into the early hours of the morning before falling asleep entwined in each other's arms. I woke up several times throughout the night just to stare at Jasper's sleeping face and trace his features with my finger. He looked so peaceful, and it seemed like he was smiling even in his sleep. I couldn't stop smiling either; I couldn't remember ever being so happy.

As I opened my eyes to my sunlit bedroom, I couldn't believe I had ever doubted the possibility of Jasper and me. He was so wonderful, and he was wonderfully _mine_. My husband. A small giggle escaped at that delicious thought. I stretched my limbs and rolled over, eager to watch my new spouse wake up, but I found myself facing an empty side of the bed.

Though I was a little disappointed not to share the start of our day together, I smiled, thinking perhaps Jasper was making breakfast again. He really didn't need to do that for me, but I found it terribly sweet he would do it at all, let alone two days in row.

I wondered how and when we would tell his family about our plans to eventually have a wedding. Millie would be so excited for us, and I couldn't wait to tell her. Perhaps we could find another minister or a judge and be legally married before Jasper needed to return to camp.

As I prepared to hop out of bed to find him in the kitchen, I spotted a note lying on his pillow.

_To Bella, my darling wife,_

_I swear, should I live forever, I would never tire of saying such a thing. I love you, and you have made me the happiest man alive by making me yours. _

_Yesterday was the best day of my life, and as the sun came up this morning, I couldn't bear to wake you. I didn't want to spoil yesterday by telling you I needed to leave today, and it would have broken my heart to say goodbye to you once more and see the sadness in your face. I beg you not to find me cowardly. Instead, know I rode off thinking of your blissful, sleeping face and the host of fabulous expressions you made last night._

_You said you did not want to know the particulars beforehand, but you should know that I was able to come back to Houston while making one last evacuation run from Galveston. My unit plans to retake the city today, and I must return to join them. Now, the only women remaining in the city are the hardened Sisters of St. Ursula, and no one could convince them to leave. At least, should things get rough on land, the sisters have God on their side. _

_I promise to be safe, my sweet. I hope, once we have reclaimed Galveston, the war in Texas will swing in our favor, and I'll be able to come home to you soon. I will be counting the days, and I cannot wait to start my forever with you. _

_Happy New Year. I love you._

_Your devoted husband, _

_Jasper_

The letter floated out from my hands as tears obscured my vision. I couldn't tell if my heart was beating or not. The whole world stopped. It seemed so unfair. Jasper had left, and he hadn't even said goodbye.

I understood his reasons to some extent; I was the one who had said I didn't want the details of how or why he was home. I had known he would eventually have to go back to reality and the camp, but I thought we would get more time together first. Obviously, I knew the South would not win the war, but I still hoped he was correct in saying he would stay safe and return home soon.

I couldn't understand why Jasper was evacuating Galveston, though. He had already cleared the city. In fact, he had just finished the evacuation when we first met. Then, I recalled he had mentioned in a letter that there were still some residents in the city when he was running reconnaissance missions.

I was confused, but suddenly I _knew_ my heart was beating because it was slamming against the walls of my chest.

Alice had said Jasper was changed outside of Galveston when he was returning from Houston after evacuating the city.

I had thought Jasper had escaped his future as a vampire because the city had already been evacuated. It had never occurred to me that he would have to do it again, even when he mentioned there were still immigrant civilians in the city.

I wasn't living in a universe where Jasper didn't become a vampire. He just hadn't become one _yet_!

My mouth went dry. As I scrambled wildly to pick up Jasper's letter from the floor and clutch it to my chest, I started to hyperventilate. The pain I felt when Edward had left was nothing compared to this torture. However, unlike then, I refused to let myself shut down. I was no longer that timid little girl I had been. I had transcended time and overcome so many challenges to be with Jasper, I would be damned if I would lose him now. Fate wouldn't have brought me here if I couldn't be with him. I had to do something. I had to fight for Jasper.

I didn't know what I was going to do, but I wasn't going to solve anything by staying in bed. The first thing I needed to do was get a horse. Millie had the only horse, and he was at the farm with her, and Jasper had ridden out on the horse he'd brought with him. Having no other choice, I quickly got dressed and started to make my way as quickly as possible on foot over the few miles between Millie's and the Whitlock farm.

I tried my hardest to run as fast as I could to the farm without risking falling flat on my face. The whole way, I kept thinking about what I could possibly do to save Jasper. Facing Maria and surviving clearly wasn't an option.

If I could get to Jasper first and keep him from continuing, maybe I could stop his future from ever happening. If he stayed more than a mile outside of Galveston, Maria would never get to him. If I didn't succeed at holding him, perhaps a trade could be arranged. I didn't know what appeal a clumsy, teenage girl would have over a decorated soldier, but perhaps I could convince her to take me in Jasper's stead, or as a last resort, change us together. I wasn't charismatic like Jasper, but I did seem to be a magnet for the supernatural. Maybe she would sense something about me worthy of the change. I was immune to Edward's talent; maybe there was a link there. Or maybe my brain just didn't work right, and I would never be able to save Jasper.

I tried not to think that way. If I started doubting myself now, Jasper definitely wouldn't be spared. Was that even what was supposed to happen?

What if I returned to the future and Jasper wasn't there because I kept him from turning? Even if Alice and Jasper had never been mates, would I be affecting her future as well? I wished there was someone to tell me what to do.

I would have to think about the Cullens later. Maybe I could save him, and later, we could try to search out Carlisle and be changed together.

I didn't care about my own future, though. I remembered what Alice had told me about Jasper's life, and I couldn't let that happen. I knew even if I had to live the rest of my life without Jasper, I would do whatever was in my power to save him from the nearly one hundred years he suffered alone with Maria. My pain was nothing compared to what I knew he would have to endure at her hands.

As I reached the Whitlock barn, I knew I needed to be quiet so as not to alarm Millie and Rebecca. Sidda was happy to see me, and I hastily saddled her as best I could and rode her out of the barn. I started riding toward Houston, knowing I would need to ask for directions to Galveston once I got there. The train between the cities was no longer operating for civilians, so I would have to ride Sidda the entire way and try to be as inconspicuous as possible.

When I arrived at a primary crossroads in the city, I was able to locate a couple of soldiers also on horseback. I rode Sidda up next to them, and they instantly halted their conversation.

"Excuse me, gentlemen. Could you please tell me how to get to Galveston?" I asked them, silently begging them to be quick in their directions.

"Well, you won't be wanting to go to Galveston today," one of them replied, tipping his hat.

"It's an absolute emergency. Life or death. I need to track down a soldier who is on his way there," I implored. Neither man looked like they were taking me seriously.

"May I ask whom it is you're seeking?" the other one asked.

"Major Jasper Whitlock." I was desperately trying not to burst into tears. "He's my husband," I added, hoping that would encourage their help.

"It seems the Major's been keeping secrets. I didn't even know he had a wife," one of them hooted, slapping his leg.

Oh my God. I dug my nails into the reins and bit my lip to stop from screaming at them. Couldn't they see I was desperate?

"Please," I begged.

"All right, all right. Listen, it's risky for a lady to be traveling alone. Major Whitlock is our commanding officer, and we're on our way to Galveston right now. He's already been through Houston this morning and is probably all the way to the island by now."

My stomach rose in my chest, and I refused to think of such a thing. I grabbed the saddle horn to steady myself as he continued talking.

"However, we'll take you as far as is safe for you to go, then we'll carry along any message you might have to him. Hopefully, he can send someone back with a reply, but I wouldn't count on it."

"Thank you!" I exclaimed. "Let's just make sure to ride quickly."

"Will do, Mrs. Whitlock," the second one said, turning his horse and digging in his heels. Instead of the giddiness I should have felt, hearing him call me Mrs. Whitlock brought a lump to my throat. No one even knew we were married.

The three of us were silent as we passed out of Houston and into the open land between the two cities. I tried my hardest not to think about what could be happening to Jasper right now or what might have already happened.

I had never been one for prayer, but I begged anyone who might be listening to please save him. I would do whatever was necessary. I would happily stay in 1862 and live the rest of my days as Jasper's wife, never thinking about how I missed modern conveniences or my family. Or, heartbreakingly, I would return to 2006, a world where Jasper wouldn't exist. I would spend the rest of my life knowing my soul mate and I were separated by almost a century and a half.

I just couldn't let Jasper be taken by Maria.

I wasn't sure how long we had been riding, but suddenly, we started to slow. "What's wrong?" I asked, panicking.

"Ma'am, we're less than a mile outside of the city. It wouldn't be safe for you to continue. You should stay here, and we'll send word to Major Whitlock."

I frantically looked around, knowing Alice had said Jasper was changed a mile outside of the city. Of course, there were no signs of vampires lurking around. Maybe it hadn't happened. Maybe I was right to begin with, and in this version of Jasper's story, there was no Maria.

"Please, I need to know if he made it into the city," I pleaded.

Realizing I didn't need their permission to try to save my husband, I urged Sidda around them and sped down the road, ignoring their shouted protests. Soon, I came to a bridge guarded by Confederate soldiers.

As I heard the two men riding up behind me, I slid off Sidda and hurried to a man at the bridge, noticing the flames of the battle for the first time and the smoke rising from the city.

"Sir, can you tell me if Jasper Whitlock has passed through?"

_Please, say yes. Please, say yes_, I silently begged.

"Major Whitlock? No, he's not been here, and we've been expecting him."

No. No. No!

I turned toward the two soldiers. "Was there any other way Jasper could have taken to get here?" I practically screamed.

"No, this is the only road. I can't believe he's not come through," one of them said.

"If he had stopped, we would have passed him. It's like he disappeared off of the road," the other one mused, as he clicked his heels against his horse, proceeding across the bridge.

I started shaking my head back and forth. I was too late. I had tried to hold myself together in order to save Jasper, but I had failed.

I tried to run after the two mounted soldiers, but I fell to my knees sobbing, knowing Maria and her sisters had found Jasper first. He was gone. I would never see him again. The last thing I did before unconsciousness claimed me was scream out his name.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**How much do you hate me? Have faith. I appreciate hearing all of your reactions, thoughts, and theories, and I always reply to reviews with a preview of the next chapter.  
**

I've previously explained that there is a time line difference between Jasper's story in the _Twilight Saga_ and in "Leaves of Grass." I wanted to be as faithful as I could be to SM's canon, except where it was contradictory to history. In her version of the story, Jasper is changed in 1863 following an evacuation of Galveston due to the threat of mortar boats. This threat would have actually occurred during the Battle of Galveston Harbor (Oct. 4, 1862). "Leaves of Grass" starts in October when Jasper completes this mission and meets Bella for the first time. I didn't want to throw out SM's ideas, just reconcile them with Civil War history. Thus, Jasper did another evacuation mission prior to the Battle of Galveston (January 1), making him available to run into Maria in 1863.


	20. Chapter 20

**Author Note: SM owns all recognizable characters. A huge thanks to my dream team: JaspersDestiny, JointGifts, and McGee42. **

**As I noted previously, I will be out of town the coming week, but I will post Ch. 21 as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience.  
**

* * *

_Previously:_

_I was too late. I had tried to hold myself together in order to save Jasper, but I had failed. _

_I fell to my knees sobbing, knowing Maria and her sisters had found him first. I would never see Jasper again. The last thing I did before unconsciousness claimed me was scream out his name. _

* * *

**Chapter 20:**

As I started to regain my senses, my body felt incredibly heavy and my throat raw from screaming. I couldn't bear to open my eyes and face Jasper's men. While I didn't care what they thought of me, I wasn't ready to confirm my worst fears. How could I have let this happen? How could I have lost Jasper?

I wondered how long it would be before he was officially listed as missing in action. What would I say to his family? How could I possibly go back to Houston knowing Jasper would never come home? I couldn't stay with Millie forever, and even the thought of living a day without Jasper felt like a huge weight on my chest. Where would I go now? What could I do? Eventually, I would have to return "home" to Arkansas, and there was most assuredly nothing for me there.

I had never felt so alone or so broken, but I needed to accept this as my fate. When I finally opened my eyes, I didn't see the soldiers or the smoke-filled sky I expected. I was staring at a smooth, white ceiling. I thought I had clearly been taken to the hospital or—more likely—had been committed. Then I sat up and saw I certainly wasn't in an 1862 mental institution.

I was sitting on the leather sofa in Edward Cullen's bedroom.

I thought maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me, but every time I blinked, I was still in Edward's room. In Forks. In 2006. It was all too much to take. I fell back against the pillows, sobbing.

How could this be happening? Was my time in 1862 even real? Or was everything in Texas a dream? Every aspect of it had been so detailed, so realistic; it couldn't have been a dream. It made me wonder if I had, in fact, dreamt everything about "the present." Maybe I was really a girl from the nineteenth century who just had fanciful dreams about the future.

Either way, Jasper was lost to me forever.

I could smell Edward's subtly sweet scent on the pillows around my head, and I cried even harder, missing the rich, manly scent of Jasper.

Oh, God.

I still had to talk to Edward; _he_ still expected us to be together. I didn't even know how I could look at him. I would never feel for him even the slightest bit of what I felt for Jasper.

Questions kept swirling in my head. What if it wasn't a dream and Maria somehow didn't turn Jasper? He could have spent the rest of his life wondering why I suddenly disappeared. What if none of the Cullens had ever met him?

I knew I had tried to bargain that I would happily live my days without Jasper if he would just be safe, but it broke my heart to think of my world without him.

I tightly shut my eyes and tried to _will_ myself back to Houston.

_You're in Texas. You're in Texas. You're Jasper's wife. You have to go to his family_, I thought repeatedly. I opened my eyes and nothing had changed.

"Jasper, Jasper." I quietly cried when I saw my bare ring finger, and I buried my head in the pillows.

My hair ruffled as if there was a slight breeze in the house, and I felt a cold touch to the back of my neck. The frigid touch made me stiffen at first, but I lifted my head when I heard him speak.

"Love, I promise you Jasper will never be a threat to you again. I'm sorry you had a nightmare and I wasn't here when you awoke." Edward was staring at me sympathetically.

What was he even talking about? As if I could ever be afraid of Jasper!

"Jasper would never, ever hurt—" I stopped and gasped. "Wait, Jasper's alive? You know him?"

Edward cocked his head and placed his hand on my forehead, as if checking for a fever. I nearly swatted his hand away before he replied, "Of course I know him; he's my brother, and he's alive."

"So, he's a vampire?" I asked, still not sure of my current reality. It was probably all a dream, but there was still the possibility I had really been in Texas before Jasper was changed and that he would remember me.

"Yes," Edward said slowly, "we all are. Are you feeling okay? Maybe the trip to Italy had a greater effect on you than I thought."

"I'm fine," I said, looking around Edward toward his open bedroom door. "Jasper," I whispered, knowing he could hear me if he was in the house.

I started to get up to look for him, but Edward's stone grip kept me in place. "He's downstairs. There's no reason for you to be so frightened. He's with Alice."

"I am _not_ frightened of Jasper," I tried to enunciate clearly. Why was he still touching me? I just wanted to go to Jasper. I _needed_ to see him with my own eyes.

"Bella, I can't hear your thoughts, but I can read Jasper's. Even upstairs, he can tell what you're feeling. You were terrified."

"For the last time, I could never be scared of Jasper. Yes, I was frightened, but it wasn't . . . ugh!" I couldn't find the right words to express myself to Edward, and I was starting to get angry that he was keeping me pinned to the sofa.

"Let me up," I insisted. "If Jasper isn't coming upstairs to me, then I'll go downstairs to him. I need to see him." I hoped my voice left no room for confusion.

"Why the sudden interest in Jasper? I told you, he's with Alice. I promise that she will keep him away from you."

I wasn't sure what Edward meant exactly, but what I heard was Jasper was _with _Alice. She had told me that they weren't mates, but the way he spoke about them seemed to hint otherwise.

Maybe I was just being overly emotional and reading into things I shouldn't, but I couldn't help but worry that if it was real, my trip to the past might have changed things. They may have truly mated.

I briefly thought I might get sick. A familiar hole opened in my chest as I thought of seeing the two of them together. Her hand in his, the same hand that held mine as he put a ring on my finger. His mouth by her ear, whispering in the same slight drawl that promised to love me forever. Her staring into his eyes, the eyes only I had known in their original gray.

I supposed I should have been glad if—in at least some way—Jasper did get a happily ever after, even if he wasn't spared his years with Maria. Even if it wasn't with me.

"Oh," I said quietly, no longer struggling against Edward's hold. It was all I could say. I was afraid if I opened my mouth any more, the wail I might let out would never stop.

"Bella?" It was little more than a pained whisper.

I looked up at the door, seeing no one there.

"Jasper?"

I knew I had heard him, but I couldn't see him. His voice had a smoother quality to it, but it was still Jasper, and I would know that voice anywhere.

"I can feel your sorrow. I'm not sure what caused it or the terror you felt earlier, but I am most likely the cause. I'm so sorry you feel this way, that you would be so frightened of me. I can't tell you how immensely guilty I feel," he said from outside the door.

At first, I couldn't respond to him, I was just so happy to hear his voice, to know he was here in this time with me. For a second, I closed my eyes and remembered when that voice belonged just to me and not to Alice. I stopped when I realized he must be feeling more of my devastation.

"Perhaps I should leave the family for a while—" he continued.

"No!" I shouted. He couldn't leave; I hadn't even seen his face yet.

Just then, I heard Alice's voice. "Jasper, wait. Things aren't as they seem," she said, pushing him into the doorway and into my line of sight.

I gasped at the sight of him. Of course, I had known Jasper as a vampire, but this was the first time I was seeing _my _Jasper as a vampire. His hair was a lighter blond and more perfectly curled as it settled near his shoulders. His face was more angular, and his features were more defined. Sadly, gone were his beautiful gray eyes; they were now the same shade as the rest of the Cullens' eyes. He was a little taller and a little broader, but none of that mattered.

It was Jasper.

Whether he belonged to Alice or not, I couldn't wait to throw my arms around him. I tried to make my way to him, but Edward's hand was still on my shoulder.

"Edward," I snapped. "Let me go!"

"Why?" he asked, looking absolutely bewildered. His gaze shifted between me and Jasper with a look of utter confusion on his face. "I'm sorry, but I'm a little puzzled."

"As am I," Jasper added.

"Love, what are you thinking?" Edward asked while he stared at Jasper instead of looking at me.

I didn't have time to play this "penny for your thoughts" game with Edward right now. I needed to touch Jasper, to feel he was real.

"Jazz, what are you feeling from her?" Alice quietly asked, standing in the corner of the room smiling. She looked like she was nearly vibrating from happiness, but I couldn't focus on why.

"Wonder. Joy. Desire. And more love than I've ever felt from anyone," Jasper said, slightly in awe.

My heart leapt because he could feel what I felt for him. Everything that had happened in 1862, was any of it real?

_Please, feel something for me_, I silently begged.

"Bella," Edward said, shifting from the sofa to kneel in front of me. "I'll never forgive myself for leaving you, but I'm so glad you've forgiven me. I feel exactly the same . . ." He stopped when I didn't even glance his way; I couldn't take my eyes off Jasper.

Edward looked as if someone had slapped him. "What is going on?" he asked as he relaxed his grip slightly.

That was all the leeway I needed to bound off the couch toward Jasper. Edward must have been consumed with reading the minds in the room or with his own confusion, because he didn't attempt to stop me before I could throw myself at Jasper and wrap my arms around his neck.

Running into his body was like trying to hug a brick wall. Jasper had clearly been surprised by my actions. He hadn't tried to break my impact at all, and his arms remained stiffly at his sides. Still, I clung to him and breathed in his scent. It was still the same cedar, leather, and hay smell of my Jasper; it was just a little sweeter, like orange blossoms had been added to the mix.

"Alice?" Edward asked sharply. "You're blocking me. Please, tell me what is going on."

"I told you earlier that when Bella woke up, everything would be different," she replied in a nearly singsong tone.

If Alice really had said that to Edward, then the conversation about her not being Jasper's mate was real. Before I could let my heart sing at that realization, I still had to hope everything that had followed was real.

"Jasper?" I meekly asked, but he still stood unresponsive, giving me my answer.

It was all a dream. None of it was real. Jasper was never mine.

For a moment, I let myself feel the full weight of the heartbreak before feeling embarrassed at how this must look. Not only had I made a fool out of myself, but I had worried everyone, and Jasper probably thought I was crazy.

I needed just one more second in his arms before I was willing to give it all up. I pressed my face into him.

"Goodbye, Jasper," I choked, his chest muffling my words. I hesitantly raised my head and let my lips lightly brush the cool skin of his neck.

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I felt his arms begin to rise slightly. I didn't have the time to focus on Jasper, because in a flash Edward was next to us growling and baring his teeth.

Alice grabbed Edward's arm and pushed him roughly behind her. "No, Edward," she said firmly. "This is the way it is supposed to be."

Not understanding what she must have meant, but tuning out Edward's quiet snarls, I finally allowed myself to look at Jasper's face. His hands were now around my waist, and he was looking at me as if he had never seen me before.

He looked absolutely stunned, and as our eyes met, he gasped.

"Leaves of grass."

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.

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* * *

**Author Note: I hope this chapter answered _some _questions, though I'm sure it also raised several more.**

**I appreciate hearing all of your thoughts, and I always reply to reviews with a preview of the next chapter. **


	21. Chapter 21

**Author Note: Thank you so much as always to McGee42, JointGifts, and Jasper'sDestiny and also to all of you for your patience while I spent a week in the country. I was overwhelmed by the positive response to the previous chapter which yielded over 400 reviews. I clearly remember fist pumping when my first chapter got twenty reviews. I love hearing what you think and how a chapter made you feel. Thank you. I also apologize to those reviewers who did not receive a teaser for this chapter. FanFiction hasn't been allowing review replies, and if you have your private messaging disabled on the site, there is no way for me to contact you.**

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_Previously:_

_Alice grabbed his arm and pushed him behind her. "No, Edward," she said firmly. "This is the way it is supposed to be."_

_Not understanding what she must have meant, but tuning out Edward's quiet snarls, I finally allowed myself to look at Jasper's face. His hands were now around my waist, and he was looking at me as if he had never seen me before. _

_He looked absolutely stunned, and as our eyes met, he gasped._

"_Leaves of grass."_

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**Chapter 21:**

It was real, not a dream. I didn't make it up; I didn't make _him _up.

"You remember," I whispered in amazement, looking into Jasper's eyes. I thought I was going to cry. I had never been as grateful for anything as I was in this moment.

"Yes," he sighed, tightening his grip on my waist slightly. He looked incredulous and as shaken as a vampire could appear. "It's remarkable. I've never been able to remember much about my human life at all—for so long I even avoided thinking about it. Now, it's as if a veil has suddenly lifted. My memories of you are as strong as any that I made as a vampire."

I thought my heart would literally burst from happiness. I hadn't lost Jasper; he was certainly different, but he was still _mine_. Now that I had seen him and heard that he remembered me—us—I needed to feel him. I needed his mouth on mine immediately. I tilted my face up to him and started to stand up on my toes in order to bring my lips closer to his. As he leaned down in kind, we heard a ferocious roar, and Edward lunged toward him.

Quicker than I could see what had happened, I found myself safely behind Jasper, who was crouched and growling at Edward. It was a rude awakening to just how much Jasper had changed since our time in the 1860s.

Hearing my startled gasp and most likely feeling my surprise and brief pang of sadness, he reached and gently squeezed my hip.

Alice was standing in front of Edward with her hands pushing his chest. "Stop," she warned.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked irately. "Jasper, I can read your thoughts, but they aren't making any sense." He looked back and forth between Alice and Jasper. "Have you lost your minds? Bella's only been asleep for a few hours. We could _hear_ her up here. Not once did her breathing or heartbeat falter. There's no way she went anywhere."

Edward started pacing and pulling at his hair. "Alice? Bella? Have you _all_ gone crazy? I, for one, am not crazy. I know what I heard."

"I don't know how it happened or what _it_ even was. I wish there was an easy way to explain it to you. It does seem impossible," Alice said. "I'm just going to have to _show _you."

"The past?" Edward asked, confused.

"No, the future," she said, looking pointedly at Edward before her eyes unfocused. "Bella was always meant to be one of us, just like I told you. However, until we were in Italy, I had never seen who turns her."

"When did you see it?" Edward asked skeptically.

"When she was running across the piazza. I saw her save you, but then I saw the rest of her future as well." She stared blankly at the wall, again allowing Edward to see a vision.

"No. Never," he unexpectedly spat at Jasper.

I knew there were bits of the conversation I was missing between Alice and Edward.

"What did you show him?" Jasper asked her.

"I let him see my vision of you and Bella together—in the future." She paused. "You'll turn her."

Jasper turned slightly, and I saw his brow crease in response. I wasn't sure if he was worried about changing me period or the particular circumstances.

"Lovingly," Alice assured him.

I reached forward to grasp his hand, trying to send him all of the love I had for him.

Edward continued to growl softly.

"Edward," Alice said sadly. "You never would have done it; you know that. It was never your place to, either. You _know _she isn't your mate. If she were, there's no way you could even consider not turning her. There's no way you would be willing to give up an eternity of happiness."

"I. Love. Her. I've only ever tried to protect her. Nothing you've said has explained the memories I saw in Jasper's head," he said, shaking his head profusely and throwing his hands up. "This isn't happening. This is isn't real. Whatever they were, Jasper's thoughts weren't real. You're all delusional," he accused.

"It is real, and it happened, Edward. I don't _know_ how, and I don't know why. In a world where _we_ exist—where vampires, werewolves, and shape-shifters exist—why couldn't time travel?" Alice insisted sympathetically.

"It happened; I saw that it would as soon as Bella came into the house after returning from Italy. They were just brief glimpses of her with Jasper, but a _human_ Jasper. When we were in the piazza, I wasn't sure why I would see Jasper turning Bella, but this explains everything. Fate had plans for the two of them that none of us could have prevented."

"No!" he shouted. "I cannot accept this, and I won't." He turned toward Jasper and snarled, looking every bit like a vampire.

"So help me, Edward, if you growl one more time toward my wi—" Jasper started, but Edward staggered backwards as if Jasper shoved him. The look on his face was as if he were burning, and it broke my heart. Even though I wasn't in love with him anymore, it pained me to see him hurting so badly.

"You . . . you married him?" he asked me softly, pleadingly.

"I obviously didn't plan this, Edward," I said, unsure of how to explain what had happened, not sure if an explanation even existed. "I'm so sorry you're upset. I know this must hurt you and must seem so unexpected."

"But we—" he started.

"_We_ haven't been since my birthday." I didn't know what to say to him. "I love him," I said honestly, again squeezing Jasper's hand.

"Let him feel it," Alice quietly commanded Jasper. "It's the only way he'll start to believe."

Edward drew in a sharp breath, pressing his hand to his chest.

"Whose feelings are those?" he somberly asked Jasper.

"They belong to both of us; we feel exactly the same." Jasper returned the slight pressure to my hand and rubbed his thumb against mine. While his coolness was slightly jarring, I had to try to focus and not become lost in the pleasure of his touch.

"I can't. I just can't. I can't be here right now," Edward said, dejected and shaking his head.

As he fled the room, Alice turned to us. "We'll be gone for a while," she said before following Edward.

We were finally alone, and Jasper took his time in turning to face me. He grabbed my face in his hands, and again, I started to lean up to kiss him. It had been too long.

Not here," he whispered, and before I could blink, we were standing in his room. In the past, the room had been filled with touches of Alice, mainly from shopping bags piled throughout the room or outfits displayed on the bed. As I glanced around, all hints of her were missing from the space. Observing the dark color palette, framed antique maps, and leather furniture, all I could see was Jasper, _my _Jasper.

His hands were again grazing my cheeks. "I don't know how to touch you, how to hold you in this body." He glanced down at his chest.

"You'll figure it out," I said, impatient to have his mouth finally on mine.

"I remember _everything_," he said, his thumbs stroking the sides of my face, leaving cool trails in their wake.

"I've never felt emotions like this—so strong—the way I feel for you, how you feel for me."

Mercifully, he finally lowered his lips to mine and kissed me, at first hesitantly and restrained. As the kiss deepened, I found myself lying on the bed with Jasper hovering above me.

"I'm worried I'll . . ." he started to admit while pulling back.

Then, I felt an assortment of emotions—fear, unworthiness, guilt—that made no sense because of how happy I was.

Jasper must have felt my confusion because he apologized. "I'm sorry; I was projecting."

"Why would you feel that way?" I asked as he rolled over and lay on his back next to me on the bed. I couldn't understand why Jasper wasn't as happy as I was at our reunion.

"I'm just so unworthy of you, of your love. I'm ashamed of how I led my life once I became . . . _this_. That I didn't remember you." He looked tortured. "How could I forget you? You were my everything. What kind of man could forget you?"

My eyes filled with tears. "Doesn't that happen sometimes? Alice doesn't remember being human at all. It might sound odd, but I'm glad you didn't remember me. The idea of you somehow searching for me—when I didn't even exist yet—breaks my heart."

"Do you even know what I've done?" He couldn't even look me in the eye, and my stomach dropped.

"Alice told me your story _before_. None of it matters. I love you." I so desperately needed him to believe me, to be happy that, amazingly, we were together.

"For me, yesterday was the day after we pledged ourselves in the north pasture. We were going to build a life together there, and I wanted that so badly. You were going to build our home, and I was going be able to watch the animals at the stream while I was in the kitchen. Remember?"

He nodded but remained quiet so I could continue. I sat up, cross-legged on the bed, and he quickly mirrored my position.

"I woke up, and I was so blissfully happy because it was the first day our life together, but you weren't there. I thought you were downstairs making breakfast again. My first thought was—" My voice caught in my throat. "—Was to scold you, because you didn't need to do that for me, but then I found your note."

"I shouldn't have—" he started, but I shushed him. It wasn't that I didn't care what he had to say, but I needed to get it all out before I broke down.

"I read it, and I remembered what Alice said about how you were changed. The whole time I was there, I thought I was living in some reality where you didn't become a vampire. It never once occurred to me that I was in one where you weren't a vampire _yet_."

I threw myself at him and wrapped my arms around his neck. Again, I needed to run my fingers over his face and through his hair to convince myself he was real and safe.

I kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear. "I was so scared. I was absolutely terrified."

I sat back, but I took a hold of his hands as he stared at me intently. "I ran to your parents' house, grabbed Sidda, and rode to Houston. Thank God, I found two of your men to escort me to Galveston. I had to stop you or stop Maria. I had to do something."

"Bella!" Jasper looked aghast. "There's no end to the deplorable things that could have happened to you. There was war going on . . . and Maria—I don't even want to think about it."

He quickly went from looking angry to concerned. He ran one of his thumbs over my cheekbones. "Sweetheart, you were so foolish," he said so quietly I barely heard him.

"I _had_ to go. You would have done the same for me, Jasper Whitlock."

"It's not the same—"

"It _is_ the same." I felt like we were both tripping over our words, but there was so much to say. I needed him to understand. "It's _exactly_ the same." My eyes started to sting when I thought of how I felt when I couldn't find him.

"When we were outside of Galveston and you weren't there . . ."

My heart twisted at the recollection. Jasper suddenly gasped, his face in a tortured grimace. He let out a slow breath and then nodded for me to continue while squeezing my hand.

"My whole world ended." I inexplicably laughed. "It truly did end. The world we lived in together was gone, I woke up here, and I was . . . devastated. I had no idea what happened, and I didn't know if it was all a dream or if you would even be here."

We were sitting on the bed holding hands, but that suddenly seemed too far apart. I climbed onto his lap, and he hugged me to him.

"Then I saw you, and I knew you were here. You had made it to 2006. I'm so happy you're here, but I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I didn't get there in time. I tried. I tried so hard." I started to choke. "Jasper, you couldn't help what happened to you with Maria or what she turned you into, but if I—"

"Bella, this is in no way your fault. Even knowing what was going to happen, there's nothing you could have done. You certainly couldn't have challenged Maria. When I think of what could have happened to you, I'm glad you were too late. What I became, who I was, the fact that I was a monster—none of that is your fault."

"I know you aren't that person anymore. You aren't a monster. And it doesn't matter what you are or what you've done, I love you."

"Then after I left Maria? I didn't wait for you." Jasper looked toward the door, and he looked so sad and empty. I could tell he was thinking about Alice, and it broke my heart.

"Alice?" He nodded in response. "I'll be honest, when we first met in 1862, and I began to have feelings for you, I was so hung up on the idea of you and Alice. Even though she told me you weren't really mates, for too long I couldn't get the idea that you somehow belonged to her out of my head. The truth is that you _were _meant for her."

He started to refute me, but I stopped him. "Listen to me. I've thought a lot about this—too much about this. You were meant to come to the Cullens together. You may not be mates, but you are best friends, and I'm so grateful for that. When I think of what Alice did for you, how she was there for you . . . I'm just so happy you weren't alone. I love you, and I love Alice for loving you. She was meant for you; she was meant to bring you back to me."

He smiled as if pacified by my explanation and shifted until we were again lying side by side on the bed. I reached over and touched his face, amazed at its smooth, marble texture and cool temperature. After all that had happened, I felt emotionally spent, and I just wanted to reconnect with him.

He closed his eyes as my hand traveled over his chin and down his neck, but as soon as I went to unbutton one of his buttons, he stopped my hand.

"I'm having a strange feeling of déjà vu," I said, chuckling, remembering our first moment of passion in Millie's entryway when he wouldn't let me undo his shirt.

"I don't have the body you remember," he said.

"I know that, and it doesn't matter to me what you feel like, just that I'm feeling _you_. I'm also probably a lot more breakable and squishier than you remember," I joked.

"It isn't just how hard and cold my skin is. My outside appearance matches how depraved and despicable my insides were during my time with Maria."

He hadn't looked away from me, and I took that as a good sign. I moved closer to him and told him that I would always love him, regardless of his scars.

"You don't have to show me right now. We don't have to do anything more than lie here and talk; I'm just so happy to be with you."

"I love you," he told me, kissing me softly on the lips. I knew he could hear my heartbeat pick up and feel my longing for more, but he didn't deepen the kiss this time. Instead, he pulled away, again looking serious. I didn't know how much more emotional turmoil I could take.

"I know you've been through a lot, and I'm sorry, but I need to say this. You have to know that I would never purposefully hurt you. Maybe, somehow, I've always known who you were to me. At your birthday party, I did lunge for you, but I wasn't trying to _hurt_ you. I was trying to protect you from Edward. I could feel his bloodlust spike, and his control was rapidly weakening. I couldn't let him hurt you."

"Alice told me," I said, running my hand up and down his arm as he drew cold circles on my back. "I think it was your innate need to protect your mate, even if you didn't realize that's who I was at the time."

"My mate." He grinned, showing me that his dimples had survived his transformation. "I like the sound of that. My mate, my wi—"

He stopped himself from saying what I knew was "my wife." I couldn't think of why he wouldn't say it, especially after he had said he felt the same way about me as I felt about him. I tried not to focus on the hurt this worry caused, in the hope that Jasper wouldn't notice it.

"For me, we were together the day before yesterday; for you, it's been over a hundred years. You've lived so much since then."

"Maybe, but I—" A pained look briefly crossed his face again.

I couldn't stand to see him that way, so I tried to keep things light, at least for now.

I snuggled into his chest, content simply to lie with him. After thinking I had lost him forever, I was content just to hear his voice, and there were still so many things to say. "Please, tell me some of your happier memories. I can't imagine what it must be like to have seen so much."

"Maybe someday you will." He smiled. "You've had quite the adventure yourself, though."

"Tomorrow will be for me; tonight is for you. Having lived through so much, what was the most amazing thing?"

He sighed as I snuggled further into his arms. "I couldn't say it was just once instance—one event in history or one innovation. The amount of information available and its accessibility is remarkable. It seems like anyone can learn anything today." He shifted to look at me.

"When you gave me a copy of _Leaves of Grass_, I couldn't believe you were giving me something as precious as a book. I know it wasn't easy to find at the time, and not just because of the content, but because books were scarce. Now, anyone could find it at the library. Books are nearly everywhere. Hell, one can find the entire Whitman collection on the Internet."

"I had never thought of that," I replied.

As Jasper humored me with memories of his times with Peter and Charlotte and some of the early years with the Cullens—making sure to omit too many references to Edward or details of his relationship with Alice—I began to worry more about why he wouldn't call me his wife earlier. Maybe Jasper had seen and done too much in our time apart. I was just the same simple girl who fell in love with him.

My eyes started to close as he softly said, "Thank you for trying to save me."

"I'll always try to save you," I whispered.

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.

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**Author Note: I always love hearing your thoughts and guesses for the future. I always reply (when FFn allows it) to reviews with a teaser for the next chapter. You can also find additional teasers on the "Leaves of Grass" forum thread; the link is in my profile.**

**You should also check out the entries for the Strictly Charlie Contest as well as vote for your favorites. My dear beta McGee42 is one of the judges, and yours truly has entered a submission dedicated to our favorite chief. You can run a Google search for Strictly Charlie or search in FFn for Strictly Charlie as the author.  
**


	22. Chapter 22

_Previously: _

_As Jasper humored me with memories of his times with Peter and Charlotte and some of the early years with the Cullens—making sure to omit too many references to Edward or details of his relationship with Alice—I began to worry more about why he wouldn't call me his wife earlier. Maybe Jasper had seen and done too much in our time apart. I was just the same simple girl who fell in love with him. _

_My eyes started to close as he softly said, "Thank you for trying to save me."_

"_I'll always try to save you," I whispered. _

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**Chapter 22:**

I felt a slight chill as I woke up, and when I opened my eyes, I saw it was because Jasper was lying right next to me. He was propped up on his elbow staring at me, smiling. He bent over and kissed me softly.

"Good morning."

"Umm," I replied, slowly stretching before wrapping my arm around him and pulling my body in direct contact with his. It was a delicious feeling being so close to him, and I had to try to remember what I had wanted to say. "Again with the déjà vu; I can't believe you're here, that we're together. And I can't believe you were watching me sleep." I giggled.

"I'll admit, when Ed—" he stopped.

"It's okay to say his name," I assured him. Just because I no longer wanted to be with Edward romantically, didn't mean he was a topic to avoid, and I certainly didn't want him to cause any awkwardness between us. We had been through too much to have to dance around subjects.

"When Edward told us he used to watch you sleep, I thought it sounded terribly boring. However, nothing could be further from the truth. I loved watching you sleep in 1862, and I find it even more fascinating now. It's so beautifully peaceful. I've never felt closer to my previous humanity than I did next to you last night," he said, skimming his nose up and down the side of my face.

"Mmmhmm . . ."

"The best part was when you sighed my name in your sleep. Even while you were unconscious, I could feel the love radiating from you. I don't know how I got to be so lucky," he said as he discovered my earlobe with his mouth.

"I don't know how _I _got to be so lucky," I added, capturing his lips with mine for a slow, lingering kiss.

"Last night was also particularly nice when your feelings drifted toward . . . the amorous," Jasper murmured as he kissed down my neck.

Oh, no.

As soon as he got a read on my feelings, he suddenly stopped his explorations.

"Why are you embarrassed? Those feelings are nothing to be ashamed of, and I promise you, I return them whole-heartedly," he said. "Also, it isn't like we haven't already been down that path."

"I'm not embarrassed about my desire for you. Of course not. I just don't want to make you uncomfortable," I said sheepishly.

"Uncomfortable? I've been feeling other people's lust for decades; it's nice to have it directed at me, especially when it comes from someone as lovely as you," he said, returning his attention to my neck.

"I meant uncomfortable because we can't be together like that," I said quietly, sitting up slightly.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean."

I hated to spell this out for him.

"Edward told me that being together—being intimate—was impossible between a vampire and human," I explained, suddenly choked up. "I'm sorry I'm so fragile compared to you now."

"Bella, Bella," Jasper whispered, "Edward was . . . I don't know . . . confused by his Victorian morals, afraid of his own desires, overly protective of you. Whatever it was, he was wrong. Don't think that I don't want to keep you safe, but denying what we both want isn't the way to do it. We may have to work up to it, but, sweetheart, I promise we'll get there."

As he pressed his body into mine, I could feel exactly how much he wanted to get there, and I responded in kind. I was extremely glad sex was still a possibility between us. However, before we could get too carried away, I wondered if Edward and Alice had returned. I didn't necessarily want to start working up to anything within the range of supernatural ears.

"Is everyone home?" I tentatively asked.

"No. Alice sent a text message a few hours ago to say that everyone is hunting together and trying to talk through the situation as a family. Carlisle is apparently considering seeking out Eleazar to ask him if he has ever heard of something as odd as time travel."

"So they believe it really happened?"

"With Alice to corroborate, of course they do. Like she said, why wouldn't it be possible in our world?"

"You're right," I said, snuggling into him, wanting to forget about the rest of the family for just a little while longer.

"What was it like to time travel?" he asked.

"I don't even know if I could put it into words. When I woke up in Millie's parlor, I thought Edward had moved me to a different part of the house, but when Millie came sweeping in, I was convinced I was dreaming."

"You woke up in Millie's house? How did you get there?" he asked, leaning back.

"I have no idea. I fell asleep in Edward's room and woke up on her sofa."

"I can remember Millie telling us she met you on a street in Houston and invited you to stay with her. When did that happen?"

I sat up in the bed and scooted until my back was against the headboard. "It apparently happened before I woke up there. When I came to, there was an entire backstory in place. I can't tell you how grateful I was for that. There's no way I could have concocted a reasonable explanation for what I was doing in Texas."

"Fascinating," Jasper said, looking up at me. "So, it was as if you were already there physically, but your consciousness traveled through time."

"I guess. I mean, I was me. I looked like me in the mirror. I had all of my memories from the future, well—the present. I even had the scar on my wrist from James. I know it was me physically. I assume I look the same to you as I did then."

"Yes. There goes the theory that you took over the being of someone else when you went back. Do you have ancestors from Little Rock? Maybe you were reincarnated, and last night you simply remembered your past life."

I scrunched my nose at him. "I don't think so. Again, I'm pretty sure it was me."

"Vampires are plausible, but reincarnation is too much?" He laughed and sat up to kiss my nose.

"It doesn't matter to me what it was or how it happened," I said.

"It doesn't matter to me either." He smiled.

"I don't suppose we'll ever know for sure the mechanics of it, but I would like to think that it had a lot to do with fate—with us fated to be together. Maybe we were supposed to be together just as we are now, but the only way to ensure it was for me to go to the past. Or, perhaps I was meant to be from your time or you from mine, but something messed things up. The universe was just fixing a mistake."

"I like that idea, too." He lay back down on the bed. "What was it like meeting me in 1862?"

"Oh, my stars! What an honor it was to meet the great and handsome Major Jasper Whitlock." I put on my best Southern accent while batting my eyelashes.

"That's not what I meant," he jokingly deadpanned with his lips pursed.

"I know," I said, chuckling and rejoining him in lying down. "When I first saw you, I was sure I was dreaming. It was absolutely surreal. You were so beautiful, and you still looked like you, but you were . . . human."

The corners of his mouth turned up. "Beautiful, huh?"

"Very, especially your eyes."

"My eyes? What color were they?"

At first I was shocked he didn't remember, but I wasn't sure how much he would have been looking in a mirror during my time in 1862, and all of the pictures of him from that time would have been in sepia.

"Gray."

"Hmm, not as nice as brown," he said brushing his thumb over one of my eyebrows, "but I like gray."

"After we met, I spent so much time thinking about how I shouldn't let myself get too close to you because of Alice and Edward and because I could suddenly disappeared from your life. I'm so glad I finally got over it."

"Me, too. In all of the talking we did last night, we didn't get a chance to talk about what we are now." Jasper changed the subject, looking uncomfortable. "The term mate certainly came up, but to you, we were just married."

I couldn't stop a flood of embarrassment from washing over me, with honestly, just a little bit of hurt.

"You don't have to feel obligated to keep a promise you made to me over a hundred years ago, especially one you probably don't remember that well."

Jasper stopped me from continuing with a kiss. "I told you that I remember every moment with you like it was yesterday for me, too. Furthermore, I assure you, there is nothing I want more than to be married to you."

Hearing him say that lifted a huge weight from my shoulders, but I still couldn't understand why Jasper wouldn't call me his wife last night.

Feeling my emotions, he continued. "I was worried now that you're back to a modern time—especially one where you have yet to graduate from high school—you might not want the same thing."

Even though he could feel everything I felt for him, I could see his hesitation.

"All I want is you," I told him. "I'm not sure what to do about Charlie or school, particularly because you're supposed to be away at college, but all I want is to be together—forever."

I looked down at my left hand, and even though I hadn't had my grass ring for very long, I acutely felt its absence. I longed for a physical sign that declared my relationship with Jasper. As his nose again brushed my neck, I could think of at least one more place I would like to wear Jasper's mark.

"Forever is something I would love to have with you."

I wasn't sure if Jasper's "forever" meant the same as mine. The immortality issue had always been such a sticking point with Edward, and I hoped it wouldn't be with Jasper. Now that we were together, I couldn't be without him. After being apart for over a century, I never wanted him to be without me, either.

"When we say 'forever,' that's exactly what I mean," I explained. "Though, I don't want you to think just because I wanted Edward to change me, and now I want the same thing with you, the only thing I'm after is immortality." I was probably overthinking this, but I wanted to make sure we had complete transparency.

"I would never—could never think that about you."

I hoped he could feel my sincerity. "I promise I came to try to stop Maria from taking you. I would have been more than happy to have just one human lifetime with you."

I looked into his eyes. "Regardless of whatever else I might be, I just want to spend the rest of my days as Mrs. Jasper Whitlock."

Suddenly, Jasper's lips crashed into mine with a startling passion. His mouth was cool as it worked against mine, and I felt intoxicated by his icy breath. Even though breathing was unnecessary for Jasper, we were panting nearly in harmony.

Every time I went for the buttons at the top of Jasper's shirt, he would stop me, either by refocusing my hands or distracting me with his own. All I wanted to do was feel more of his skin on me. Now that he was positioned on top of me, I decided to change my tactics.

I hooked one of my legs over the back of his knee, indicating that I wanted him to come closer. I longed to have his full weight on me, but I knew Jasper would be worried about crushing me.

As we continued to kiss, I ran my hands up both of his jean-clad hips. I was trying my hardest not to grab his ass, not only because I was worried that I would grab it and pull his body exactly where I wanted him to be, but I would never let go.

I did allow my hands to roam to the back of his waistband, where his shirt had come untucked. Hoping he would allow me touch him there, I carefully slipped my hands inside the back of his shirt and pressed them against his cold skin.

Jasper hissed at the contact, and the look of sheer pleasure on his face nearly made me come undone.

His mouth was suddenly back on mine and ferocious. I knew every move Jasper made was calculated and careful in terms of keeping his teeth away from me, but I relished the passion he used in drawing my bottom lip into his mouth.

I moaned softly and started to rake my nails up his back. The sexiness of him hissing was nothing compared to the sound of his growl against my neck. I couldn't keep myself from thrusting up to meet him.

When I finally hit my target, Jasper went completely still. As Jasper started to pull away from me, I couldn't stop the feeling of rejection from washing over me.

"Darlin', no. It's not like that," he said, trying to find my eyes.

I couldn't look at him. Again, I found myself in this position. Was I kidding myself by thinking a vampire could find me desirable?

"Oh, God, it's not like that."

He gently pulled my chin so that we were face to face, but with tears in my eyes, I avoided looking at him.

"I want you. Believe me. Isabella Swan—Isabella _Whitlock_, I want you."

He briefly rocked his hips into mine, perfectly illustrating his statement. Then he groaned and in a flash was lying next to me on his back. He ran his sculpted hands over his face and through his hair.

"I'm sorry you felt that way," he said, seemingly at a loss for more words.

"I know. In the moment, I just didn't know what to think, and I assumed the worse."

I was embarrassed that I even made the mental comparison between Edward's actions and Jasper's.

"You never have to be unsure of my feelings. If it helps, I can always project my emotions while we're being intimate," he said, smirking and rolling to face me again.

I wasn't sure I could handle feeling anything more than my own lust for him.

"I know you're sure you still want to be with me, but I don't want to rush you into anything, and I need to be sure I can control my strength. This will be a first for me, as well. So, we'll just have to take things slowly."

"I hope not too slowly," I said, capturing his lips in another sweet kiss.

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**Author note: Thank you for reading and for your patience while I was on vacation. We're now back to the regular posting schedule. I love hearing what you thought, and I reply to all reviews with a teaser for the next chapter. Fanfiction has been acting up in terms of allowing review replies, so if you aren't signed in or your profile doesn't allow PMs, you can't receive the teaser.**

**I just started reading new story that may interest you Jasper-lovers, "Unheard" by Augustmoon99, which was recommended by HammerHips on the Wordy Bitches blog this week. Check it out. **


	23. Chapter 23

**Author Note: SM owns all recognizable characters. Thank you so much to my behind-the-scenes dream team: McGee42, Jointgifts, and JaspersDestiny.**

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_Previously:_

_"I know you're sure you still want to be with me, but I don't want to rush you into anything, and I need to be sure I can control my strength. This will be a first for me, as well. So, we'll just have to take things slowly."_

_"I hope not too slowly," I said, capturing his lips in another sweet kiss._

* * *

**Chapter 23:**

After spending much of the day in our own little bubble, I knew it was time to return to reality. I hadn't given a single thought to Charlie when I woke up back in 2006, and when I did finally think of him, I panicked. Where did he think I had been? Then, Jasper reminded me that, to everyone here, I had left for Italy less than four days ago. Right after we had gone to Harry's funeral, Charlie had left on a weeklong trip with Billy to tend to Harry's ashes, so he wasn't even aware I had left at all.

Just thinking of Charlie caused a pang in my chest. For me, I hadn't seen him in nearly three months. I had really missed him while I was in 1862, and I felt terrible about how distant I had been toward him after Edward had left. Suddenly, I couldn't wait to see Charlie or call my mom. The night before, I had been so overwhelmed by my feelings for Jasper, I had forgotten to be excited about seeing Alice, too. I had so much to tell her.

Jasper drove me home in Carlisle's Mercedes, as it was one of the only cars they currently had in Forks. I found it difficult to be separated from him by just the center console, and I was worried about what would happen when he had to hunt or I needed to be with Charlie, but I didn't want to think about that more than necessary.

"I'm so excited for you to meet Charlie." I sighed as he put the car in park. "I know he'll love you, and I never thought you would get this chance."

"Well, I won't be meeting him today," he said, looking at me.

"Oh, right. In 2006, you've probably already been introduced." I was having a hard time keeping my timelines and facts straight.

"No. I mean, yes, we've been introduced in passing, but I meant it probably isn't a good idea for Charlie to see me today."

I frowned. I wasn't following.

"Don't get me wrong; I want to meet your father. He doesn't even know my family is back in town, though, and I'm supposed to be away at college. As much as I hate it, we'll have to take it slow in going public about our relationship."

Jasper's phone vibrated, and my heart clenched when thinking about being away from him. He looked up at me and kissed me on the forehead.

"It will just be for a short while and only while other people are around. When we're alone, we can spend every minute together."

"You promise?" I asked.

"I insist," he replied before kissing me softly on the lips. "That was Alice. She said your dad will be home in a few minutes."

"I don't want you to go," I said, clutching his hand.

"I won't be far, and I'll be back tonight, if it's okay with you."

Instead of answering him, I tried to focus on the anticipation and happiness his words made me feel.

"Mmm. You're a quick study on that." He leaned over and kissed me behind my ear. "I have to go, but I love you. I'll be back before you know it. Maybe you should let your dad know we're back in town. Tell him Esme missed small-town life or something," he said, skimming his nose against my neck and inhaling my scent.

I turned my face to look in his eyes. "I love you, and I'm so glad—for everything." I kissed him and quickly got out of the car before I lost the ability to leave. I didn't turn to watch the black car pull away as I unlocked the front door.

As soon as I stepped inside, a bevy of different emotions assaulted me. _Home_. I was home. I hung up my jacket and kicked off my shoes by the door before tiptoeing down the hall. I wasn't sure why I felt the need to tread carefully, but something about the moment felt monumental. I ran my hand along the wall as I walked into the kitchen.

It was so weird to see a refrigerator again and a coffeemaker with coffee—real coffee. Coffee that didn't come from the black market. I fought the urge to open up each of the cabinets to reacquaint myself with their contents, but I did graze my hand across each surface.

I opened the fridge, not because I was hungry but to remind myself I could just open a door and have milk, eggs, butter, or leftover pizza. I opened the freezer and touched my finger to an ice cube sitting in the tray. I felt silly, but it was _ice_! I couldn't help but giggle over how easy everything was here.

I made my way to the pantry and opened up a container of sugar, dipping my finger in and putting it in my mouth. _Oh, sweet heaven._ After living with the blockades for months, I needed to make Charlie something incredibly sweet and rich.

Just as I was thinking about all of the exotic things I could make for dinner without questions about their origins, I heard the front door start to open. My heart sped up, and I was so happy, I couldn't believe it. _It was my dad_.

Charlie had barely gotten through the door before I ran and wrapped my arms around him.

"I'm _so_ glad to see you."

He slowly patted me on the back as if he didn't know what to do with his hands. Once he realized I wasn't going to let go, he hugged me back.

"Is everything okay, kiddo?"

"Yeah," I said, stepping out of his embrace. "Everything's great. I just missed you."

"Well, maybe I should go away more often," he said, smiling while hanging up his coat. "I'm sorry I didn't get to talk to you all week. There was absolutely no reception up at the lake. If you were anyone else's kid, I would have been worried about you being home alone for so long."

"I promise I didn't get into too much trouble," I replied.

I followed him into the living room, fighting the urge to hold his hand on the short walk in there. I couldn't believe my reaction to seeing him. For most of my life, I saw him only a few weeks a year, but after not knowing if I would ever see him again, I was so grateful to be with him, to have moved to Forks in the first place.

He sat down in his recliner, and I faced him on the sofa.

"How did it go with Billy and, uh, Harry?" I asked, unsure of the right words were for asking about someone's ashes.

"It was okay," he awkwardly replied, clearly not wanting to elaborate. "I hope you don't mind, I just want to check the score," he said, turning on the television.

I looked at it nearly in wonder. How did Jasper ever cope with the advances of technology over such a long period of time? How foreign and fantastical things like this must have been at first. I had to admit, after being used to living in house without electronics, the noise of the television was a bit grating, but Charlie quickly put it on mute.

"I've missed that," he said, setting down the remote.

"Missed what?" I asked as I returned my focus to him.

"Your smile. I haven't seen you smile in a long time, Bells." He almost looked misty-eyed while saying it, and I wasn't sure if my heart could handle that. I felt terrible about what I had put Charlie through since September.

"I'm so sorry, Dad. There's so much I wish I could tell you, but I'm . . . I'm better now."

"You look better, and I'm real glad."

"I should let you know, the Cullens are back in town." I swallowed.

"Oh." His face fell. Maybe it was too soon to have told him. "Is that . . . uh . . . what's made things better?"

"Yes, but—" Suddenly, Charlie stood up and pointed at me.

"Damn it, Bella. You can't just let that boy waltz back into your life."

"Dad!"

"No, I mean it. I can't really stop you from seeing him, but he is not allowed to set one foot in my house. You can do better," he said angrily.

I definitely needed to choose my words wisely. "That's not how it is. Edward and I are not back together, and we never will be. I would hope maybe—one day—we might be able to be friends, but I don't exactly think that will happen any time soon."

"Oh," Charlie muttered, looking contrite and returning to his seat.

I started fiddling with the end of my sleeve. "The thing is, um, even if Edward and I aren't together, I still want a relationship with his siblings. They're my friends, and now that his family is back, they will have a place in my life." I tried to sound assertive, but I didn't think it was working.

"You're eighteen now, and I need to let you make your own decisions, but do you think this is the best idea? I don't recall any of those _friends_ calling or writing to you since September."

To some extent, Charlie had a point. "I know, but it was because Edward asked them not to contact me. He thought a clean break would be best, and in his own way, he thought he was acting in my best interest."

"Hmm," he grumbled. "Just be careful. Someday, you're going to meet a boy who acts _with _you, not _for _you." Our conversation was clearly over, because Charlie unmuted the television.

"Uh, thanks, Dad."

He waved his hand at me. "That's what I'm here for, sweetheart: looking good and dispensing advice."

I got up from the couch chuckling and walked back into the kitchen to think about what to make for dinner. I stood there with my hands in my back pockets trying to think of what I had missed eating the most during my time in the past. All of sudden, it struck me as funny that I even _had _back pockets. It had been months since I had worn pants, and the sensation of them tight on my legs nearly felt risqué. After so long in skirts and dresses, jeans were also undeniably _casual_. I couldn't believe I'd even considered preferring dresses to pants, and I dreaded Alice ever finding out, or she would fill my closet with dresses.

Thinking about the oddity of pants reminded me that, in 2006, I had been in the same outfit for days without bathing. Gross. Dinner would have to wait—or I had an even better idea.

On my way upstairs, I poked my head into the living room. "Dad, would you mind too much if we just got pizza for dinner?"

"No. Sounds great," he said without glancing my way. "Order whatever you want."

"Thanks," I yelled while running up the stairs. I couldn't wait to take a shower. A delicious, hot shower. There was no tub to haul anywhere, and I wouldn't even have to heat the water on the stove.

~*LoG*~

When I came upstairs after dinner, there was a rap at my window, and I jumped up startled but calmed once I saw it was just Jasper. I hurried over to let him in, and I was shocked by the smile on his face. He looked downright giddy. I had seen him happy many times as a human, but as a vampire, I didn't think I had ever seen a smile light up his face. I had always thought it was odd that he would look so sullen next to Alice with her almost perpetual cheer. It was as if his face had forgotten what happiness felt like. It made me smile, even though it was somewhat difficult to reconcile my memories of human Jasper with my former memories of Jasper as a vampire.

"What has you feeling so elated?" he asked as he gracefully slid through the window.

"You," I said, wrapping my arms around him. "You look so . . ."

"Happy, enamored, awestruck," he said before kissing me softly on the lips. "I thought it was wonderful to feel some of my humanity around you, but that was nothing compared to this."

"What would _this_ be?" I asked breathily.

"Well, here I am sneaking into your house while your father is left unawares. I actually feel _adolescent_." He flashed his dimples. "Was my timing okay? I know your dad is still awake."

"It's fine. I missed you."

"I missed you, too," he said, tightening his grip and slowly kissing each of my cheeks.

I loved how carefree he looked. We had only been apart for a few hours, but it had been much too long. We were going to need to come up with a reason for Jasper to be home from college, because I wouldn't be able to stand only seeing him late at night.

Outside, a car door slammed, and Jasper stiffened, his nostrils slightly flaring as the doorbell rang.

"Charlie'll get it," I said, displeased by the interruption. I leaned forward to kiss him again, but he kept me at arm's length.

"Should anything happen, I'll be right here the whole time," he said lowly.

Happen? What did that mean?

"Hey, Bells, you've got a visitor."

I looked at Jasper quizzically, but he told me, "I'll be right here," and pushed me toward the door. That wasn't much of a help.

As soon as I got halfway down the stairs, I could see Jake's visibly angry form at the door. Had Charlie not been standing in front of him, I just would have turned around and gone back to my room. I didn't want to deal with this right now. I knew I was returning to the real world, but discussing how Jake and I left things when I ran to Italy was a little too _real _at the moment.

I took the final steps slowly, and Jake looked like he was ready to explode. His forearms were shaking, and his fists were clenched.

"Don't make it too late, kids; it is a school night," Charlie warned before turning to head back into the living room.

Wait. What? "School?" The idea of going back to school hadn't even crossed my mind.

"Yeah, sometimes you do that on Fridays." He chuckled before going to reclaim his place on the recliner.

I numbly walked by Jacob into the kitchen, ignoring his fury. I knew I had been gone for a few days, and Charlie had been out of cell range while with Billy. Where did the school think I was all week? There was no way I could go back to class tomorrow. I needed at least the weekend to process everything.

Jake stopped my progression by roughly grabbing my shoulder. "We need to talk," he practically growled.

"Ow," I said, shaking his hand off and turning to face him. I heard a groan of wood upstairs. "I'm okay," I whispered, knowing Jasper could hear me. I didn't know what he'd done to make that sound, but I'm glad Charlie didn't hear it over the television.

"What is it, Jake?"

"Your whole house reeks of leech. Don't think I don't know there's one upstairs right now."

"I don't really think that's any of your business." How dare he come into my house and start pointing fingers at me!

"It _is_ my business. Your safety is my business. I know it isn't the black-haired one." He seethed.

"Alice."

"I don't care what their names are," he said a little louder before unexpectedly collapsing in a chair and hanging his head. He looked like he was barely awake, and I began to feel a little groggy myself.

It was the first time Jasper had purposefully affected me with his gift since I had returned. "I'm fine. I promise," I whispered to Jasper as I sat down. I knew Jacob heard me as well, but he didn't say anything.

After a moment, Jake's head perked up, and he blinked and rubbed his eyes. "I'm sorry. These patrols are taking their toll," he said, unaware he had actually been under Jasper's influence. He shook his head and returned his focus to me.

"Is _he_ up there? Does he know how he hurt you?" Jacob didn't give me a chance to answer. "How could you just take him back?" He stood up and went to stand by the sink, looking out the window. "He's not good for you, Bella."

"I know." He quickly turned to look at me with a look of hope that squeezed my heart. "I'm not with Edward anymore, and I won't be again. You're right. He wasn't good for me, and I wasn't what he needed, either."

"What he really needs—" I stopped him.

"Jake, let's just leave it at that."

He grinned. "So, when are they leaving?" he asked, pointedly addressing the ceiling in the direction of my room.

"They aren't. I may not be dating Edward, but I'm still going to be close to his family." I hated to keep my relationship with Jasper a secret, but it was a necessity right now.

"Family?" he spat.

"Yes. His family. They've become like my family, too." I knew I was treading on dangerously thin ice at this point.

His face darkened. "Charlie's your family. Reneé's your family. The Cullens are nothing. They aren't even alive." His words were harsh, but I could see his pain.

I just stared at him, my mouth in a line. I refused to explain myself or defend my feelings. I raised my eyebrow at him and gestured toward the front door. If he didn't like how I was going to live my life, he could just leave. I wanted nothing more than to get back to Jasper.

He exhaled, and it was as if all of the fight left him. For a moment, I saw _my _Jacob, the sweet, innocent boy he was before the shape-shifting. I had to fight the urge to hug him; he looked so vulnerable and defeated.

"Jake—" I started.

"I see you've made your choice," he said evenly, and his face hardened. "Just know this means you and I are finished. If Charlie ever wants you to come with him to the rez, you'll have to make an excuse because you're no longer welcome in La Push." He strode toward the door and opened it.

I wanted to stop him. I wanted to tell him he would get over this, but the look on his face told me he wouldn't. I wondered if Sam had ordered him here to say these things to me. He must have. Before I could ask him, Jacob turned around. All of the softness was gone, and his eyes looked lifeless.

"Isabella Swan, as of today, you are as dead to me as they are," he whispered with no emotion and shut the door.

I stood there unmoving with my hand on the doorframe. Things weren't supposed to happen like this. I knew my relationship with the Cullens would unfortunately hurt Jake, but I never thought he would keep me away from La Push or declare me essentially dead.

"Night," Charlie said a couple minutes later, brushing passed me and walking up the stairs. I hadn't even heard him get up or turn off the television.

"Night," I said a couple moments too late before heading up the stairs myself.

I slowly opened my door, and Jasper immediately rushed toward me and enveloped me in his arms.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, softly rubbing my back.

"Why? _You_ have nothing to be sorry about," I said, pulling back to look at him.

He quickly had us sitting on my bed. "Even though he's a part of the pack, I'm sorry you lost a friend because of me, because of my family. I could feel how much he meant to you and how much his words hurt you."

I sighed. "I realize vampires are supposed to be his natural enemies, but he knows you're different. Maybe he'll eventually get over it, or maybe he wasn't the friend I thought he was." I was still upset with Jacob for trying to make demands of me, and I didn't want to waste my time with Jasper talking about him.

Jasper looked doubtful. "We'll see how you feel when you aren't so angry." He brushed my hair behind my ear, and I enjoyed the brief sensation of his touch.

"Regardless of what was said, thank you for letting me talk to him," I said.

He looked at me a little incredulously. "Had he indicated he wasn't in control of himself, or if he was a danger to you in any way, I would have been there immediately. Bella, I don't _let _you do anything, though. I have no desire to control who you are or who you see. I'm certainly not crazy about how the shape-shifter smells or the threat he could pose to you, but I have to trust your judgment."

Things with Jasper were so different than they were with Edward. I hugged him in my gratefulness. I knew, when he was human, Jasper had let me make my own decisions, but I didn't know how that would change with Jasper as a vampire. There were so many things Edward had done or tried to control that I had thought were because of _what_ he was, but I realized it was more about _who_ he was.

We sat in silence for a few minutes just holding each other. Jasper seemed to know that was just what I needed. Without pulling away, he quietly said, "I would like to talk about your room."

It was such an odd request, I couldn't help but laugh. I released him and glanced around my room. It was much smaller and plainer than I would imagine even a closet would be in the Cullen home, but I couldn't think of what he might want to discuss. I smiled, thinking that maybe he wanted me to get a bigger bed. I would definitely accept that gift from him.

"What about my room exactly?" I asked him, hearing Charlie's snore.

"Is it even yours?"

What kind of a silly question was that? "Of course it's mine. There are only two bedrooms in the house, and this one doesn't exactly scream Charlie," I joked.

"It doesn't scream anyone. It doesn't say anything." He looked so forlorn, but I couldn't imagine why. Maybe he had spent too many years with Alice.

"Is this your way of asking if you can redecorate?" I asked, taking his hand.

"No." He briefly smiled. "There's nothing here to indicate this is _Bella's_ room. It doesn't look like anyone lives here. There are no pictures, no posters, no music, and most of your books looked packed away."

We were going to go down this path. "Well, since September, I lost so much of myself that no one did live in this room. When all of you left, I stopped living, and I just _existed_." The pain I had felt when I found out everyone had left—not just Edward—rushed to the surface.

"Oh." Jasper winced, and I realized I had unwittingly subjected him to my feelings.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I'm sorry, too. I knew it was too good to be true."

_What? _I didn't know if traveling through time had affected my reasoning skills, but I had felt almost permanently confused since waking up in 2006. I couldn't figure out what Jasper was talking about, and he didn't elaborate even after sensing my confusion.

"What is too good to be true?" The look on his face had me worried. "I love you. My room, Jake—these don't matter."

He let out a breath. "I love you, too. You know I do," he said, letting me feel it, "but if you feel that hurt about him leaving . . . maybe you should be with Edward."

I gasped as if he had slapped me across the face. I didn't know whether to be angry that he would think I could ever still have feelings for Edward or sad that he questioned my feelings for him. I hated that our path seemed so full of landmines since being in the present. For such amazing creatures, vampires were certainly a self-doubting lot.

"Jasper Whitlock, listen to me," I stated, staring at him. "I said, 'when all of you left,' not just Edward. The whole family. _You._ He left, and I was angry—crushed—but I couldn't understand why everyone else would leave me too. The pain I felt without him was compounded by the loss of who I considered family." He was perfectly still as I explained.

"Those were the emotions you just felt. I've had plenty of time to think about Edward's actions and how they made me feel. I've not put nearly the same amount of effort into dealing with how the rest of the family made me feel, but I'm not going to dwell on it tonight." I paused. "I thought vampires had perfect recall."

"We do," he said, his face not giving anything away.

"Then you shouldn't have to try to remember my emotions when I told you how it felt when I lost you outside of Galveston. I didn't know what pain was until I thought you were gone forever. Nothing I have _ever _felt could compare to that, and I will do anything—give up anything—to never feel that way again, to never be without you again."

He sighed and started to relax. "Don't doubt this, Jasper. Don't doubt _us_." I leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips.

"I'm sorry," he murmured against my mouth.

"No more apologies."

I took his bottom lip into my mouth and ran my hands up his arms as he pulled me closer to him on the bed. When I was flush against him, he gently pushed me to lay down on the bed before climbing over me.

"Slowly," he whispered into my hair, and then his mouth again found mine. I was so glad all of the doubt was gone from his voice. This was a much better way to finish our day.

As our kisses started to heat up, Jasper's phone buzzed. "Ignore it," I told him.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, trailing kisses down my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. After all of the tension and fluctuating emotions of the day, we needed this. I needed him.

As Jasper pushed some of his weight on me, I moaned and started to ask him, "Do we need any protect—"

Things had just started to go well, but suddenly, I thought I was going to be sick. "How could I be so stupid?"

Jasper sat back, concerned. "What's wrong?"

"I slept with you!" I practically shouted, not at all careful about Charlie sleeping in the next room. "Ugh, of all the stupid things . . ."

"Darlin', you're not exactly stroking my ego here." He looked a little perplexed but continued to unbutton my shirt until I stopped him with my hands.

"No. Oh, Jasper." I was worried he would be disappointed in me. What would we do? "I was so wrapped up in how happy I was to see you and how much I wanted you in that moment. I mean, I briefly thought of the time of month, but . . ."

"But what?"

I didn't want to have to say it; I just wanted him to understand. "We didn't _use _anything," I said quietly, frightened of the implications.

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**Author note: I love hearing your thoughts, and I reply to all reviews with a teaser for the next chapter. Fanfiction has changed how they allow review replies, so if you aren't signed in or your profile doesn't allow PMs, you can't receive the teaser.**


	24. Chapter 24

_Previously:_

"_I was so wrapped up in how happy I was to see you and how much I wanted you in that moment. I mean, I briefly thought of when it was in the month, but . . ."_

"_But what?" _

_I didn't want to have to say it; I just wanted him to understand. "We didn't use anything," I said quietly. _

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**Chapter 24**

"I never thought I would be one of those girls. I'm not the 'throw caution to the wind' type."

"Oh," was all he said, but then he started to chuckle.

I threw my hands over my face, muffling my voice. "I'm not sure what's funny about this."

"Nothing's funny about this," he said, gently prying my hands away. "However, you are the epitome of _throw caution to the wind_."

I groaned and tried to cover my face again, but he wouldn't release my hands, so I settled for closing my eyes.

"Befriends vampires and shape-shifters—check. Enters into a relationship with a vampire who admits he constantly wants to drain her—check. Jumps off cliffs—check. Rushes off to Italy to save said vampire, knowing the potential dangers—check. Falls in love with a devastatingly handsome man from the past, not knowing how long she'll be in his time—check. Attempts to save him from the clutches of evil she-vampires—check."

He kissed my nose, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "I would say caution has been most thoroughly _thrown_."

My eyes popped open and then narrowed. "Jasper, what would we _do_?"

"What anyone else would do. Whatever happens, we'll deal with it." His words were soothing, but I could feel him projecting his panic, and it didn't help how I was feeling.

"'Deal with it?' You're a vampire! How could that possibly work? It would be ridiculous!" I was going to be sick. The idea of a little Jasper in 1863—or more like 1868, or even better, 1873—was heartwarming, but in 2006? I couldn't fathom the idea.

"Wouldn't my scent change? Can't you just smell me and tell?" I asked, sitting up.

"No, not this early. It's only been a few days." His smile was starting to fade.

I fell back against the bed. "This is so—" I was cut off by his phone buzzing again, and this time he looked at it. His smile quickly returned.

"What is it?"

"Alice. She sent me a text that says, 'Honestly, you should really read my text messages.'" It buzzed again, and he chuckled. "'I could have saved you all this worry.'"

"What does that mean?"

He pressed a button on his phone. "The first time my phone buzzed, when we were kissing, it was Alice. She said, 'Bella's going to start freaking out. Tell her the answer is no.'"

"No? No. _No_," I sighed. Thank goodness. I felt like I had aged five years in those few minutes.

"See, nothing to worry about," Jasper said before his phone buzzed again. I grabbed it out of his hand to read what Alice had to say for myself, and I grinned. "She's a bossy little thing. She says, 'Do I have to tell you everything? Kiss her already, Jazz.'"

"You don't have to tell me twice." He leaned in toward my lips, and as we started to kiss, I could feel his relief cover us like a blanket. That relief quickly turned to desire before he stopped projecting and returned to his earlier mission of unbuttoning my shirt.

"To answer your question from before, no we don't need to use anything. One of the few perks of being a vampire." He smiled, and all of my worry disappeared. With a clear head, I could focus on the task at hand, which at the moment was leaning forward and unhooking my bra.

"Jasper, take off your shirt."

He sat still, staring at me as I removed my shirt and bra. I leaned back on my elbows, and his eyes seemed to trace every inch of my skin. I was unsure of how I would look to him now that he was a vampire. I flushed, causing him to briefly close his eyes and breathe in deeply.

He opened his eyes with a soft smile on his face and slowly bent down toward my chest. Hovering above me, he rested his cheek where my heart beat, his cold breath fanning over me. Even though we had made love in 1862, this felt like the most intimate moment we had shared.

I lay still as he lifted his face and ran his nose from the crest of one breast to the other. He raised his eyes to mine, and I could see that they were gradually darkening to deep amber. I was so eager to touch him, and I knew he had heard my earlier request.

"Jasper, your shirt," I reminded him.

His eyes suddenly flashed black as he once more leaned away from me. I couldn't understand why he would look apprehensive.

"Do you remember when I told you that my physical appearance was affected by my time with Maria—by my depravity?" he somberly asked.

"Of course, but that doesn't matter to me," I tried to assure him.

"You say that," he said, looking away, "but it _will_ matter once you see. The sight has bothered anyone who has seen me without a shirt. They've been frightened, repulsed. Even Alice, and she knew what to expect."

My heart broke for him. "I'm not _anyone_," I whispered.

He said something too fast and too low for me to hear.

"Honestly, Jasper, I don't care if you're covered in green scales under your shirt. I just don't want anything in between us when I touch you." He looked at me warily. "You aren't covered in scales, are you?" I jested.

"No, I'm not," he said, shaking his head, a faint hint of a smile at his lips.

He sighed as he grabbed the hem of his black shirt and slowly started to lift it. Gradually, his pale abdomen was revealed. His muscles rippled with his unhurried movements, and as he pulled the shirt over his head, I noticed faint silver lines decorating his torso, chest, arms, and neck.

Jasper remained perfectly still as I observed him. The first time I had seen him shirtless, he had been toned from his days spent working the farm and his constant military drills. However, that image couldn't compare to the sculpted perfection of his body post-transformation. I couldn't wait to run my hands over the planes of his chest.

"I can't believe it," he said quietly.

"Can't believe what?" I asked, tearing my eyes away from his body and up to his face.

"How could you possibly feel desire when you see me like this?" He looked more disgusted than perplexed.

"You're beautiful."

He looked at me pointedly. "Come closer."

I happily obliged and crawled to where he was kneeling at the foot of the bed. The closer I got to him, the more prominent the silver lines marking his body were. In my original position, I could barely see them in the low lighting, but when I was next to him, I could see he was covered with hundreds of crescent marks. They were scars just like the one on my wrist. Remembering the burn I had felt from just one bite, I couldn't believe the pain Jasper must have been in when he received these, even if he was already a vampire when they happened.

I carefully lifted my arm to touch him, and he didn't pull away or indicate I should stop. I ran my hand from the scant raised marks on his waist to the mass of scars at his neck. The bite marks there were so dense, I could barely distinguish one from another. As I stared at his mottled skin, I was overcome with despair and guilt. If only there was some way I could have stopped this, could have kept him from Maria.

"Don't," he simply said. "There's nothing you could have done."

I gave him a sad smile and kissed a scar on his chest where his heart once beat, hoping his words were true.

"I know they're hideous, and I've been so ashamed of what I looked like for so long, but I would have worn the marks with pride had I known each one was bringing me a step closer to you." He rested his forehead on mine, closing his eyes. "It's not your fault I look this way."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and focused on my love for him and my desire. "I meant what I said; you're beautiful. Even your scars are beautiful in the way they make your skin shimmer. You are absolutely perfect."

"Thank you," he said quietly, pressing his lips gently to mine.

"If there's anyone who should be embarrassed about their body, it's me."

He exhaled. "Ridiculous," he said, running his hands down my naked sides.

"I'm serious. I can't imagine what I must look like to you after you've been with Alice for so long. You see every flaw, every freckle . . ."

He could hear me, but I wasn't sure he was listening, because his lips started to explore the side of my neck.

"You have no flaws, and I'm going to make it my mission to find every one of your freckles and kiss them senseless," he said before his lips started to round my shoulder.

"But I—"

He silenced me with his mouth as his hands pulling me flush against his cool body.

"I'm not even going to indulge this foolishness. _You _are perfect. Tomorrow, we may start to work on your self-esteem, but tonight, I have different plans." For a moment, I felt his need fill me.

"Oh."

He laid me down on the bed and placed my arms above my head. Kneeling between my legs, his hands started to ghost over my chest. I arched my back, desperate for his touch on me, but he continued to tease me. Instead, his hands continued to linger just slightly over my body as he moved them down my legs to my feet. When I finally felt his touch, it was on my ankles as he went to pull off one sock and then the other. I was amazed at how erotic that one touch could be.

Jasper lightly stroked the tops of my feet, around my ankles, and up my calves under my pants before he said, "You know, mating is a remarkable process for a vampire."

His hands grasped behind my knees, and he quickly drew my body to his, my thighs now on either side of his hips. I softly moaned as I bit my lip.

"The connection between mates is undeniable." His dark eyes never left mine as he reached for the button on my jeans and then leisurely pulled down my zipper before removing his hands from my body.

"But I've been told when they consummate their relationship," he said as he was suddenly leaning over me, his arms on either side of my head, "it's absolutely outstanding."

His mouth was on mine then, and everything was Jasper. He consumed my every sense; he was all I saw, all I tasted, all I felt—all I wanted. Every gasp, every pull, every caress made my body flame with desire.

His mouth only left mine briefly when I felt a tug on my legs. I glanced down, and Jasper had removed the remainder of our clothing.

"Thank goodness for vampire speed," I boldly said as he smirked and pulled me up to where I was sitting on his naked lap.

"It will be easier this way," he said.

As soon as my hot flesh touched him, his chest rumbled, and my breathing grew ragged at the sound. I knew he could feel my heart as it slammed against my chest. I rose up slightly, bracing my hands on his shoulders, and he let out a delicious growl as I sank back onto him.

"_Outstanding_," I panted when I began to move.

Jasper's hands firmly grabbed my hips while he pulled me toward him in time with the rhythm I was setting.

His lips curled back from his teeth, but I didn't fear him once, as I was intoxicated by the overwhelming sensation of our shared love and longing.

His mouth began to move silently when my fingernails tried to find purchase in his stone shoulders. "I love you so much," I finally heard as his hands gripped my ass and his face was buried in my neck.

I tangled my fingers in his hair as my body began to tighten. "I love _you_."

As our pace quickened, I moaned, my fingers tangled in his hair. I gently bit his lower lip, and he growled, his eyes closed and his whole body tensing and shuddering with mine.

With a sly smile, he ran his hands up my now-sweaty back, then brushed the hair out of my face. I tried to get my vision to focus, and I was so glad Jasper was holding me up.

"Yes, it was." He chuckled.

"What?" I lazily asked. Had I missed something? I couldn't concentrate on anything I was so fabulously sated.

"Outstanding. Absolutely."

"Mmm . . . yes," I murmured as we lay down on the bed. I smiled as I stretched my legs and flexed my feet. Even my toes were relaxed.

His body pressed against me from behind and cooled my over-heated flesh. As we lay in silence, the backs of his fingers brushed up and down my naked stomach.

I rolled over to face him. "It seems unfair that you should still look this perfect while I'm over here panting, sweating, and beet red."

"That's just how I like you, Mrs. Whitlock." He smiled, and I could help but join him, so happy that we were together.

"Do you miss him?" he quietly asked.

My anger instantly flared, and I was hurt that he would bring up Edward now. Feeling my emotions, he quirked his eyebrow at me.

"Human Jasper. Do you miss him?" He looked so vulnerable, and I felt terrible about the laugh I couldn't hold back.

"_Human Jasper_?" I chuckled. "I think _Vampire _Jasper certainly held his own tonight. Besides, you're the same person; the form is just a little different."

"But do you miss that form"

I lay my hand on his cheek, sighing. "Again, I don't care about that. While the differences will take some getting used to, I love you no matter the form."

He looked at me as if I was holding something back.

"I suppose I miss how simple things were for us. I mean, if you could call me going back in time simple. There was a natural path we were on, though. We declared ourselves in the north pasture, and I assume we would have eventually had another ceremony with your family. When the war was over, we would have built our home." My voice dropped. "Maybe we would have had children."

Jasper kissed me softly on the lips. "I'm sorry those things won't happen for us—that children won't happen for us."

I wanted to reassure him that he was the most important thing to me. "Being with you is what matters to me, whatever path we travel. Kids aren't something I've ever really thought about, though it would have been fun to see your folks as grandparents," I admitted before gasping, horrified.

"Oh, no! I can't believe I haven't thought yet to ask about your family. What do they think happened to us? Did we just disappear? Emily was sick! Millie doesn't even know where I went when I left the house."

_I would never see Millie again_, I thought sadly. Tears sprang to my eyes when I thought of how I had never had the chance to say goodbye or thank you for all of the wonderful things she had done for me. I was overwhelmed with the grief I felt for people who had died decades before I was even born.

"Do you know what became of them after the war?" I asked Jasper.

"I'm ashamed to admit that I don't," he quietly answered.

I couldn't fathom how in all of his time as a vampire, he had never bothered to find out. Perhaps feeling my disbelief, he continued. "It has always been painful to think of my human family. Until now, I never had more than hazy memories, but I felt guilty about what a disappointment I would be to them."

His words tugged at my heart. "No. They would have been so proud of you and all that you've overcome."

I felt his gratitude, and he leaned forward, kissing my nose. "Thank you. You should get ready for bed. It's late."

I climbed out of bed and pulled on pajamas while Jasper sat up, putting on his underwear. I smiled at him as I headed to the bathroom to clean up and do my nightly routine.

"We can ask Rosalie about my family; she probably knows," he said when I came back, throwing me for a loop.

"Why would Rosalie know but you wouldn't?" I asked, sitting back down on the bed.

"She acts as the family archivist, and I know she has information on my human life, should I ever be interested."

This information seemed a little at odds with the image I had of Rosalie. "I'm glad someone knows, but it seems being the family archivist would be a better role for Esme or Alice."

He smirked. "I'm not surprised you think that, given how Rosalie's acted toward you with Edward around. We all serve roles in the family that speak to our strengths and interests. Rose has always been passionate about the role of family and all of us preserving whatever portions of our humanity we can. Alice doesn't remember her human life, and wouldn't necessarily think to ask about someone else's, and Esme would prefer to focus on her life now rather than the one she had before."

That made sense. Jasper continued to talk while I got under the covers.

"Rosalie asked me a couple years after Alice and I came to the family if I wanted her to find out about my family, but I've never felt comfortable reading her findings. We'll ask her, if you like, when she comes home. Now that I remember those months with my family, I'm curious as to what happened to them, too."

"Good. What roles do the rest of the family fill?" I asked while yawning. He leaned over to turn out the dim bedside lamp and joined me under the blankets.

"I oversee all of our official identity formation and records security. You never know when a newspaper article on Carlisle will need to disappear from online archives or a speeding ticket of Emmett's will need to be stricken from the record."

"That sounds like you—something involving being protective and strategic," I said, rolling over and snuggling my back to him.

"Yes," he said, stroking my hair. "Alice manages all of our financial portfolios."

I snorted. "So she actually knows how much money she spends?"

"Ha. That and she _is_ handy with the stock market." He pulled my hair to the side of my neck in order to kiss me there. "Carlisle is the architect of our backstories whenever we move and our primary community liaison. Emmett is the manager for all of our various properties, seeing to security and upkeep."

I was interested in what he was saying, but my eyelids were growing heavy. "Umhmm."

"Esme does all the home scouting and restoration. She also helps us to look more human in a community. She is the one who thinks to go grocery shopping occasionally and whatnot. Lastly, Edward uses his gift to be our information screen."

"Fascinating," I murmured, my eyes finally closing. "I'd like to do something for the family, too. Something nice."

"You do more than you know," he whispered. "Go to sleep. We can talk more tomorrow. I'll have Alice get you out of going to school."

"M'kay. I love you."

"I love you, too. Always," he said, wrapping his arm around my chest and pulling me even closer to him.

"Jasper?" I sleepily asked him.

"Yes?" he replied, amused.

"Maybe I can start a charity or something, oversee something philanthropic or whatever."

"That would be a very nice thing to do," he whispered. "Good night."

"Good night."

.

.

.

.

* * *

**Author note: I love hearing your thoughts, and I reply to all reviews with a teaser for the next chapter. Fanfiction has changed how they allow review replies, so if you aren't signed in or your profile doesn't allow PMs, you can't receive the teaser.**


	25. Chapter 25

_Previously:_

"_I love you, too. Always," he said, wrapping his arm around my chest and pulling me even closer to him._

"_Jasper?" I sleepily asked him._

"_Yes?" he replied, amused._

"_Maybe I can start a charity or something, oversee something philanthropic or whatever."_

"_That would be a very nice thing to do," he whispered. "Good night."_

"_Good night."_

* * *

**Chapter 25**

I woke to the sensation of Jasper's cool fingers running along my side, pushing up my shirt.

"Mmm. Good morning." I smiled, rolling over to face him.

"Good morning, indeed," he replied.

With the sun peeking around the curtains in my room, his skin had a faint warm glow to it, making him look almost human. It reminded of me of how he had looked the first morning I had woken up to him smiling at me—our wedding day. The memory made me smile.

"I'm so happy you're mine. I think I'll miss waking up to you," I told him.

"Well, as long as Charlie doesn't come in, you can wake up to me every morning." He gave my lips a sweet, lingering kiss.

"No, I mean after I'm changed."

We had spoken about us both wanting _forever _together, but neither of us had mentioned a timetable for when _forever_ would start. Not knowing his plans, I wasn't sure how he would react to my casual mention of it. I cringed a little while waiting for his reaction, but he surprised me by smiling.

"I know I'll miss it, too, but think of it this way, it also means we'll never have to say good night."

"Very true," I said while leaning forward to kiss him again. I could think of so many fabulous ways to fill our sleepless nights.

"I'm glad to see you aren't in any pain," Jasper said, stopping my amorous thoughts in their tracks. Why would he think I would be in pain?

"Pardon me?" I asked.

His hands returned to stroking my side and carefully pulled my shorts down my hip. "It appears I was perhaps a little overzealous last night."

I looked down and saw I now bore handprint-sized bruises where Jasper had grabbed me the night before. I sat up and turned to inspect my other side, which was identical in appearance.

When he had been guiding my hips toward him, I certainly hadn't been in any pain. In fact, his movements had only enhanced my pleasure.

"I would say, 'I hope you're not upset,' but I can feel that isn't the case," Jasper stated.

He was right. Edward had led me to believe that intimacy with a vampire would have disastrous consequences under even the best conditions. With that as a likelihood, a few bruises seemed like a wonderful alternative.

"I'm not bothered by them at all. I would think this was to be expected," I told him.

"I suppose it is par for the course with a vampire, but I promise if I had felt one slight bit of pain or discomfort from you last night, I would have loosened my grip or stopped immediately."

"I know you would have." I reached for his hand and placed it over the purple marks. "To be perfectly honest, I like being marked by you like this." His brow furrowed.

"I find it exciting that underneath my clothes, there will be a sign of our intimacy that only you and I know about." I wasn't embarrassed about expressing myself to Jasper, but I still couldn't help my blush.

He just smirked at me, and I was glad this wasn't going to be made into a big deal. "Be that as it may, I'm definitely looking forward to when we'll both be indestructible." He gently squeezed my hip before removing his hand.

"Speaking of which, when do you suppose that will be?" I asked, sitting up and grabbing a hair tie off my nightstand. I was trying to keep the conversation as casual as possible, despite knowing Jasper could tell how I was feeling.

"You don't need to be nervous," he said as if on cue and kissed my cheek. He gracefully got out of bed and started to put on his clothes from the day before. "It can be however soon or late you want it to be, though I would assume you would like to graduate first."

Graduation was in two and half months, and while that felt like a long time to wait, I didn't want to spend eternity as a high school dropout. I also needed to spend more time with Charlie. I hadn't spent nearly enough time with him over the years, and after being without him during my time in 1862, I knew just how much I would miss him once I was a vampire.

"Yes. I want my parents to see me graduate, and I would like to spend more time with my human friends before they all leave for college."

"I have all the time in the world, so as long as we're together, it doesn't matter to me when you change. You can go to college. We can travel. We can do whatever you want. Physically, I'm still a few years older than you, so that isn't a concern," he said as I got out of bed and crossed the room to get something to wear.

"I don't want to wait much longer than graduation." My face started to burn when I thought of Jasper's comment about us both being indestructible.

He grinned at me, leaning casually against the wall as I pushed hangers out of the way in the closet. I wasn't sure what I should wear around Jasper now; none of my clothing options could compare to what he had seen me in in 1862. I was starting to regret I had packed away all of the nice clothing Alice had purchased for me before the family had left.

"Here," Jasper said, reaching in and grabbing a random shirt.

"Thank you."

"I think you cut a fine figure in whatever you wear." He kissed me on top of my head.

"While we're talking about school, I'm not sure I even remember my class schedule, much less what I was studying after being gone so long. Where does the school think I've been all week?" I asked while changing clothes.

"Alice must not have told you or you forgot, but she called the school when you were on your way to Italy. She told them you were going with Charlie to scatter Harry Clearwater's ashes. It was a delicate enough subject that Mrs. Cope didn't question it, and she won't bring it up to Charlie," Jasper said as I finished buttoning the shirt.

"A _mighty_ fine figure." He winked at me, and I rolled my eyes.

"Not that I don't appreciate the effort or the ability to spend another day with you, but why would Mrs. Cope believe an excuse coming from Alice Cullen about why I wasn't in school?"

"She called as Renée. Mimicry is one of Alice's finer talents. She does a fabulous Carlisle," he said, and I wasn't sure if he was joking or not. "Speaking of, the family should have gotten home last night, and we may want to make an appearance at the house. If you don't feel comfortable with that, we can certainly do it another day. It's your call."

I loved the little bubble we were in, but I knew his family would be curious about what had happened, even if Alice had told them. I was nervous to hear what they thought about me being with Jasper now and if they were upset about me no longer being with Edward. I knew I couldn't face _him _today. Thankfully, Jasper shook his head as if he knew what I was thinking. I was grateful I would be spared _that_ conversation for at least another day.

Things definitely weren't settled with Edward, and I felt bad about how things had so suddenly been sprung upon him. Then again, I supposed it wasn't much different from the way things had crashed to a halt for me in September. At a minimum, I felt confident about the fact that I had decided Edward and I weren't meant to be in a relationship far before entering one with Jasper.

I could only hope that his family would be understanding about our current situation—not that it was even very comprehendible.

"I guess now is as good a time as any," I told him.

~*LoG*~

On the way to the Cullen house, we spoke more about our plans for the coming months. I was definitely looking forward to starting our _forever _together, but I knew we needed to work through some things before we added the difficulty of me being a newborn vampire.

As I walked into toward the living room, I couldn't even imagine what being a newborn would be like, but I knew I would be in good hands with Jasper.

After parking my truck at the house, he told me everyone had things they wanted to say to me, but they would each wait their turns. I had thought I was prepared for talking to his family. However, when I nervously spied Carlisle and Esme stand as I entered the room, I regretted telling Jasper to go hunt while I suffered through potentially awkward conversations.

I was glad they were letting me come to them, but the effort to remain still looked like it was killing Esme. I had never truly seen a vampire ill at ease, but she seemed actually uncomfortable with her hands at her sides. Carlisle stood with one of his hands resting on her lower back and the other arm slightly raised, bidding me to sit down. Both of their faces seemed to flash between looks of eagerness and contrition.

I decided to end their discomfort. "I missed you."

Instantly, Esme rushed to me, enveloping me in her arms. "Oh, Bella." I gladly hugged her solid form back. "We missed you _every day_."

She finally dropped her arms and stepped back so Carlisle could step forward, and though not as enthusiastically, he too came to put his arms around me.

"We can't apologize enough for our role in September—" he started.

"Carlisle, there's no need to discuss that," I told him.

"But we sincerely—" Esme added, but I stopped her.

"I appreciate your apologies, and I accept them. I've had plenty of time to think about what happened and how everyone else might have been involved. I might have felt differently if I hadn't had a few months since your return to process my feelings, but right now, it's sufficient to say that I'm glad you're back," I said, sitting down on the white sofa.

"Ah, yes, we had neglected that, for you, it's been a while since our return to Forks," Carlisle said.

I knew the family had all gone on a hunt to discuss what had happened, but I wasn't sure how much Alice had explained.

"I don't know how much Alice told you or if you even believe it. Were you able to contact your friend Eleazar?" I asked.

Carlisle sat down in a white leather chair next to the sofa and casually leaned forward in the seat before answering. "Alice told us all she could. Of course, we believe it happened, and we would have, even without her verification. Clearly, we aren't sure why it came to pass, but I am hoping Eleazar can shed some light on the subject. I did speak to him by telephone, but Edward felt it would be best to have this type of discussion in person."

He regarded me carefully, as if he wasn't sure how I would react to his mention of Edward. Then, Esme came to sit next to me on the couch, placing her hand lightly on my shoulder.

"Even though we don't know all of the whys or hows you came to be with Jasper, we're grateful you're a part of this family again. However, we want you to know our feelings for you certainly aren't dependent on your relationship with any one person; we love you for _you_," she said, brushing my hair over my shoulder in a motherly gesture I had missed.f

A look of brief sadness passed between her and Carlisle before she continued. "While the roles we publicly portray sometimes change from move to move, I've always felt maternal toward who I, perhaps mistakenly, refer to as 'the children.' I'll just need to balance my happiness for you and Jasper with my sensitivity to Edward's pain right now."

I understood what she meant. However, I thought Edward had thrown away some of his right to the family's emotional sensitivity when he had left me standing alone in the woods.

Seeing the look on my face or sensing my hesitancy, Esme continued. "We now know he lied to you, and Alice told us a bit about how things were for you once we all left. We're definitely angry with him about that, but part of being a family means loving each other in spite of our flaws."

I was grateful for Esme's accepting nature, because it meant she greeted me and Jasper with open arms, but I couldn't help but be a little upset, because it also meant overlooking Edward's actions to some extent. Regardless, I wanted to be a part of this family, and for the sake of the family as a whole, Jasper and I would need to be sensitive to Edward's feelings—to a point.

A part of me would always love Edward, and I hated to see him hurting like I did in the fall, but I wasn't going to hide my feelings for Jasper. Edward left me so I could live my life, and that was exactly what I was going to do—whether it was his idea of how my life should be or not. I held out hope that he would one day find his mate and realize this was all for the best.

"Where is Edward?" I asked.

Carlisle glanced worriedly at Esme before replying, "He left late last night for Alaska."

He was right to worry about my response. Hearing that Edward had not just fled the house but the state made me furious. I had been concerned for his feelings and had wanted to tread delicately around him, but this was exactly the type of behavior that had put us in this position.

I started to shake my head.

"He wanted to talk to Eleazar himself and come up with an explanation for how this could have happened," Esme cautiously explained.

I was so angry I couldn't sit still. I jumped up from the sofa and crossed to the wall of windows. "I hope he didn't go in hopes of finding a _solution_. I love Jasper, and nothing—_nothing_—is going to change that."

"Of course not. He just doesn't know how to process this, and Edward does want what's best for you," she said.

I didn't want to take my feelings out on Esme and Carlisle, but I hated how they could always excuse his behavior, family or not.

"He didn't even try to talk to me about this; he just left. He has never wanted to discuss anything with me. All of his actions were done _for _me but above my head or behind my back." I sighed. "This is just further proof that he always runs from problems instead of facing them head on."

A voice cut through the living room. "Clearly, we chose the right time to come home."

I turned to see Rosalie and Emmett coming in from the kitchen. A huge smile graced Emmett's face, and I could tell he was happy to see me. When I returned from Volterra, I had been barely conscious at the airport, and I couldn't remember if I had hugged him or not. Even Rosalie looked pleased as she entered the room.

"I'm glad to see you've finally opened your eyes," she said with a smirk.

"We'll leave you all to talk, then," Esme said as she and Carlisle breezed out of the room.

Just as Carlisle and Esme hadn't moved when I came into the room, Emmett didn't attempt to come closer, even though I could tell he was excited. Jasper or Alice must have told them not to overwhelm me. Seeing as how he wasn't going to make the first move, I walked over to hug him and soon found myself several feet off the ground and in Emmett's arms.

"Life is just not as much fun without you," he said as I felt the air squeezed out of my lungs.

Rosalie coughed, interrupting our reunion. "I can't believe Alice is okay with this. As you seem to be hopping from brother to brother, I warn you now that you better not even so much as look at my husband."

Emmett set me down and plopped on the sofa next to me. When I looked at Rosalie, I could tell she was joking. I wasn't sure why she even wanted to talk to me, let alone why she was being somewhat pleasant.

"So, Jasper, huh?" Emmett asked. He looked thoughtful for a moment and then nodded. "I like it, but you know me, I'll take you however I can get you. Even Rosie thinks you two could work." He winked.

I didn't know what to think about that. It wasn't as if I needed Rosalie's approval to be with Jasper, but I was surprised to hear Emmett say that, especially because I knew how she felt about me.

My face must have been an open book because Rosalie piped up. "Bella, despite what you might think, I don't hate you." She paused, and I assumed she was running through her mental thesaurus to rectify that sentence by saying she abhorred, loathed, or despised me instead.

"I suppose you could say I envy you."

_What? _"What? There's no reason for that," I said, looking to Emmett for some sort of confirmation, but he remained quiet and focused on his mate.

"It's true. You had so much ahead of you in life; you were moving toward things. _We _aren't moving toward anything. Don't you see we're stuck? Things just move _around_ us," she said, moving toward the window.

I hadn't really considered that, but I would never consider myself _stuck _with Jasper. I started to defend myself, but she kept talking while staring out the window.

"In all of my wishing that you would move on from Edward, I never could have imagined it would be for another vampire."

I started to say, "But Jasper wasn't a vamp—"

"Let me finish," she said, turning to look at me. "I can see things are different with Jasper. You were in a place where you could have had all of those human possibilities with him, but they were taken away from you. I know how that feels." Her voice dropped, and she looked away again.

"I know Edward thought all of our stories were for us to tell, and I need to tell you mine," she said.

Emmett stood and went to hold her hand, and she took it without a word. I was amazed Rosalie would ever need support from anyone. As she told me her painful story, though, I was grateful Emmett was there and that she allowed him to be. I could see how much he loved her and admired her bravery. I knew Rosalie would never want my pity, but my heart ached for what she had gone through.

When she was finished, I wasn't quite sure what to say. I just sat on the sofa with my hand over my mouth, shocked at what she had had to endure. I was glad she felt she could open up to me, but I wasn't sure what the details of her change had to do with my situation with either Jasper or Edward.

Emmett had his arms around her, whispering something in her ear before she spoke again. "Besides wanting you to remain human, I was opposed to you and Edward because you were conforming too much to who he wanted you to be. I had been in that same situation where I was trying to mold my life into what I thought was the perfect image. Now, you know that ended badly for me. I didn't really know who I was, and I foresaw the same thing happening for you."

Rosalie echoed many of the thoughts I had agonized over what hadn't worked in my relationship with Edward while in Texas. I smiled at her, relieved to know some of the reasons for her previous hostility toward me.

"Don't think this means I'm going soft, but I like who I think you _could_ be, Swan," she said, and Emmett snickered, happy Rosalie was making an effort. "So help me, though, if you ever hurt Jasper, you'd better watch your back."

Rosalie turned to leave the room, but Emmett stopped her. "What about the book, babe?" he asked.

"I have a small scrapbook of the information I could find about Jasper's life as a human and his family. Alice said you had grown quite fond of them during your stay and that you would be interested to read about them. Jasper's never had any desire to know, but he may now that he has more human memories. I left it for either or both of you on Jasper's desk upstairs."

"Thank you, Rosalie," I said as she moved to walk upstairs.

She called back down, "For what it's worth, I'm happy for you, Bella."

I was so shocked at her words that I was nearly tempted to peek out the window and check for flying pigs.

"See, my woman isn't half bad," Emmett said, reminding me he was still in the room. He had been so unusually quiet through the whole exchange, but he had been whatever Rosalie had needed in the moment.

"I'm real glad we're back, kid," he said while ruffling my hair. "If you ever go back in time again, you should go meet me as a human. I was a real stud," he joked, "but I could only ever have eyes for my Rose."

"I'm glad you're back, too," I said, purposefully bumping my shoulder into him while heading toward the stairs to go find the scrapbook.

"Race ya," he called out then blurred up the stairs in front of me and toward his bedroom.

I chuckled as I climbed the stairs and wondered how much longer Jasper would be gone. Talking to his family wasn't necessarily the painful experience I thought it might be, but I still missed him.

I walked into Jasper's room and crossed the plush carpet to his desk where I found a large leather binder. Carefully lifting the cover and glancing at a few of the pages, I could see it was filled with newspaper clippings, photocopied documents, and handwritten notes. I was curious, but I wanted to wait for Jasper before reading anything, so I softly closed the cover.

"Hello." I jumped slightly and turned to see Alice standing timidly in the doorway.

"May I come in?" she asked.

I was worried about how things would be from now on with Alice. When we had had the conversation about her and Jasper not being mates, she had been so sweet and understanding. She had said that everything would be different in the morning, which had later led me to believe she had an idea of what was going to happen. She had confirmed that after I woke up in Edward's bedroom, and she had seemed pleased with Jasper and me then, but I wasn't sure how she would behave when it was just the two of us.

"Like you don't know what I'm going to say," I said jokingly, smiling slightly and testing the waters with her.

The next thing I knew, I was enveloped in her iron embrace. "Don't ever worry about us," she said, leaning back and looking into my eyes. "I told you nothing would ever change between us—no matter what happens."

Tears of relief sprang to my eyes. Alice dropped her arms and had a huge grin on her face.

"Thank you, Alice." I couldn't express how relieved I was that she still wanted to be my friend, my sister.

"_Things will be different_. What was that?" I asked. "You could have given me some warning." I rolled my eyes.

"Now, where would the fun have been in that?" she asked in a singsong voice, hopping up on the desk.

Everything seemed to be going well, and she told me not to worry, but I couldn't help but still be a little concerned. I shifted my weight back and forth on my feet and bit my lip. "So, you aren't mad at me?"

She pursed her lips in mock aggravation. "Of course I'm not mad. Who am I to argue with the Fates? Like I told Edward, it was meant to be. Plus, nothing could be better than my two best friends making each other happy."

One look at her face and I knew she was telling me the truth. It meant a lot that the rest of the family was supportive of us, but no one's opinion mattered as much as Alice's did. I was glad to know she wasn't hurt by the consequences of my time travel. I only wished the same could be said of Edward.

"Don't mention it," she said before I could thank her again for her acceptance. "There is someone out there for me; I _know _it."

"Do you know anything about Edward?" I asked, sitting on a trunk at the foot of Jasper's bed.

She stared at the far wall, her eyes seeming to unfocus for a moment. "No, nothing yet. I haven't been able to see him very well, because other than going to see Eleazar, he hasn't made any concrete decisions."

I supposed that no news was good news at this point.

"You aren't Edward's mate, but he did always want what was best for you, even if he sometimes had an odd—or terrible—way of showing it. I don't need my visions to know when he realizes you and Jasper are meant to be together, he will support you simply because it's what is best for you."

We didn't continue that line of conversation because Jasper appeared at the doorway and sauntered over to us, giving me a breath-taking smile.

"Ali, thank you for making my girl feel better," he said, never taking his eyes off me.

"Oh, okay. Sure thing, Jazz," she said before making a hasty exit.

"What was that about?" I asked as he swiftly pulled me flush with his body.

"Well, she _does_ see the future." He winked and kissed me lightly on the lips.

I was slightly mortified that Alice would have visions of us being intimate, but as he trailed his mouth down my neck, all was forgotten. He lifted my hands to the first button on my shirt.

"Umhmm," I murmured, seeing where he was going with this, and my hands slowly started undoing my buttons while he watched.

"She had her turn to make you feel better, and now, I get mine."

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**Author note: I love hearing your thoughts, and I reply to all reviews with a teaser for the next chapter. Fanfiction has changed how they allow review replies, so if you aren't signed in or your profile doesn't allow PMs, you can't receive the teaser.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26:**

While spending time at the Cullen house after school, we spoke to Alice about plans regarding the next few months and my change. She hadn't been sure how things would work, as we hadn't made any definitive plans yet, other than wanting to wait until after graduation.

Jasper told her he thought it would best if we let Charlie and Renée think I had been accepted into an early-enrollment summer college program, when in actuality, we would move somewhere secluded to prepare for my transformation. Eventually, the rest of the family would arrive, and I could continue to communicate with my parents electronically until it became imperative to "cut ties."

When he described the whole plan to her, she searched the future and said the plan should work not to incur suspicion from the Quileutes and to appease the Volturi. I hadn't even thought about the Volturi since returning from Texas, but surely they would be curious as to why I was now with Jasper.

Alice said it wouldn't matter to them and that Aro might have even seen something about it in her thoughts. She _saw_ that some of the guard would be coming through Washington in a few months to handle an issue in Seattle and that they would initiate a conversation with the Cullens then.

With those concerns somewhat put to rest, the following weeks seemed to fly by. It was interesting to find a balance between the amount of time I wanted to spend with Jasper and still pay attention to Charlie, school, and my friends.

The adjustment to going back to school was difficult, but at least Alice had re-enrolled. She was essential to helping me remember things like my schedule and locker combination; it had been months since I needed to recall them. At first, people had been surprised Edward wasn't back in school with Alice, but she had vaguely explained there was a family emergency requiring him to stay with relatives in Alaska. I hoped the same issue might bring Jasper home from college as well.

Charlie was pleased I was spending time with both the Cullens and my other friends. He was even happier that Edward had yet to come around the house. Part of me was still concerned about Edward's feelings, but my anger toward his leaving _again _overshadowed my worry, and I was glad he wasn't in Forks. Jasper and I were so happy; we didn't need Edward's presence to darken our moods.

~*LoG*~

"What are you thinking about?" Jasper asked, kissing my furrowed brow.

I sighed and shifted in the bed so I was facing him. "Just about the last few weeks. What Alice said about our plans. Edward." I drew random shapes on his bare chest as I spoke.

"Just what every man wants to hear when he's naked in bed with his wife." He playfully growled before getting up and walking to his dresser.

I watched him bend over to grab a pair of jeans from his bottom drawer and murmured, "Hmm. Remind me to thank Alice for asking Charlie if I could stay the night."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, he was back on the bed leaning over me, his body so close to mine that I could feel a slight chill. He slowly traced his finger down my chest, bringing the sheet with it and exposing my breasts to him. His cool breath fanned over me, and he leaned his head down until his mouth hovered directly over my nipple.

I licked my lips and tried to arch up toward him, but his hand firmly held me in place.

"What was that you were saying? Or better yet, _feel-ling_?" he asked, his tongue lightly grazing my nipple on the last word.

I moaned and silently begged him for more, knowing he could feel my need for him.

"If I didn't know any better, I would think you were just ogling me." He winked at me and crawled his way up to my lips.

I tried to sit up to capture his mouth, but he remained just out of reach. He leaned down a little more, his lips barely open, but when I strained my neck forward, he teasingly pulled away again. I groaned in exasperation, and his response was to kiss me pertly on the lips and hop off the bed.

"Urg. You're just going to leave me like this?" I asked, completely frustrated and worked up.

"I promise I'll make it up to you later, but we should get dressed," he said, pulling a shirt over his head. "If we start again now, we'll never leave the house."

"Why do we need to leave the house? I'm perfectly content staying right here in this bed." I pouted.

"Oh, I would be more than content to spend the day in bed with you, but there's somewhere I would like to take you, and I think today's a good day to finally look through the scrap book," he answered while pulling out some shoes from the bottom of his closet.

If Jasper was actually ready to look through the book from Rosalie, I would put my desires aside—for now. Ever since she had given us the information, he had been hesitant to look at it. I was worried he continued to feel unworthy of his family now that he had recovered some of his memories of them.

"Where are we going?" I asked as I got out of bed to grab my clothes out of my bag.

"I thought I would take you to one of my favorite places in the area."

I smiled as I pulled on my pants, happy Jasper wanted to share this with me. Over the past few weeks, we had done a lot of reminiscing about our time together in Texas, but I didn't want our relationship to be based solely in the past. I didn't want it to be all about the future, either.

When I had been with Edward, I had felt so focused on whether or not he would change me—or whether or not I would survive whatever disaster we'd been facing—that I hadn't ever really appreciated the present with him. Things were proving to be much different with Jasper, and I was enjoying the time we spent together as a human and a vampire as much as I had when we were both human.

"You'll want to wear a sweater or sweatshirt in addition to your jacket," he said after I fastened my bra.

I chuckled. "Jasper, Alice would intervene if I even _thought_ of bringing a sweatshirt into this house." It was true, but I was glad Alice hadn't bothered me about my wardrobe since returning to the present—aside from asking me if I wanted help in selecting an outfit for graduation in a few weeks. I was surprised she would ask before just purchasing something for me to wear, but I had agreed to go shopping with her in Port Angeles.

I wondered where Jasper was going to take me, what kind of place would be something he would want to share with me so eagerly. This made me think of the first time I had seen the meadow with Edward. I supposed I would never see it again. Now, I was actually glad about my run-in with Laurent, because it made saying goodbye to the meadow easier. It was funny how my affection for that location hadn't waned as my feelings for Edward had.

"Still with me?" Jasper asked, and he was suddenly in front of me.

"Yes. Sorry. I was just thinking about where we might be going," I said, snapping out of my thoughts and grinning up at him.

"You'll like it, I promise. I'm going to run downstairs and finish getting ready to go. Meet me in the garage when you're ready."

He disappeared before I could reply, and it made me smile. There had been times since my return when I could tell he had felt nervous about revealing his vampiric nature in front of me, and I was so glad we were over that. There was nothing Jasper needed to hide from me.

When I finished tying my shoes, I made my way downstairs. At first, I didn't see him when I looked down the line of Cullen cars in the immaculate garage.

Slowly, the house and garage had been filling back up with the family's possessions. The garage had also been graced with two additions, a new car for Esme and a shiny, hybrid SUV whose worth I didn't even want to guess.

One day, Rosalie and Emmett had come into the living room while Jasper had been teaching me how to play chess. She offhandedly had said, "There's something in the garage for you, should you ever give up the rusted behemoth."

I hadn't been sure how to react when I saw they had purchased me a vehicle, but I appreciated the gesture. Jasper had seemed pleased that Rosalie appeared to be warming up to me but was also a little upset that she and Emmett hadn't considered my thoughts on a new car before buying one. I had tried to reassure him that Charlie hadn't asked me about my truck either, and that I would have needed a new car soon anyway.

I wondered if we might be taking the new SUV when I spotted Jasper at the far end of the garage. He was standing in a leather jacket in front of a classic, black motorcycle with a helmet under his arm. The sight of him literally took my breath away.

"I thought you wanted to leave the house today?" I asked him as I walked toward him.

"I do. That's why I'm grabbing the helmets," he hesitantly answered.

"Well, with you in that jacket, I'm not sure we'll even get out of the garage," I jokingly warned, knowing he could feel my desire for him.

He lifted me and set me on the bike facing him. I inhaled sharply as he pushed open my knees and pulled me flush to him.

"Now, now, Mrs. Whitlock. While that is a perfectly delicious idea, I do want to take you out while the weather is still nice enough."

I groaned in frustration at being denied again, and he just kissed me softly on the mouth, his tongue tracing my bottom lip.

"You know, I will still be wearing this jacket when we get home, and Alice said we would have the house to ourselves later in the afternoon."

I still wasn't sure how I felt about Alice seeing the intimate details of our relationship, but at the moment, I could only think of how grateful I was that I wouldn't be deprived of his touch for the rest of the day.

Jasper took my windbreaker out of my hand and handed me my own leather jacket and helmet. I hopped down and put both on while he went to open the garage door.

"I hope you don't mind if I drive on the way there. The bike is a little bigger than you're used to, but you're welcome to drive on the way home if you would like," he said over the sound of the rising door.

"That's fine."

He put on his helmet for the sake of appearance and gracefully mounted the motorcycle. I climbed behind him and scooted as close to him as I could get before putting my arms around his waist. I was happy he had offered to let me drive on the way home.

When I had told Jasper about my time learning to ride with Jake, he had been mildly entertained. I had left out the fact that I had been engaging in reckless behavior just to hear Edward's voice, however. After I had told him I enjoyed riding, he had promised we would go out together sometime soon. I would even have the option of riding my own bike, as Jake had returned it to my front lawn one night before Jasper had arrived. I had assumed it was in the hopes of Charlie seeing it and then grounding me to keep me from the Cullens. Thankfully, when Jasper had come over, he had removed the motorcycle before Charlie could wake up and see it.

I had told him that, though it would be fun to ride separately—like we did on horseback—I would much rather prefer to ride with him. He had apologized that horseback riding was no longer an option for us, as horses were naturally afraid of him, but that at least motorcycles wouldn't stop to sneak in the occasional bite of clover.

As we made our way along the 101 toward Port Angeles, I was reminded of the day when we had ridden double to the north pasture. The sun had warmed the leather of Jasper's jacket, and as I pressed my body against him, he almost felt human. I had told him I didn't care what form he was in, I loved him regardless, but I couldn't help feeling sad when I got these brief reminders of what it was like for us to both be human.

Jasper started to slow the bike and pointed to the shoulder of the road. I realized he was asking me if I wanted to stop.

"I'm fine. Let's keep going," I said.

Sooner than I expected to stop, Jasper turned off the highway and pulled into a tourist parking lot for the hiking trails surrounding Lake Crescent.

I had a few hazy memories of coming to the lake with Charlie as a kid and renting a rowboat. Even though the lake apparently had its own type of trout, it was one of the only times I could ever remember being on the water with my dad when he hadn't been fishing.

"Lake Crescent is beautiful," I offered as Jasper turned off the bike, and we both took off our helmets.

I started to get off the bike when Jasper replied, "It is very beautiful, but this isn't where I'm taking you. We'll have to travel the rest of the way there on foot."

I was curious about where we might be going. Due to my occasional inability to walk in a straight line, Charlie had never dared to take me hiking in the area.

Jasper held my hand as I dismounted the motorcycle. He gracefully did the same and handed me a bag he had packed with food and water. I put on the backpack and grabbed his hand as he started to lead me to across the empty highway.

I knew he could feel my curiosity, but he had yet to say where he was taking me. "Is it a surprise where we're going?"

"Not exactly, but I'm sure it's somewhere you've never been before. It's a spot near Mount Appleton. I first saw it after a hunting trip with Esme and Emmett. We ordinarily have to be careful in the national park, but this is an area where very few humans travel."

We stepped into the cool forest on the other side of the road and after we were several yards in, Jasper dropped my hand. I could already see the terrain would make it a difficult trip.

Jasper turned around and chuckled. "I planned on carrying you. I didn't think you would mind, as it beats the alternative. We're only going a few miles, but the topography is quite varied. Even so, it won't take very long if I run."

We had spent as much time together as we could the last few weeks, but I had yet to run with Jasper. After riding so close to him, I was looking forward to spending more time pressed against his back.

"Ah, you approve," he said before leaning in to kiss my lips.

Before I could enjoy the kiss too much, he pulled me onto his back and took off. It had been so long since I had traveled this way that my heart immediately leapt into my throat. In an instinctual panic, I tried to dig my hands into Jasper, and I shut my eyes. He patted my hand and turned his face slightly toward me.

"When you're ready, open your eyes."

With my eyes still closed, I could feel the dips in the forest floor and the wind rushing over my shoulders. Jasper's jacket was still warm from the sun, but instead of keeping my face buried against him, I raised my head and opened my eyes. At first, I just saw stripes of passing brown, emerald, and moss before my eyes focused. He was still running at a superhuman speed, but I realized he was going at a slow enough pace so I could enjoy the view around me.

The trees were dense and surrounded by thick underbrush that would graze the bottom of my shoes. I absentmindedly wondered if the Cullens ever got grass stains on their pants from their trips through the forests. The thought of carefully inspecting Jasper's pants when we stopped made me smile and hug him a little closer. Apparently, he felt my mood, because he shot me a small dose of lust, his speed never faltering.

We quickly passed through the forest, and the trees began to thin as the ground became steeper. The sun filtered down and made Jasper's face glimmer as he leapt over a random stream-bed or fallen log. We were high enough now that, even in May, there were still sporadic patches of melting snow on the ground.

Soon, we burst out of the woods and into open, rocky ground. I was in awe of the jagged and gray mountains surrounding us. As we wove our way between the sparse spots of grass and trees dotting the landscape, I could see where we were crossing a few trails.

"Aren't you worried about hikers?" I asked in reference not only to his unnatural speed but to his face shining even though it was slightly overcast.

"Alice said we would be fine today. Because of the snow, it's still early for humans to come here. We're almost there."

He smiled, and moments later, he stopped at a relatively flat field that was seemingly cradled by mountains.

"This is it. Appleton Pass," Jasper said as he let go of my legs so I could stand. His face looked radiant, and he was looking at me expectantly.

I turned around in a circle to admire Jasper's favorite spot. As far as I could see, there were mountains rising up in rows until they faded blue in the distance, looking like nothing more than ocean waves. The ground was carpeted in green grass flecked with delicate flowers, which at a distance appeared like small tufts of cotton.

The memories the tiny flowers brought back to me made me smile in earnest, and I wondered if this was a part of the reason Jasper loved this place. His arms were suddenly around me and his voice in my ear.

"They're called avalanche lilies, and I didn't think there would be so many here before June."

"Maybe they bloomed just for us," I murmured, touched by the beauty of the entire experience. "It's a bit of a stretch, but they remind me of when you took me riding through your family's cotton field."

I could feel him nod. "I didn't even need to explain it to you."

My love for him swelled, and I was so glad he brought me here. He grabbed my hand and sat down, pulling me next to him.

We sat there in silence for a few moments holding each other's hands before Jasper began to speak again.

"The flowers are a part of why I felt drawn to this space, but the first thing I noticed was the sky. No matter how different the terrain might be, being under an open sky has always reminded me of Texas."

I squeezed his hand, and he continued. "Alice never understood why I would want to be reminded of Texas because of my horrible memories of Maria, but now, I suppose it was because I was reminded of home—of you."

The look on his face was so sincere that it brought tears to my eyes. His thumbs brushed my cheeks, and his hands held my face. "I love you," he said as he brought his lips to mine to kiss me sweetly.

"Can we go back there someday, to Texas?" I asked when we both leaned back. "Have you been back?"

"I haven't been back, but now that we're together I would like to—someday."

I contentedly thought about how wonderful it would be to return to where our story first started, where we said our vows, but Jasper cut off my musing.

"You would have to be prepared for what might be there now. A lot of time has passed. It wouldn't be how you remember it," he warned.

I frowned, thinking of our special place potentially being a part of a subdivision or a strip mall. Perhaps we shouldn't go back. It was sad to think about that aspect of being a vampire. I had mentally addressed the concern about outliving everyone I loved outside of the Cullen family. However, I hadn't thought about how I would feel when the places that meant so much to me would start to change or disappear. I remembered what Rosalie had said about things moving _around _you as a vampire.

"Of course it wouldn't be the same. I guess I wasn't thinking about how long ago we were there together," I said.

"That's another reason I love this pass. I don't feel old here. This spot looked exactly the same centuries ago, and if I came here in two hundred years, it would still look the same."

I looked at the peaks in the distance and felt the weight of Jasper's words. I could mention how long it had been since we were together during the Civil War, but I hadn't been alive that entire time, unlike Jasper.

_Centuries._

There was a heft to that thought I couldn't yet grasp.

Jasper leaned back on his hands and tilted his face up as a stream of dim sunlight came through the clouds.

"Vampires crave consistency to some degree. It's how covens can stay together for so long and why mating is so important."

I felt his gratitude surround me like an embrace. Despite how daunting the idea of immortality seemed a second ago, I felt comforted knowing I would always have Jasper by my side.

"I have something else I'd like to show you," Jasper said.

I started to stand up, thinking he wanted to take me somewhere else, but he caught my hand and kept me in place.

"Until you unlocked my memories of us together, I had only one memento of my life as a human."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out two small, worn volumes. When he handed me the books, I could see the one on top, though looking much older, was identical to the volume of _Leaves of Grass_ I had given him in 1862. I sat with my mouth open as I fingered the pages.

"It's the same one—" he started.

"How?" I couldn't believe he could have possibly had it the entire time.

"It was in the pocket of my uniform when I was changed, and Maria let me have it for some reason when I refused to part with it. I didn't know why it meant so much to me at the time, but I knew I needed to guard it. I think she was happy to let me keep it, knowing she could use it as leverage against me at some point should she need it," he explained.

"Amazing," I whispered. I opened the front cover and was sad to see I had never inscribed it to him. It was probably for the best that I hadn't. I couldn't imagine what effect it might have had on him later, especially once he met me again in Forks.

I clutched the books to my chest, and my eyes welled with tears. I was in awe of the fact that my gift had survived all these years. The north pasture, which was likely no more, wasn't _home_ for us. These words were.

Overcome with emotion, I asked, "What's the second one?"

I shuffled the two and looked at the plain canvas cover of the larger book, not knowing what part of Jasper's history it represented.

"That's the _Leaves of Grass _edition that was released in 1900. For years, I read the book you gave me almost daily, even though I had all of the poems memorized. When I saw the later edition in a house . . ." He paused, as if skipping over a bad memory. "I couldn't help but take it. They were the only things I took when I left Maria."

I carefully opened the book and looked at the table of contents, which was much larger than that of the original version. I ran my finger down the list and blushed when I saw "I Sing the Body Electric." I couldn't believe how one poem could have charged the air so much when we first read it.

"I was hoping you might do me the honor of reading with me," he said, winking. He took a blanket out of the bag and spread it on the ground before lying down on his side.

I happily lay down facing him. He brushed back my hair and then traced the shell of my ear with his finger as he started to recite, "I am he that aches with amorous love. Does not all matter, aching, attract all matter? So the body of me, to all I meet, or know."

When he finished, he brought his body closer to mine. We had obviously grown bolder since our original poetry reading. I could tell he was trying to distract me as I turned to a page in the book, struggling to view the text as he kissed my face.

"For him I sing, as some perennial tree, out of its roots, the present on the past," I started before he rolled himself on top of me.

"I thought you wanted me to read?" I asked, smirking.

"I do. I'm just showing you what could have happened in 1862 had I not been such a gentleman. Keep reading," he said as he kissed along my jaw line.

I laughed and awkwardly held the book above his shoulder. "With time and space I him dilate—and fuse the immortal laws—"

He stopped me with his mouth upon mine.

"Primeval my love for the woman I love," he said as he took the book out of my hands, setting it on top of my bag.

"O bride! O wife!" he quoted, my eyes closing, before all thoughts of poetry were quickly abandoned.

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**Author Note:** I appreciate your patience as this chapter took a little longer to post. We're very close to the end of "Leaves of Grass," and unfortunately, this type of delay may happen again before the story is complete.

I always love to hear your thoughts and generally reply with a teaser for the next chapter. Instead of coming in a review reply, the teaser for the next chapter will soon be found on the "Leaves of Grass" forum (the link is in my profile).


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note: Thank you so much three winds beneath my wings: JaspersDestiny, Jointgifts, and McGee42. You all earned your hefty pay on this one.**

**Chapter 27 was getting to be quite the undertaking, so in order to update in a timely manner, it was split into two parts. This is the first.**

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_Previously:_

_"For him I sing, as some perennial tree, out of its roots, the present on the past," I started before he rolled himself on top of me._

_"I thought you wanted me to read?" I asked, smirking._

_"I do. I'm just showing you what could have happened in 1862 had I not been such a gentleman. Keep reading," he said as he kissed along my jaw line._

_I laughed and awkwardly held the book above his shoulder. "With time and space I him dilate—and fuse the immortal laws—"_

_He stopped me with his mouth upon mine._

_"Primeval my love for the woman I love," he said as he took the book out of my hands, setting it on top of my bag._

_"O bride! O wife!" he quoted, my eyes closing, before all thoughts of poetry were quickly abandoned._

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**Chapter 27**

Graduation was fast approaching, and I was trying to keep my priorities balanced. Schoolwork was uninspiring when I could be spending time with Jasper, and I jokingly asked him if he could simply make me feel as passionate about my homework as I did about him. He said if he truly did that, I would probably blush furiously during my classes the following day. Instead, he suggested I try to make study dates with Angela, so I was also spending time with my human friend while I had the chance.

I had decided to start calling Renée more as well. Since she had visited in the fall to see my brief transition from near-catatonia to rage, our talks had been seldom, brief, and mainly silent on my end. By sticking to the occasional e-mail, I had been spared listening to her worried tone.

During my first phone call to her, she instantly launched into a description of a cruise she wanted to take with Phil once his broken leg was healed. When I told her it sounded like a lot of fun, she paused so long that I thought we were disconnected.

"Uh, Mom?" I asked.

"I'm here. I was just surprised for a second, honey. You've been so quiet on the phone lately."

"I know. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry I made you worry about me."

I realized my emotional distance must have been difficult for my mom, especially since she was too far away to comfort me. I had always considered my mom my greatest confidante, and it made me a little sad that, because of the supernatural elements surrounding the Cullens, I could never truly be honest with her.

"I want you to know that things are better now," I said, trying to assuage some of her concerns, even if I couldn't go into the details.

"I'm glad to hear you say that, but all of a sudden? It seems a little quick," she said hesitantly.

After all I had put her through, she was justified in being slightly incredulous. Telling her about Jasper didn't feel like the right thing to do, though. I knew it would just bring up more concerns if she thought my emotional recovery was because of another guy. I decided to try to convince her in a method she understood—distraction.

"I guess it wasn't all at once, but I've taken up some new hobbies lately."

"Ooo, like what?"

"I can knit now," I offered. "I've also been doing a lot of baking, and I started learning how to play the piano." I chuckled to myself at what she would think if she knew I learned all of those things in 1862. I smartly decided not to mention the horseback riding, as it would definitely raise too many questions.

She sounded pleased at my new interests and started telling me all about her new love of paint by numbers. When our conversation was over, I promised to call more frequently and to send her some homemade cookies in the mail.

Even though we lived together, trying to spend quality time with Charlie was a little more difficult than pledging to call my mom more. He had a habit of just wanting to share space with me instead of actually doing something together, and even though I was facing an eternity without him, I still couldn't rouse an interest in fishing.

Similar to my time with Angela, I decided to kill two birds with one stone and get my quality time with Charlie while making all of the foods I wanted to eat before eating was no longer a necessity.

I instituted a no-TV-during-dinner policy, and when he wasn't working at night, I aimed for at least forty-five minutes together at the table.

My mom had always been my best friend, and I felt I knew her inside and out, but I was embarrassed at how little I knew about Charlie. I supposed I had always just looked at him as my dad and not as a person. Now that our days together were numbered, I wanted to build as many memories of him as I could. There was no way I was willing to give Charlie up before I really knew who he was.

Thus, during our dinners together, I started asking him questions about what it was like growing up with Grandma and Grandpa Swan in Forks, how he became such good friends with Billy, and why he became a cop.

His description of the Forks of his youth sounded much like it was today, but I didn't get the same feeling of small-town claustrophobia when he talked about growing up here. Instead, it was obvious that he had always cherished the same lush, green landscape I had only come to appreciate when exploring the forest with Jasper.

I knew Charlie was an avid fisherman, but I had never grasped that beyond that simple pastime was a deep love and respect for the land. He told me stories about childhood escapades in the woods and on the beach with Billy and Harry that nearly had tears running down my face from laughing so hard. It brought a lump to my throat to learn he had become a cop to make my grandfather proud and to show him he knew what it was to be a good man.

In the beginning, I practically had to pry answers out of him, but once I explained I was trying to make up for lost time before I left for college, he was a lot more forthcoming. At times, our conversations were uncomfortable for both of us, but I worked up to asking him deeper questions like how he felt when his parents died, why he never came after Mom when she left, and why he hadn't had a serious relationship once he realized she was never coming back.

He quietly told me about how much it had hurt him when my mom and I had left—when the sunshine went out of his life. It broke my heart to hear him say he had wanted to come after us to California, but Renée had sent him a picture of the two of us smiling, and he had assumed we were better off without him.

Thes subject was painful, but I could tell he was being as honest as possible just to make me happy. These discussions were probably the most my dad had ever spoken in single stretches. Knowing how we shared a distaste for being the center of attention, I was proud of him for opening up.

It was the first time I saw how truly lonely he had been for so many years. I was thankful to Billy and Harry for stepping up and being my dad's family when it should have been my mom and me. I was foolishly angry with the child I once was who never noticed the hurt in her dad's eyes when he said goodbye at the end of our visits.

There was a painful night when I grieved for the little girl who grew up without a dad in her daily life and for the woman who would soon have to say goodbye. I briefly panicked about whether or not I could do it—whether I could hurt Charlie by leaving him again. The alternative of leaving Jasper to spend his eternity alone, especially after he had been without me for so long, seemed more daunting, though.

As gut-wrenching as these thoughts were, I was glad to have them. When I had been with Edward, I had viewed my future transformation as the next logical step in our relationship. I'd been blind to anything outside of the two of us, but now I knew I needed to face my change with open eyes and the realization of how it would affect those closest to me.

This night, Charlie and I were doing things a little differently from our usual routine; I'd invited a guest to dinner. I had been honest with Charlie, eventually letting him know that I had been seeing someone. Content to know it wasn't Edward, Charlie hadn't pushed for more answers other than asking a simple, "He treating you right?"

I had finally told him that it was Jasper, and I had expected him to be mad that I was seeing another Cullen, but he had surprised me by his response. He had said he could see how much happier I had been since March, and if Jasper was a part of the reason for that, he couldn't wait to officially meet him.

~*LoG*~

I stared at the open refrigerator, willing a plan for dinner to come to mind. I had been thinking for days about the perfect meal to serve my dad when introducing him to my vampire husband, but so far, nothing seemed to fit the bill.

Perhaps feeling my frustration, Jasper came to stand behind me, staring seriously into the fridge.

"Is this what humans normally do during meal preparation?" he playfully asked.

"No," I huffed. "I just haven't been able to think of the right thing to make, and it isn't exactly like you have any preferences I can cater to."

He kissed my neck as I shut the refrigerator door. "I think you should make whatever is easiest for you. I know I'll love _not eating_ whatever you make," he said.

"Thanks," I deadpanned while looking over the kitchen counters. "My dad is pretty observant. He would notice if you kept spitting food into your napkin or making trips to the bathroom. You're going to have to eat at least some of what I make."

I ignored his groan of protest and went to the fruit basket and picked up a tomato, hoping for some inspiration.

"You know, when my aunt was little, those were called _love apples_." He smirked.

I smiled both at the memory of Millie and because I now knew what to make for dinner. I started to grab the items for spaghetti and meatballs. Jasper picked up the box of pasta to read the instructions and started looking in cabinets for a pot.

"I'm afraid locating a pot may be the extent of my culinary expertise. You'll have to tell me what else to do," he said as he grabbed one and set it on the counter.

"You can chop the ingredients for the sauce." I pointed to the cutting board and got him a knife and everything else he would need. "Speaking of Millie, I think tonight is finally the night."

There had been many false starts to looking at the scrapbook Rosalie had compiled about Jasper's family. We had looked at some of the beginning, which held copies of Jasper's enlistment and regiment information, some property records, and his family tree. However, any time we got to the point where we might discover something we didn't already know, Jasper would close the book and say we would finish it another time.

"You're right. If I survive dinner with your dad tonight, then we can go back to the house afterward, and I promise we'll go through as much as you want."

"I think your survival is pretty much guaranteed." I rolled my eyes at him. "Unless of course, you're worried about me using garlic in the dinner tonight," I joked with him as I gathered what I needed to make the meatballs.

Suddenly he was behind me, making me jump. "You should know better than to make fun of a vampire," he said, pulling my hair to one side and exposing my neck.

"Why's that?" I asked. Goosebumps rose on my skin as he brought his cool mouth closer to my throat.

"Because . . ." He kissed my neck chastely. "We're notoriously poor sports." With that, he returned to his task.

I laughed at him and mixed an egg in with the meat, thinking about how different this night would be from the dinners I had been having with Charlie for the past few weeks.

"Jasper, I feel so bad for you," I said.

He glanced up from his chopping, amused. "Don't. I have a beautiful wife who, I'm sure, will soon find herself in my arms again."

"Ha. I mean you've been a vampire for one hundred forty-three years."

"Ah, so it's just now sinking in?" he asked with the corners of his mouth still turned up.

"_No_. I mean it's odd to think that you've not eaten human food in that long. You never got the chance to experience pizza, or Coke, or _bananas_."

He laughed as I grabbed him a pan in which to simmer the sauce.

"You've just missed out on eating so much."

"If you say so, Buttercup," he said as he transferred his ingredients to the saucepan on the stove.

"_Buttercup_?" I asked, rolling the meatballs and placing them on a baking sheet.

"Yes, _Buttercup_. I recall _you _being the Elvis fan."

I quirked my head, not sure what he meant.

"How quickly you've forgotten your serenade of 'Love Me Tender.'"

"Oh," I quickly blushed and hid my face by turning to the sink to wash my hands. "Of all the things for you to remember! I can't believe I did that. I don't know what I was thinking. It was so unlike me, and I have a terrible singing voice." I was rambling.

"Please don't insult my wife," he said, filling up the pasta pot with water while I put the meatballs in the oven. "I loved it, and you're welcome to sing for me anytime . . . Buttercup."

Seeing that I was still confused by the reference, he turned me to face him and softly started to sing, "When she touched my hand, what a chill I got. Her lips are like a volcano that's hot. I'm proud to say that she's my _buttercup_. I'm in love. I'm all shook up."

I couldn't help but laugh, and I had to wipe my eyes with the back of hand.

"You wound me, Madam," Jasper said, grasping a hand to his chest in mock pain.

"Sorry. As funny as it is to think of me breaking into song, it's even funnier when you do it."

"There's absolutely nothing funny about it. I'll have you know that all of us were great Elvis Presley fans," he told me as he put the spaghetti in the boiling water.

"Really? I can't imagine Carlisle liking rock 'n' roll," I said as I started to mix a salad.

He smirked in return. "Yes, even Carlisle. Having lived so long, we all have eclectic tastes, and our favorites generally stem from the time period when we were changed, but Elvis was one of the rare things upon which we all agreed. His music was a phenomenon to which not even _we_ were immune. It was absolutely amazing when Elvis really became popular about six years after Alice and I joined the Cullens."

I loved hearing his stories about his early days with the family. We just had to wait for the meatballs to bake, so I sat down at the table to listen to him as he leaned against the sink.

"Those first few years, I had been working on my diet and had been doing a good job of not thinking about humans as food. However, that was all they were: _not food_. It was much the same way a human vegetarian might think about a cow, except with no hint of affection. I apologize if that's too blunt."

"No, I'm fascinated by it—by everything you say," I told him honestly.

"Esme had the radio on one night, and this Southern boy came on, making music the likes of which we had never heard before. I was taken aback. This stranger—this human—had made me _feel_ something. He had created something that moved me. He had a worth, and for the first time since my change, I started to think of humans as more than just _not food_ but as creatures of value—_people_."

I was awed by his admission and grateful that he would share it with me—that he wouldn't hide that part of his nature from me.

"Well, then it just seems like kismet that I would choose to serenade you with an Elvis song," I said.

As soon as I had spoken, Jasper froze with a look of contemplation on his face.

"Is everything all right?" I asked. "Jasper?" He still didn't respond, and I started to stand to get his attention, but his face broke into a frown which quickly flashed to a look of wonder.

"Jasper?"

"I'm sorry. I was just thinking about what you said. Maybe it wasn't kismet that you sang Elvis to me but that I was destined to like Elvis _because_ you sang one of his songs. Ordinarily, I have perfect recall, but I'm trying to remember if there was some indicator that I had heard him before."

I crossed the room to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "It's an amazing and romantic idea that if for years you might have received all these tiny clues leading you back to me." I kissed the corner of his mouth.

"Yes. And sad as well, I suppose," he responded.

"So, I take it you're still an Elvis fan?" I said to lighten the mood and jumped up to start setting the table as Jasper moved to take the pasta off the stove to drain.

"Well, he _was_ the king." Jasper turned and smiled. "Soon after we heard him on the radio, I planned for all of us to go see him perform. Everyone was surprised I would take an interest in something so normal—so human—as going to a concert."

He put the pasta in a bowl and then held out a spoon for me to test the sauce as he continued. "We couldn't actually be in the stands, as it would have been too much for me to be surrounded by so many humans, but it was an outdoor performance, and we watched at a distance. We all had a wonderful time, Rosalie and Esme especially. They were so proud of me for making an effort. That night was the first time I really felt like we might actually be some sort of family."

"Making an effort to do what?" I asked.

"In short, to be like you. In our time living as a family, we've led an odd existence. We straddle a line of being outsiders in two worlds. Our attempt to place ourselves within human society and our diet keeps us excluded from much of the vampire world, and our nature and desire to keep a safe distance keeps us from ever truly assimilating to human culture."

"That sounds depressing . . . and lonely," I said as I pulled the meatballs out of the oven.

"It can be. I mean, it has been to some extent, but now I have you, and as long as I get to keep you, I'll live in any world you want."

"Keep me?" I scoffed. "Major Whitlock, you're stuck with me."

"Oh, is that right?" he asked, coming closer. "Well, I think I can handle that."

I went to mix the sauce and meatballs with the pasta, but he distracted me with a few moments of delicious kissing. I reluctantly pulled away, because Charlie would be home soon.

"You know, I don't recall you ever telling me whether or not you enjoyed the meatballs I made for your farewell dinner in 1862."

"I'm sure they were wonderful, but _I_ recall being too preoccupied with worrying about whether or not you would let me kiss you that evening before I left."

"Perhaps we should rectify that situation," I said with a glint in my eye.

"I believe you were just kissed, but I would happily oblige you again."

"I meant your appraisal of my meatballs," I said, cocking my eyebrow.

"I surely don't think that's a good idea. I'm already going to have to eat some when Charlie's here," he said, shaking his head.

"Oh, come on. I think you owe it to me." I fluttered my lashes.

"If I do this, just know that someday—once you're a vampire-I'm going to make _you_ eat a meatball, too."

I smiled demurely and stabbed a meatball with a fork before holding it up to him. Jasper looked at it disdainfully but dutifully took a small bite of it and then made a big show of uncomfortably chewing and swallowing.

"Again, I'm sure they were lovely in 1862," he said with a slight grimace.

I giggled at him. "That's all I'm going to get after you taste my grandma's family recipe?"

"Oh, I can give you much more than that," he said before grabbing me around the waist and kissing my mouth.

"Mmm. This may be my best batch yet, because they taste even better on your lips," I said before he dipped me back to kiss me thoroughly.

Just then, a throat cleared in the doorway. "Those . . . uh . . . must be some meatballs, Bells."

When I caught sight of my dad, I instantly turned red. I tried to push against Jasper, but he seemed content to let me up at a slow pace, as if Charlie finding us kissing in the kitchen was the most mundane thing in the world.

"They are indeed, Chief Swan."

"Just Charlie," my dad said with a hint of laughter, making my jaw drop a little.

"Well, Charlie, thank you for inviting me for dinner." Jasper kept his arm around my waist and extended his hand to shake my dad's.

Charlie grasped his hand and smiled. "If I'm going to be treated to homemade meatballs, you're welcome anytime. I hope you'll excuse me, but I'm going to change before we eat."

I looked quizzically at my dad as he headed toward the stairs. That hadn't been the gruff reception I was expecting. Charlie looked genuinely pleased to meet Jasper. I had thought there would be an awkward shuffling of feet and a mumble or two and maybe a "hmpf" for good measure. Instead, there was uncharacteristic "Call-me-Charlie" friendliness.

I had tried to avoid thinking about Edward, because in the back of my mind was always the worry that he was going to suddenly appear and make things difficult for us. I couldn't help but compare Charlie's reception of Jasper to Edward's, though, and they were worlds apart. I was more than a little suspicious.

"Did you have something to do with that?" I asked as I stepped away to move the food to the table while Jasper grabbed water glasses.

"With what?"

"With why he was so relaxed and . . . nice?"

Jasper chuckled and pulled out my chair for me before sitting down. "No, I most certainly did not. By all accounts, I thought your dad _was_ a nice guy. Why are you surprised?"

"He _is _nice. I was just shocked he didn't require a 'warming up' period."

"Oh, like _you _did," he joked.

"I did not need to warm up to you," I whispered as my dad came back downstairs.

Charlie scraped his chair across the floor as he sat down, now out of his uniform and dressed in jeans.

"This looks great, Bells. Thank you," he said as he started filling his plate.

"Sure thing, Dad."

Jasper only put a small amount of salad and pasta on his plate, but he spread them around to fill up the space.

As we ate, the conversation flowed smoothly among the three of us. I think my recent dinners with Charlie had made him more accustomed to talking while eating. I could tell he was letting Jasper lead the way around potentially emotional topics like why he was home from college, his family, and his adoption.

Jasper told a story I hadn't heard about fishing with his dad. He said it was the only memory he had of his dad when he was young, and I was proud of his honesty. It made me happy that even though he couldn't relay the specifics, he could still share some of his past with my dad.

"Did your sister ever join you?" Charlie asked.

"I don't think so. She wasn't exactly the fishing type," Jasper answered.

I smiled at my memories of Emily, and I was really looking forward to finally finding out what had happened to her after we had disappeared. I hadn't wanted to push Jasper, but I had been worried about her recovery from Yellow Fever.

"I know you all spend a lot of time hiking and camping, but Rosalie never struck me as the outdoorsy type," Charlie said, making my head snap up.

_Rosalie_?

"No, she isn't." Jasper laughed.

Of course. To my dad, Rosalie was Jasper's twin. It was remarkable how easily I could forget the cover story of who Jasper was supposed to be. I made sure to think before I spoke for the rest of the meal so I didn't mention the wrong thing, like his actual sister, Emily.

When we finished eating, the two of them were getting along so well, I sent them into the living room so I could rinse the dishes. Before he left the room, Jasper came to kiss my cheek.

"Thank you," he whispered seriously, but he was out of the room before I could ask him what he meant.

When I was done cleaning up, my dad was shaking Jasper's hand again by the door. "Remember what I said, and you two kids have fun tonight."

Jasper handed me my sweater as he opened the door to the evening's light drizzle.

In another uncharacteristic move, Charlie affectionately squeezed my shoulder as I headed outside. "Don't stay out too late."

When we climbed inside the new SUV Jasper had told my dad was his, I felt as if the night had been a dream.

"Did that all really go that well?"

"I would say so," Jasper said as he started the engine and backed out of the driveway.

"And you're sure you didn't affect Charlie's mood at all?" I pressed.

"His mood was sincere all night. I promise."

I turned toward him in the seat. "Two things. First, why did you thank me?"

He flashed his dimples as he watched the road. "I was appreciative of the opportunity to meet your father. It made me feel better about a lot of things, and I just liked the feeling of properly calling on my girl."

He reached over and squeezed my knee, and when he didn't move his hand, I reached down to hold it with my own.

"Number two?" he asked, rubbing circles on my hand with his thumb.

"What did my dad say to you in the living room?"

"The short version is that he was happy to meet me. He said that things felt different with me; it wasn't like I was taking you away from him but giving you back. He had noticed a real change in you since his friend's funeral. He was so grateful to see you happy that he wanted to thank me if I had anything at all to do with that happiness."

I frowned, again feeling bad about everything I had put Charlie through the previous fall and winter.

"We don't have to do anything soon. You can have as much time with Charlie as you would like, and your mom, too," Jasper said, trying to address my silence.

"What did he want you to remember?" I asked, skirting what Jasper had said.

"He said he knew he didn't _have_ to tell me to take good care of you, because he could feel that I would, but he wanted to say it anyway."

"I know you will, too," I said with a sad smile on my face as we pulled into the Cullen driveway.

I was thankful my dad had gotten the opportunity to see me happy with Jasper. I felt a little selfish not wanting to introduce him to my mom, but sometimes when I thought of saying goodbye to her for _forever_, my heart hurt. Whenever we spoke on the phone, there was a hope and happiness there. I just wanted to hold onto those memories instead of making a new one—the last one I would have.

Jasper didn't say anything as he parked the car in the garage and came to open my door. I pushed away my sadness as I looked up at him.

"Okay, enough about my family, Mr. Whitlock. It's time to find out about yours."

* * *

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**Author's Note: I hope you liked dinner with Charlie. I love hearing your thoughts, and my review replies always include a teaser for the next chapter.**

**Expect a short delay on Chapter 27, Part 2 due to the holidays over the next week. Happy Canada Day to my neighbors to the north and happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans! **


	28. Chapter 28

**SM owns everything important, and I owe a huge debt of gratitude to JaspersDestiny, JointGifts, and McGee42. **

* * *

**Chapter 28:**

* * *

We were sitting on Jasper's bed with the scrapbook between us, and he hesitantly reached for the cover.

I wasn't sure of the exact reasons for his reticence, but I didn't want him to be uncomfortable—no matter how much I was dying to read it.

"Jasper, I don't want to push you into looking through this if it isn't the right time," I said, stilling his hand.

He sighed. "I don't know what I'm afraid of, but we've waited long enough."

"Would you rather me look at it first or have you do it alone?" I offered.

"No. It's only right that we look at it together. It's _our _story now."

He opened the book to where we had previously stopped at Jasper's rise through the ranks of the army. Again, my eyes glanced down the page, and I was amazed at all he had accomplished in such a short period. I sincerely hoped he could feel my pride.

I watched his face to monitor his reaction as I turned to the next page. He remained absolutely still but appeared sure of our decision to continue.

I saw that we were looking at a yellowed front page from _The Tri-Weekly News_ bearing the headline: "The Recapture of Galveston." I was saddened by the condition of the paper. The last time I had seen a copy, it had been crisp and freshly printed. The constant reminders of how much time had passed still hadn't gotten an easier.

Jasper read aloud the details of the assault on the Yankee ship _Harriet Lane _and how the Union suffered nearly two hundred casualties.

"There were only fifty Confederate casualties and a one Major Jasper Whitlock reported missing in action," he read.

I touched my finger to the frail paper and traced over the line of text bearing his name. How could that be all they had to say about him? There were no guesses as to how or where he had disappeared, and there was certainly no ink spared to describe his virtues. I was angry that this newspaper had failed to comprehend what the loss of Jasper had meant to so many people who loved him.

I scooted backward on the bed before I could start crying and chance ruining the fragile newsprint.

"Come here," Jasper said, pulling me to him and wrapping his arms around me. "Care to tell me exactly what has you so upset?"

I pressed my face against him. "I just can't believe that's all they said. They didn't even say anything about you. It's like you were just a name."

"In the grand scheme of war, I was just a name—Major or not. Notice that none of the fifty men who lost their lives is even named on this page. They would have all been listed on the back casualty page. Being a name certainly beats being a number."

No matter how Jasper tried to justify it, I couldn't help but feel slighted by the brief mention of his name. I hoped that his family was at least given more information about his loss and shown more sympathy.

"Would you like to continue?" Jasper asked.

I wiped my eyes as he leaned away from me, and I repositioned myself to look at the book.

"You can keep reading," I told him.

"Due to successful evacuations, there were no confirmed civilian casualties during the land siege. However, there was the suspected death of a young woman who soldiers claim was traveling from Houston to Galveston in search of her husband, reportedly, the missing Ma—" He stopped.

"Does it say anything else?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"That's where the page ends."

_It couldn't be. _Was that _me _they were talking about? I shook my head in disbelief but started to smile.

"I can't believe it," Jasper whispered. "Rosalie, could you please join us?" he asked in a fractionally louder voice.

Rosalie quickly appeared in the room. "Find anything interesting?" she asked.

She sounded casual, and it seemed impossible that she could have known something about my trip to 1863 before it had happened.

"Can you tell us anything about the bottom of this page?" Jasper asked her.

She cast her eyes at the page briefly. "I took that copy from a research library. They'd had some water damage to their archives, and the bottom of the page had been affected. I didn't think it would be a problem because the part about you was further up."

"Take another look at the last paragraph," I told her.

As she read it, Jasper grabbed my hand. "Yeah?" she asked when she was finished.

Jasper winked at me and slowly smiled as well.

"I don't get what that has to do with you," Rosalie said.

Jasper's head tilted to the side to indicate me.

"No fucking way," she whispered. "That's _you_?"

I squeezed Jasper's hand. "We can't be sure, but it seems unlikely that more than one unidentified female would be riding from Houston to find her husband in the middle of a battle."

"And then mysteriously disappear," Jasper added.

The flabbergasted expression on Rosalie's face was priceless. "Remarkable. The two of you said it happened, and I believed you, but seeing this in print is just . . . I can't comprehend it," she said.

"I just wish we had the rest of the page. It might be wishful thinking, but I think the paper was identifying me as the wife of the missing major." I looked at Jasper.

"I agree. At least, I hope."

"I can't believe I could have overlooked something like this." Rosalie still appeared shocked.

"Rose, there's no way you could have read the proper meaning out of this portion of text without knowing the context you do now," Jasper said sincerely.

"Yes, but I could have gathered that you had had a wife in your time."

"No, you couldn't. There certainly wouldn't have been any other records to confirm that story," I told her before turning to Jasper. "I have to believe that's what the rest of the sentence said, though. That way, there would be some small explanation for your family of how I disappeared."

He ran his thumb over my face, soothing the anxious lines on my forehead.

"I just can't stand the thought of Millie thinking I would leave without saying goodbye or thank you."

"I don't think we'll find any more answers about you, but let's find out the rest of Millie's story," he said, kissing between my eyebrows and pushing the book toward me. "Thank you for coming in, Rosalie."

She nodded and was out the door again before I could say anything else to her.

I carefully turned the page and found a photocopy of a creased marriage certificate. I smiled; Emily had clearly survived her bout of Yellow Fever.

"I hereby certify that Mr. Paul A. Dearborn and Miss Emily E. Whitlock were united in holy matrimony this thirteenth day of April, one thousand eight hundred and sixty-five, in law and in the custom of the church," I read.

I wondered what she would have worn, what a wedding in the 1860s would have looked like, and I was sorry Jasper and I weren't there on her special day.

"It was almost exactly a year after the war ended. She would have been nineteen in April." Jasper looked as if he would have had tears in his eyes if it were possible.

"She would have been beautiful," I said, rubbing my hand on his arm.

"I know. _You _would have been beautiful. You would have been one of her bridesmaids, and you would have helped her with her hair that morning, just like she would have helped you on the day we shared our vows with our family . . ." He trailed off and looked so distant.

I went to place my hand comfortingly on his cheek, but he evaded my touch. Instead, he bolted from the bed and started pacing.

"I'm not sure if I can do this. I'm sorry. I know I said that we would finally find out today, but I just don't know if I can."

He was moving so quickly in the room, I had a hard time gauging the exact look on his face. He had a firm lock on his emotions, but his whole demeanor screamed frustration and pain. It hurt me to see Jasper like this. He had seen and survived so much—both as a human and vampire—that I had a difficult time comprehending how the information in the scrapbook could affect him so deeply.

"Jasper, if you're worried about how your family would have felt about what happened to you after—"

"That's not it," he practically roared as he stopped moving.

He had never directed a harsh tone toward me, and I was taken aback. When he saw my reaction, his face softened.

"_That's not it_. That should be _our _wedding certificate. Our story should be in that book!"

I sighed, touched by the love I could feel from him. "It wouldn't have worked that way, though."

"I know. I keep coming up with this circular argument that if I weren't a vampire in 2006, we never would have met in 1863, only to be together again in 2006. However, that doesn't stop me from wanting what we will never have—what we were never given the chance to have."

"I'm thrilled with the life we have now," I insisted.

"I can see it, Bella. I can see our whole life together—how it was supposed to be . . . what _you_ deserved to have, and maybe . . . what I deserved, too. "

I couldn't stand seeing his defeated expression. "We're not going back to this argument. I told you when I first woke up here that I wanted you however I got you. I can no longer mourn the lifetime we didn't get, especially since now we'll forever together."

I patted the bed near me, hoping he would rejoin me. "I'm sorry," he said as he sat down.

"I appreciate the sentiment, I do. We're bound to have some conflicts; I actually _want_ us to disagree from time to time, but not about this. We can't keep looking back or thinking about 'what could have been.' I want to know the fate of your family but not if this is going to be the cost."

"You're right," he said, looking contrite.

"What was that?" I jested.

"_You're right_." He good-naturedly bumped his shoulder into mine and grinned. "I don't know where these bouts of doubt come from, but I just want to do right by you."

I kissed his smooth cheek. "You always do right by me, and when we're done looking through the scrapbook, you can _really_ do right by me." I winked. "Now, who's Paul Dearborn?" I asked, pointing to the certificate.

"Ah, you should remember him."

I tried to recall the different men I had met during my time with the Whitlocks, but it was hard to remember anyone specific, as I had only had eyes for Jasper.

"I'm drawing a blank."

"Well, we have Mr. Dearborn to thank for our first 'date' alone. He's the reason Emily didn't join us on our ride to the north pasture."

"I thought Emily didn't come with us because she'd injured her ankle the night before." I wished I had been blessed with Jasper's newly found, exact recall of these memories.

"Yes, but she hurt her ankle because she overexerted herself while dancing with Paul."

As soon as he told me, I instantly remembered hearing the story from a furious Thad, and I chuckled at the memory. "Your dad was not pleased at all. I seem to recall him declaring Paul Dearborn too old for her."

"He obviously changed his tune," Jasper said, also enjoying the memory of his dad. "I'm sure the war changed his mind about a lot of things."

His smile faded as he turned the page to see an obituary dated seven years after Emily's marriage certificate.

Oh, Thad. He would have been only fifty-two. I felt so bad for Rebecca having lost both men in her life so seemingly close together. I sat with my hand over my mouth, lost in thought, before turning to see Jasper's reaction.

"_This _I expected. I didn't quite expect my reaction to thinking about my sister's wedding, but I knew my family was all gone."

"It still must be painful to see the reminder of it, though."

He nodded and started to read. "News has been received announcing the sudden death of Thaddeus L. Whitlock of Houston, Texas. The funeral will take place in the family home on Tuesday. He leaves his daughter, Emily Dearborn neé Whitlock and her children; wife, Rebecca; and sister, Mildred, to mourn his departure. His sons, the honored Major Jasper Whitlock and Baby Jonathan, preceded him. We tender our sympathies to the bereaved."

"I hadn't realized you had a brother," I said, unsure of what else to say.

"I didn't know, either," he said quietly. "I remember very few things from before my time with you, but it wouldn't have been odd for a family to lose a child in that time."

Without another comment about his brother or father, he flipped to a page filled with names.

"What is this?" I asked Jasper.

"It appears to be a census page from 1879."

I leaned closer to try to read the faint spidery writing, but I could only decipher numerals.

"Can you make this out?" I paused. "Wait—of course_ you_ can."

He winked. "Soon, you'll be able to read it, too." He returned his attention to the record and broke out into a huge smile. "Emily and Paul were certainly busy."

"How's that?"

"Read these numbers," he told me, pointing to a group of seven numbers in a column.

"Thirty-six, thirty-two, eleven, ten, eight, five, two." I wasn't sure if these numbers were supposed to bear any significance.

"They're ages," he prompted.

I gasped, realizing what he meant about staying busy. "They had five children!"

I had a hard time imagining _one_ child, let alone five. I was sure Emily would have done a wonderful job at raising so many children, though.

"Your parents must have been thrilled."

He didn't reply.

The whole experience of looking through the book had been an emotional rollercoaster for both of us. I felt bad that Jasper would have been feeling both his own emotions and mine. The information about his sister should have been good news, but he was oddly silent. I wished he would project so I would have had at least an idea of how he was feeling.

"Don't you think they would have been happy?" I asked.

"We said before that they would have loved being grandparents, but I think the birth of two of Emily's children would have been bittersweet occasions for my family." Before I could voice my confusion, he continued.

"Her first child was a boy she named Phillip Jasper Dearborn."

I put my hand on his arm. "I know your parents would have appreciated it. _I _appreciate it."

"Then you'll appreciate this even more. Their first daughter was named Annabella. I'm sure it was after you."

"We can't be certain—" I started.

"I can. Emily loved you and saw you like a sister."

I was indeed very touched if she had named her little girl in honor of me. The idea of someone born in the late 1800s being named after me—born in the 1990s—struck me as hilarious.

I was relieved to see the next piece of information in the book was also a pleasant one. We read an article in the Houston paper about Millie. Apparently, her dear friend Frances McCall had joined her in living at the farmhouse, and they had opened up a dress shop in the front room.

After that was piece printed in 1885 about the closing of Whitlock & McCall Dressmakers, which had been open for fifteen years. It was accompanied by a grainy photo of Millie and Frances in their sixties, standing on the porch of the house with their arms happily around the other's waist.

I was so happy for her I could have clapped. "That was exactly what Millie had always wanted to do. I'm so glad she realized her dream. She and Frances both had so much talent."

"Hmm. I'm a little saddened at the thought that Aunt Millie never married."

I wasn't sure how much Jasper knew about his aunt, but marriage never would have been her idea of happiness. "Oh, no, this was just the life she would have wanted," I confidently told him.

"I hate the thought of her alone, though."

I looked down at the aged photo of the two smiling women who had meant so much to each other. "She wasn't alone; she had Frances."

Our lucky streak was broken with the next page of the book. Instead of an obituary, it simply bore a death certificate for Rebecca. She would have been sixty-seven, and I was pleased to see it listed her cause of death in 1890 as from "natural causes of age." It was odd that there hadn't been an obituary for her, though. I made a note to ask Rosalie about it later. Rebecca had always been so kind to me and had welcomed me into her home; I couldn't go without knowing what had happened to her.

"Christmas will always remind me of your mother. She made me feel like family," I told Jasper as he silently flipped to the next section.

If there were such a thing as a vampire being on the verge of tears, Jasper would have been. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and kissed my temple, seemingly overcome with emotion but attempting to comfort me.

The grief continued when we came to Millie's death notice, printed in 1900.

"Mildred "Millie" Eliza Whitlock, aged seventy, went to meet her maker on Sunday. She patiently endured her illness and died, as all God's faithful ones have died, triumphantly trusting His promises. In her final days, she was tended by her loyal and long-time friend, Frances McCall. She is survived by the family of her niece, Mrs. Paul Dearborn."

"I hope it wasn't painful," I said when Jasper was done reading.

"Even if it was, Millie would have never let on about it for even a second."

"No, she certainly wouldn't have." I laughed, despite wiping at the tears burning my eyes.

Jasper rubbed my back gently as we sat in silence for a moment while looking back at the photo of Millie. Even though there were soft lines on her face and light streaks in her hair, there was still an unmistakable youthfulness about her. Her smile was beaming, and I could easily recognize the woman I once knew.

I didn't want to think about saying goodbye to Millie just yet, so I turned to a genealogical record listing Emily's date of death in 1930 with a reported reason of heart complications. It would be another thing for us to explore, perhaps.

Then there was a family tree of Emily's descendants and a series of property deeds. It seemed that the original Whitlock land had been parceled off to each of the grandchildren as they came to age. Some of the children got larger portions than others, and it appeared that was because some of the acreage was used just for houses and others were for farmland.

I looked at one of the later maps and tried to locate where the north pasture would have been, but I wasn't familiar enough with the farm to find it among the bisecting lines. When I asked Jasper where it would have been, he pointed to a spot in the middle of two sections.

"It doesn't seem to have been developed by the 1930s," I said hopefully.

"I imagined they would have used it for farmland, as it was so close to the existing cotton field. However, this latest map of the land is still approaching one hundred years old," he countered.

I knew Jasper wanted to prepare me for the likely situation that our special spot might now be a subdivision or multi-plex, but I had to hold out hope that it could be serving as a field or reclaimed forest. Maybe it was the location of a single house, one not dissimilar to the home we would have built.

"Sweetheart, we should be glad the land stayed in the family this long," he said, trying to cheer me up.

"I know." I sighed. "Rosalie doesn't have any more deeds?"

"No. These things are a matter of public record, though, so we can look up what happened to the land after the Depression. We can even find recent aerial photography of the land to know for sure what became of it."

I shook my head. "I think I'm better off not knowing." I put my head on his shoulder. "Thank you for offering, though. If you want to know, please go ahead and find out. Just don't tell me afterward."

He kissed my hair. "No, I feel the same way you do. If we never know for sure, it will always stay the same in our minds."

I turned my face so that I was looking directly into his eyes. "Well, we'll have forever to find new special places," I said before leaning in to kiss him.

.

.

.

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**Author's Note: Our journey is quickly coming to an end. The next chapter is the last regular chapter before the epilogue. In advance, I want to thank all of you for taking this journey with me. This week, LoG hit over 4,000 reviews, and I don't take that lightly by any means. I am constantly blown away by your support and kind words.**

**I love hearing your thoughts about the story, and my review replies will have a teaser for the next chapter. **


	29. Chapter 29

**Author Note: This is the final (shor****t** and swee**t**) chapter, though an epilogue will go up sometime next week. I owe the biggest debt of gratitude to my dream team: JaspersDestiny, JointGifts, and McGee42. You wouldn't believe the rubbish you might be reading if it weren't for those three. Thank you all so much for taking this journey with me; I have been blown away and overjoyed by your response. An extra note of appreciation goes to those who have been with "Leaves of Grass" since the beginning and the ladies of the forum who have always been so supportive (and downright hilarious!). 

**Make sure you have me on author alert to know about the posting of "In Midnight Sleep"-the Jasper POV companion piece to "Leaves of Grass." I will try to have a sneak-peek available to epilogue reviewers. **

**I would love to hear what you thought about the chapter and the story as a whole. **

**Without further ado . . . **

* * *

**Chapter 29**

Graduation was an emotionally difficult day. It wasn't because I was nervous or nostalgic about leaving high school. There was a constant weight on my shoulders because I would soon be—in essence—graduating from humanity, and it kept me from being in a celebratory mood.

My "early-enrollment college program" was starting the following week, and I insisted graduation day be as normal as it could be. No fuss. No party. I was worried too much fanfare would actually be depressing, as it would only serve to remind me that I was leaving for good.

As much as I loved Alice, I didn't want her flitting around me while I got ready for the ceremony either. I wanted to go through the actions of preparing for graduation at a human pace, and if my hair wasn't perfect or my mortarboard was skewed, so be it.

Alice didn't give me the fight I had expected. Instead, she simply said, "It's not like it'll be your last high school graduation anyway."

That was another argument for another day.

Charlie had actually added a bit of pomp and circumstance to the day. We were walking out the front door when I noticed a "Congratulations, Graduate!" balloon tethered to the mailbox.

"They had them at the grocery store," Charlie shyly offered as an explanation when we sat in the cruiser. I cocked my head to the side and smiled at him in appreciation as he drove the short distance. He looked nice in his shirt and tie but inexplicably nervous.

"Dad, I promise I won't fall, if that's what you're worried about. I mean, at least I'll try not to."

He chuckled as he pulled into the parking lot. "You'll do fine. You always do. Your old man's just feeling particularly old today, but I'm really proud of you."

We got out of the car, and he came over and looked down at the cap in my hands, giving my tassel a light tug. "You said Esme is filming this for your mom tonight, right?"

"Yep. It should be all set."

We did an awkward, shuffling half-hug before we parted ways so I could line up with the rest of my class for the processional.

I knew Jasper and the Cullens were in the audience, but I purposefully didn't look for them once I entered the gym. Alice was a few rows ahead of me with the "Cs," and when we first sat down, she turned around and smiled brightly at me. The family was here to cheer for me as well as to play their parts in celebrating Alice's graduation, but we had decided that tonight would be a night just for Charlie and me.

As I took my place in the line leading up to the stage, I found my dad in the crowd, and he was beaming. I smiled and quickly looked forward before I did something foolish like miss my name being called.

At the beginning of the ceremony, the principal had requested applause be held until all the names were called. However, when Mr. Greene announced, "Isabella Marie Swan," a definite "whoop" came from somewhere in the crowd.

My head shot up, and I instantly thought I'd find Emmett to blame, but instead I saw Charlie standing and clapping in the middle of a seated audience. I blushed and gave a small wave as he quickly sat down. He also looked a little red-faced, as it wasn't every day the chief of police flouted authority.

When all the diplomas were conferred and every cap tossed, it took a while to make it out of the packed gym. Jasper and his family made their way through the throngs of bodies to come hug me briefly, shake Charlie's hand, and snap some photos. Jasper kissed my cheek and whispered that he'd see me later in the evening.

After assuring Charlie she had everything on video, Esme told him they were taking Alice to dinner in Port Angeles. Charlie asked if I wanted to join them, but I declined, saying I wanted a night where it was just the two of us.

We had eaten something light before heading to the school, and Charlie said he wanted to forego the traditional dinner at The Lodge and head home. He had apparently picked up something special for us at the grocery store. If the balloon had been a surprise, Charlie meal planning was an even bigger one.

We hadn't been in the house more than thirty seconds before Charlie rushed to the kitchen to proclaim, "I've got spoons!"

I rounded the corner to see him pulling out bowls from the cabinet to set next to a quart of chocolate ice cream. He directed me to the fridge and started to scoop while I grabbed the whipped cream.

I couldn't remember the last time we had had chocolate ice cream and whipped cream together, but it was the first thing we had always eaten to celebrate my arrival in Forks every summer. It seemed like we had come full circle to herald the fact that I was leaving.

"This is perfect, Dad."

"I may not be the hippest, but I can still show you a good time," he joked. "Let me make it a little more festive."

He set the bowls on the kitchen table and walked back over to the counter to turn on the radio. The room was filled with the happy sounds of the Oldies, thanks to one of the only clear stations you could find in Forks.

"I couldn't believe you didn't want to go out with your friends tonight or have a party," he said, sitting down next to me and digging into his ice cream.

"I'll have—" _forever _ "—plenty of opportunities to hang out with other people, but I'm leaving, and I wanted to spend tonight with you."

I hoped my voice hadn't betrayed how emotionally loaded that statement was. He grinned, and I knew he was glad it was just the two of us, too.

We continued to eat our ice cream, occasionally kidding each other about whipped cream mustaches, when one of Charlie's old favorites came on the radio.

_I've got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May._

I could remember one summer when we were loading up the freezer with fish, and my dad had stopped what he was doing when "My Girl" came on the radio. "Have a dance for your dad?" he had asked before twirling me around the kitchen.

The memory made me smile, and I dropped my spoon into my empty bowl before standing up from the table.

"Think you have one more in you?" I asked, holding out my hand to him.

He pushed his chair back. "I'm surprised you remember that," he said as he came to clasp my hand and put one hand on my waist.

We weren't the smoothest dancers, but as I put my head on his shoulder, those details didn't matter. I tried to burn the memory into my mind so I would never forget it.

My dad smelled like his cedar closet, a hint of bottled pine, and the deep, earthy smell that pervaded most of the Olympic Peninsula. I pushed myself a little closer to him, and he squeezed my hand before putting his chin on my head. It was as if we were both desperately clinging to what _was _for a few moments longer.

When the song ended, Charlie broke away first and turned to grab the bowls.

"Dad, I'll get those." I tried to stop him.

He coughed and kept his back to me. "No, I can take care of a couple dishes. I need to get back into the habit of doing it myself anyway." His voice sounded a little rough, and I was glad he wasn't facing me. I wouldn't have been able to handle seeing tears in his eyes.

He turned on the water, and I started for the stairs. "Thanks for the dance, Bells."

"Sure thing. Good night." I could have said so many other things.

_Thank you for letting me live with you, for giving me the chance to know you._

I turned around and walked back up to him, hugging him around the waist from behind. "I love you, Dad." His eyes were glued to the already clean bowl in the sink.

He nodded. "You, too, kiddo," he said in a tight voice and turned his face toward me enough that I could kiss his cheek.

I slipped quietly upstairs and shut my door before lying down. After a while, I heard Charlie come up, go through his nightly bathroom routine, and retire to bed. At the first sound of his snoring, I finally broke down.

_I'll miss _y_ou. I'll miss this._

Grieving for my human life and for the family I would never see again would be an ongoing process, but I wanted to get as much of it out of my system as I could. When I left to face my life with Jasper, I wanted to do it with only joy in my heart. I wanted him to know I thought this was our "happily ever after."

Soon, I felt the cool traces of a finger on the back of my neck followed by a kiss. Jasper didn't say anything or attempt to alter my mood; he simply stayed with me as I cried.

After I had long-since wiped my eyes, I rolled over to look at him. His face was lit by the moon, and he looked just as in love with me as he had the first time I had seen him in that light.

I blinked as he switched on my lamp, and for the first time since he arrived, he spoke. "I came by the house earlier tonight, but I left because I didn't want to intrude."

I softly kissed his chin in response.

"When I came up to the house, I saw you dancing with your dad. He was so happy and proud of you. It really meant a lot to him," Jasper said, brushing my hair with his fingers.

"It meant a lot to me, too."

"I'm glad you had that opportunity, and I'm sorry that when we have a wedding, you won't get the chance to dance with him then."

I raised my head up, confused. "I don't want another wedding. The one we had just the two of us was good enough for me. It was perfect," I insisted.

"It was," he said, leaning down to kiss my lips. "I thought you might want to have one with the family at some point."

"No." I shook my head. "I just wish my grass ring had survived the time travel," I said wistfully.

He was quiet for a moment, and we listened to the sounds of the night around us.

"I have something for you," he said, breaking the silence.

"I thought we agreed on no graduation presents."

Jasper laughed. "It is a gift, but it has nothing to do with graduation."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, black box. I hesitantly took it out of his hand. I was a little worried about what might be inside, but Jasper knew I didn't like extravagances. I opened it to find a delicate metal band crafted to look like braided blades of grass.

For a moment, I swear my heart stopped. I could only stare at it. It was beautiful and perfect.

"Where did you . . .?" I trailed off.

"I had it commissioned."

I beamed at him, and he reached over to take it from the box.

"I knew you missed having a ring, and I wanted you to have one that would always remind you of your first. This one is certainly more durable."

I chuckled and leaned up to kiss him. "I love you."

I moved to put on the ring, but he stilled my hand. "Let me." He slid the ring onto my finger. "I celebrate myself, and what I assume, you shall assume, for every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you," he quoted from Whitman and our original vows before kissing my finger.

I grabbed his hand and placed it over my heart, repeating the same words before kissing his lips, once again completing our promise to each other.

As I held my face near his, I knew I was ready to face our tomorrow and every other day that would follow.


	30. Chapter 30

My most heartfelt appreciation goes to JaspersDestiny, JointGifts, McGee42, and all of you for reading. This ends our journey.

Those who review will get a teaser for the companion piece, "In Midnight Sleep," though it may take a few weeks. Until then . . .

* * *

**Epilogue**

Since becoming a vampire, I discovered that when you have an overabundance of time, its fluidity begins to change.

There were weeks that seemed to disappear and fold into each other. I was no longer moving to the pulsing rhythm of human life or within the normal bonds of time. Though some periods—especially in the beginning—seemed to slow until they became static. There wasn't much of an ebb and flow when I was held captive by constant distraction and the random minutiae calculated at every breath, step, sound, or sensation.

Regardless of the pace of my new life, Jasper was my constant. I was grounded by his love. With everything swirling around me, I tried to remain focused on my feelings for him, but I wasn't always successful. At times, my emotions were so wild that it couldn't have been easy for him as an empath.

I still had yet to cut ties with my parents, and there were days when I struggled with crippling guilt because eventually, I would have to "kill" their only child. Whenever I suffered these extreme bouts, I attempted to stay away from Jasper so he wouldn't need to share my pain. However, we were only ever far enough apart to ease my conscience. Even without his gift or even his physical presence, he was my comfort

My "early-enrollment college program" turned into studying abroad in northern Africa, where Renée and Charlie thought I was pursuing a degree in archeology. I joked with Jasper that my course of study stemmed from my love of all things old—like him.

My parents were both remarkably understanding about my limited communication. Jasper suggested I extend my education to include a master's and doctorate, so I could continue having a relationship with them. I wasn't sure how much longer they could be convinced by my excuses not to visit or video conference, but I was desperate to keep them in my life as long as possible.

During this early time, I was also plagued by paranoia. I was relieved when Jasper told me suspicion was normal for a newborn vampire, but I constantly felt the need to be on the alert for the Volturi and Edward.

The Volturi were surprisingly accepting of our new circumstances, and when part of the guard came to Seattle to take care of some renegade newborns, they were appeased by the news that my change had already occurred in the wilderness of Canada. Carlisle just had to promise we would eventually verify this with a trip to Italy.

As for Edward, I was convinced he was going to come crashing into our lives to destroy our happiness or to exact some sort of revenge on Jasper.

When the Cullens first joined us in Alberta, shortly after my change, Alice assured us Edward wasn't a threat. However, when she left to follow a vision of her potential mate, my feelings of unease returned.

I thought I was prepared for all of the possible scenarios of Edward's reappearance in our lives, but I had never expected him to do so by post.

Six months after my transformation, I received a letter in which he begged my forgiveness—for both times he had left me. Edward wrote that, while things were still hard for him, he did wish Jasper and me every happiness, as he'd only ever wanted what was best for me. He hoped if Alice was right, and he and I were never meant to be, that he, too, would find his mate one day.

Jasper encouraged me to write him back, saying it would be a relief, and the two of them even began their own correspondence. I wasn't sure how I would have fared seeing Edward in person, but I knew letter writing was an art I had mastered.

It wasn't just important that I clear the air with Edward for my own emotional wellbeing, but it needed to happen if all of the Cullens were ever going to live together again.

To that same sentiment, Edward told me that when we _were_ living as a family, he would try his hardest to gladly call me his sister, or maybe just his sister-in-law, or—at the very least—his friend. Friendship was something we'd never had, and I realized I wanted that with him.

As a vampire, while I knew we were physically super-human, we were emotionally much the same. We, by no means, had all the answers. I'd spent so much time deifying Edward when we were together, and I had just as mistakenly been vilifying him since. He'd made a mistake—one that had devastated me at the time—but it had eventually led me to my happy ending. For that alone, he deserved some of my gratitude instead of my vitriol. He was indeed a good guy—just not the _right_ one for me.

Gradually, through our letters, an appreciation and friendship _did_ develop, and I was so proud of how much he seemed to grow. He eventually told me that, even though we weren't meant to be together forever, I had given him the gift of his humanity and let him see perhaps he wasn't a soulless monster after all.

I was busy putting parts of my past to rights and trying to recall the rest. Every day, Jasper told me a story of our time together so I would know our memories, even if I couldn't remember them. He showed me pictures of our months before my change and the scrapbook picture of Millie on her front porch to remind me of where our heated reunion had taken place.

One day, we were sitting outside after a hunt, reminiscing about some of my funnier human moments with Rosalie and Carlisle. The deck shone slightly with the evidence of our reflections in the sun, and perched on a porch swing next to each other, Rosalie and Carlisle truly looked like the siblings they were currently portraying.

Jasper brushed a piece of debris out of my hair and said, "You know, if you really want to jog your memory about what Texas looks like, we could always take a trip. Peter and Charlotte are currently living in the South, and I know they would love to meet you."

I hesitated to answer, and Carlisle spoke up. "Bella, you're more than ready to take a vacation if that's what you're worried about."

I shook my head. I wasn't concerned about my control around humans. I hadn't needed to be restrained in over a year, and I even felt comfortable running a short errand in town by myself now.

"I definitely would like to meet Peter and Charlotte, but I do recall once telling you I didn't want to see a mini-mart where we said our vows."

I looked at Jasper, worried about his response, but he was busy looking at a confused Carlisle.

"You didn't tell them?" Carlisle asked Rosalie.

I wondered if he was talking about something I didn't remember, but Jasper appeared to be equally in the dark.

"It was going to be a wedding present. It never occurred to me _someone _wouldn't want a real wedding." She looked at me pointedly.

Both she and Alice had brought up from time to time how much I might like to have wedding photos or at least have a clear memory of pledging my love to Jasper. I had told them I remembered my vows every time I looked at him, which had earned me an exaggerated eye roll and a pillow to the head. Thankfully, Esme had thrown them off by saying I had all of eternity to change my mind.

"Well?" Jasper prodded.

"Remember when Bella wanted to know if I had any more Whitlock deeds? Well, there's one more. When I was doing the research on your family, Emmett noticed some of their land was for sale."

"When?" I asked her, absolutely shocked.

"1957."

"And?" I asked.

"And, we bought it—for you," she addressed Jasper.

"You didn't think to tell me this in over fifty years?"

"You told me whatever I found was for my own knowledge; you had no interest in even looking at the book until Bella did. Emmett said he would maintain the property until a time when you might be interested in knowing about it."

Her expression wavered between being indignant and being cautious of Jasper's reaction. His face, however, was devoid of emotion.

"You knew about this, Carlisle?" he asked.

"Yes," Carlisle said hesitantly. "I believe we all did. It wasn't kept from you maliciously, and I knew you would appreciate it someday. I own property near where I was raised in England, Edward still owns his parents' house in Chicago, and Emmett has a parcel of land in Tennessee."

We all fell silent when Carlisle was done, waiting for Jasper to respond. I wasn't sure what could be negative about this situation, but he was certainly keeping us in suspense. The seconds crawled by before Jasper's face lit up with a massive smile.

"How soon can you get packed, Buttercup?"

~*LoG*~

Jasper and I had left the car at a roadside motel and were traveling the rest of the way by foot. We were far enough outside of Houston that we didn't worry about being spotted, and I was overjoyed to find the landscape still largely pastoral. There was nary a car dealership or strip mall in sight.

We darted in and out of the trees lining the gently dipping fields. Whenever we would come to an open patch, Jasper would tilt his face up to take in the vast, pink-tinged sky.

Everything about this place seemed so different from where we had been living in Canada. I had become accustomed to a certain crispness, even in summer. Here in Texas, the air was thick with the smell of cut grass, and it had a heavy weight to it that wrapped you in a warm hug.

Gone were the crystalline and breathtaking vistas of the Rockies. Instead, we were welcomed by softer and more subtle beauties, like the families of bugs that would float up from the long grass as we ran past, the gentle hum of tractors in the distance, and the shimmers of heat dancing above the surface of the narrow country roads.

Jasper came to a sudden stop near a white farmhouse. The paint was fresh, but its lines weren't exactly straight or plumb, giving away its age. It was obvious that through the long life of the house, there had been various additions, and the line of the roof had been altered.

I could hear that no one was home, so I ventured closer, stepping around a discarded bicycle in the yard and making my way to sit on a swing set.

"Any particular reason you wanted to stop here?" I asked as I pushed off and started to swing.

Jasper came up behind me and, in a very human move, began to push me. "Imagine a barn right there," he said, pointing to a grove of trees.

I gasped, and he grabbed the chains to stop me from moving. "Recognize it?"

"This was Millie's house!" I recalled it more from the photo I had seen than from my own murky memories. I kept staring at the trees, trying to visualize the barn from where I had seen an unidentified rider make his way toward the house. I wished the memory was clearer in my mind.

I smiled at the memory. "I can't believe it's still here. Millie would be so happy."

I got up and crossed to the house to peer in the screened windows. The floor plan had been changed, but Jasper pointed out the current homeowners had a piano in exactly the same spot where Millie had once had one.

"There's a car coming. We should go, but we can come back another day."

"I'd like that," I said, grabbing his hand and heading back toward the surrounding woods.

We continued on our way, gravitating closer to the road until we were walking along its shaded edge at a human pace. When I heard a vehicle approaching, I had to fight my instinct to run back into the woods to avoid detection, but Jasper held firm and assured me that in the growing dusk our skin would look normal. As the truck crested the hill in our direction, the older man driving it gave us a little wave. We both raised our hands in reply, and once he was out of sight, I burst into giggles, delighted at how ordinary I felt.

Right next to the road, we came to a black iron fence surrounded by tall weeds dotted with Queen Anne's lace.

"Do you know what this place is?" I asked Jasper.

"I don't _know_, but I can guess, especially because it's between Aunt Millie's house and my parents'."

I started toward the gate, and as soon as I could see over the fence, it was obvious it was a small cemetery. It felt disrespectful to just bound over the fence, so I tried the gate, but it was rusted. I could have easily broken the latch, but I didn't want to disturb it and instead hopped over anyway.

Jasper joined me and gazed around at the smattering of worn, white headstones sticking out of the grass at different angles. He knelt down in front of one and ran his hand through the grass.

"It's a little high," I said.

"And now it seems to me the beautiful uncut hair of graves," he said, quoting _Leaves of Grass_.

He parted it in order to read the stone. "As I thought. Ellis," he said.

"Who's Ellis?" I looked at the stone for George Ellis.

"I don't know who _he_ is in particular, but Ellis was my mother's maiden name. The farm land came from her family."

I quietly moved between the stones and pulled the weeds to tidy up the space and allow us to see the names better. I stopped when I came to one I recognized.

"I found your dad."

When Jasper came over, I moved along, giving him a moment alone with his thoughts. I cleared the next grave, which naturally belonged to Rebecca, and a very small one next to hers with much of the writing worn off. I assumed it belonged to Jasper's brother, who had died as a baby. I was also able to locate Millie, Emily, and Paul, though only one of their children. It appeared the family had stopped using the plot just prior to World War II.

Once all of their stones were visible, I picked some of the Queen Anne's lace to adorn each one. I stepped back to look at them all, and Jasper came behind me, wrapping his arms around me and placing his chin on my head.

"How do you feel?" he asked me.

"I should be asking _you_ that, and don't you know anyway?"

"Yes, but I've found sometimes people prefer to tell me their feelings and the subsequent reasons behind him, without me making assumptions."

I chuckled and squeezed his hands wrapped around my waist. "I feel old standing here."

"You're definitely not old, Mrs. Whitlock, but I know what you mean."

"Look at how overgrown everything is. Emily must still have some descendants around here, but it seems like no one remembers these people are here—that they even lived. It makes me sad that until we came, there was no one here to mourn them for so long."

Millie was my friend, and now she was a barely legible name on a stone.

"No one wants to be mourned forever. It may take close to a hundred years, but in time, you'll come to see the beauty in this part of the human cycle. 'Nothing can happen more beautiful than death'," he again quoted Whitman.

I nodded, not sure if I really believed him.

As the crickets started to sing, we made our way from stone to stone, saying a few brief words of gratitude and good-bye. I was a little disappointed that Frances wasn't buried next to Millie, but I told Millie how proud I was of the business she had started and how I would try to find Frances's grave to put flowers on it as well.

Before we left, we made the decision to clear the weeds from the remainder of the stones. When Jasper got to the back corner, I was hit with a projection of surprise so strong that I was taken aback.

I rushed to him. "What's wrong?"

"Us."

That didn't make any sense, and I searched his face for a clue of what he might be talking about.

"There." He pointed to the ground. "_Us_."

I followed the line of his finger and saw two side-by-side stones void of dates.

Isabella Swan. Jasper Whitlock.

Jasper's stone didn't even include his rank. The only other text on each stone was, "Lost but not forgotten."

"Oh," I said, completely at a loss for more eloquent words. "Rosalie and Emmett clearly never saw this."

"Most assuredly not," Jasper added.

"I'm glad we were together," I said softly.

"Me, too."

I moved from his side and went to lie down on the ground in front of my stone. After a beat, Jasper did likewise, taking my hand in his.

He let his love surround me, and we were content to be still. There weren't words that needed to be spoken. We stayed silent, hands clasped, until a summer mist began to rise around us and the setting sun turned the sky a vibrant lavender.

Jasper eventually rose and reached for my hand to guide me.

"We can come back here, too, if you want, but I'm eager to see the land."

I nodded and tried to let him feel my excitement. We left the family plot and continued down the road, keeping within the tree line this time. With no one around, we remained at our natural pace even while running through a crop Jasper told me was alfalfa.

Halfway across the field, he slowed and looked around. "This is where my parents' house would have been."

"Do you want to stop?" I asked.

"Not unless you do."

I shook my head, and we entered another wooded section before bursting into a small clearing.

Jasper stopped and turned to me expectantly. "Remarkable."

"This is it?" I asked, observing the different types of trees and the stream that bordered one side. When I saw the stream, it truly hit me. "_This is it_," I whispered.

The trees had grown in closer, to the point where you couldn't make out the distant hills through the trees, but this was indeed the remnant of the north pasture.

"This is the land they bought?"

"Yes. I wasn't sure how it would look, so I didn't want to get your hopes up." His face was radiant, and he looked as happy as I felt.

It was amazing that after all this time it could still be undeveloped. I closed my eyes and tried to remember how it looked the first time Jasper had brought me here when the leaves were beginning to change color. I had been so unsure of myself then—unsure of how to ride Sidda, unsure of how to act around Jasper, unsure of what was even real—but he had calmed me that first day and every day I had been with him since.

Being with Jasper hadn't just taught me about love; I had learned who I was and who I was capable of becoming.

I opened my eyes to tell him how lucky I knew we were, but Jasper wasn't standing there anymore.

He was standing next to the stream that he had once described as being a good view for one—_me_—to watch the wildlife while working in his future kitchen. I wasn't sure what he was looking for, but he started breaking portions of a branch off a tree.

"What are you doing?" I asked just as the first star made its appearance in the sky.

He sped to me, each hand full of sticks. Instead of explaining, he dropped them to the ground and pulled me to him, kissing me passionately. His happiness filled me, and I was absolutely giddy with laughter when he released me.

"Want to tell me what those are?" I asked, looking down at what appeared to be green kindling.

"Stakes," he answered simply.

"Stakes?"

"Yes, _stakes_—for plotting," Jasper repeated. Then, he picked me up, spun me in a circle, and set me down before giving me a wink.

"I promised my girl a house."

.

.

.


	31. LoG Outtake

**A/N: Thank you to those who donated to Fandom Against Famine. For those who didn't receive the compilation, here is the full Millie outtake. Enjoy.**

* * *

_January 1, 1863_

"Millie, would you mind getting Emily a fresh glass of water?" Rebecca asked me as she felt her daughter's flushed and aggravated face.

"Mama, I'm fine to go get it myself now. I've been fine all afternoon," Emily asserted while trying her best to sit up and shoo away her mother.

Rebecca tucked away her fussing hands but didn't move to let Emily out of bed. "I know it feels that way, but just give it a little longer. If you still feel this strong in a couple hours, then you can get out of bed—but just for a short while."

Emily flopped back on her pillows in exasperation.

"I don't mind getting you water; that's why I'm here, dear. It's no fun being sick, but your fever only broke last night. Just rest, and I'll be right back," I told her.

Rebecca gave me a weary smile as I turned to leave. Just as I started making my way downstairs, there was a knock at the door.

"Coming," I called.

I was a bit perturbed that Bella would come to the house, when I had told both her and Jasper to stay away, but I realized she had probably been lonely by herself. I wasn't sure when Jasper had left, but I was sure there must have been some degree of awkwardness when he had stayed at the house. I hoped she had at least been honest with him about her feelings. I didn't think my floors could stand any more pacing otherwise.

I was completely prepared to see Bella on the other side of the door but was surprisingly greeted by Frances. Her eyes were bright and cheeks pink from the ride here. I stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind me while she re-pinned some of her auburn hair that had escaped her bun.

"You aren't who I was expecting. To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?" I asked, extremely happy to see her.

"I'm not sure what to say to that. Who else were you expecting?" She winked at me. "I have quite the news to tell you. Everyone is simply buzzing about it," she said before sitting down on one of the porch benches and patting the seat next to her.

"Well, don't leave me in suspense then, please."

"We have Galveston," she said, grabbing my hand and making my heart flutter.

"I'm not sure I follow."

"Galveston has returned to the Confederacy! Isn't that wonderful? This is just what the boys needed. Papa says things are finally going to start turning around." She spoke so quickly, I could hardly keep up.

"It certainly is wonderful, but when and how did this happen?"

"It all started at daybreak. With the increased troop movement through the town, we knew something was going to happen soon, but we heard for sure earlier this afternoon when there were some wounded soldiers coming back from the island. Papa let them water their horses at our house."

The idea of our wounded men tugged at my heart, but if we had reclaimed the city, I was hoping our numbers were low.

"Do you know if there were many wounded?" I asked, worrying about Jasper.

"I know there were definitely a large number, but one of the soldiers said they had captured over four hundred Yankees, so we know they're hurting more than us."

_Four __hundred?_ I looked out toward the barn and wasn't even sure I could imagine what that many people looked like. Where would they put them all?

"Where did they all come from? Jasper said the Yankees hardly had anyone patrolling the streets at night."

"Apparently, one of our Cottonclads in the harbor overtook one of their ships, and unbelievably, the Yankees managed to blow up one of their _own_ships before turning tail and trying to sail away," she said, laughing.

I was overjoyed and amused. "Blew up one of their own ships . . . Well, I never!" I said, placing a hand over my heart.

"Hopefully this means your nephew will be home before you know it," Frances said sincerely.

"I certainly hope so. Rebecca and Emily will be so pleased, not to mention Bella. I wish Thaddeus was home to hear this, though I'm sure he'll hear it where he is. Let me step inside to share the good news, and then we can ride over to tell Bella." I wasn't sure who could possibly be happier about the news of this victory—Jasper's mother or his sweetheart.

Frances joined me in standing up. "Where _is_Bella?" she asked, holding open the door.

"At my house. I didn't want her to risk getting sick from Emily. That being said, I don't want you to get sick either. That means back to the porch with you," I told her.

"You're too sweet to me," she said, not coming further into the house but still propping the door open. "And Bella isn't at the house. I stopped there first, and I assumed you were both here because Emily was still sick."

I rolled my eyes at her. "That girl can sleep like the dead and seemingly at any time of the day. Remember when you first met her how she was out like a light in the parlor?" I asked jokingly. "She probably didn't wake up when you knocked on the door."

"I certainly remember how Bella can sleep, so I made sure to peek in the barn, but there were no horses."

I cocked my head and had no idea where Bella could have gone. "Hmm . . . Well, she isn't the fastest rider," I started.

"I'm not sure where she could be, but she wasn't on the road anywhere between my house and here, and if she had gotten further into Houston, she would have been stopped by the officers there," Frances said, not providing me with any answers.

I frowned, worried. "I never should have left her alone in that house. Give me a minute. I'll be right back," I said, turning to run back upstairs.

"There you are. I was beginning to think you were waiting for it to rain," Rebecca whispered from next to Emily's sleeping form.

The water—I had completely forgotten. "I'm sorry, Rebecca. I got distracted."

"She's asleep now, so one of us can easily get her a glass before she wakes. Was that Bella at the door?"

I shook my head. "No. It would appear that Bella is nowhere to be found." Before Rebecca could frown, I continued. "It was Frances with the most wonderful news." I relayed what Frances had said, and I was right; Rebecca was thrilled at the prospect of the war turning in our favor and Jasper coming home.

"Who knows where Bella went, but she's probably back at the house now. You should go over and tell her the good news," Rebecca said.

"You don't mind?" I asked, glancing at Emily.

"Of course not. Then, come back and tell me how my future daughter-in-law reacted to the good news." She grinned.

"Now, don't count your chickens . . ." I teased.

"You and I both know it's as good as decided. We've both seen how she's been mooning over him since he left and how urgent he was to go to her when he came home the other day. If the war continues to go like it did, I'm thinking we'll hear summer wedding bells," Rebecca said with a smile.

"Here's hoping! I'm going to get another change of clothes. I may also rake Bella over the coals a bit for taking off wherever she went. I'll see you later this evening," I said before going back down to Frances, who was still holding the door open.

She waited patiently for me as I grabbed my cape. "I'm sure she's back at the house by now," I said, closing the door behind us and giving her hand a squeeze. "Off we go."

I updated her on Emily's improving condition on the way over, and she shared some more of the details her father had overheard about the federal flagship explosion in Galveston. When we got to the house and pulled the wagon up to the barn, it was clear that my horse was missing.

Before I could start to feel panicky, Frances put her hand on my shoulder. "You know, it isn't unheard of for horses to be commandeered by passing soldiers in need. Maybe the wounded coming north needed an extra horse for transport."

I didn't want to squash my own hope by asking what wounded soldiers would be passing through this far outside of Houston. Whatever optimism I did have was further diminished when we entered the silent and darkening house.

"Bella," I called. "Bella!"

"Maybe she left a note. I'll check the kitchen; you look upstairs," Frances said, taking charge.

I rushed up the stairs and peeked into my empty room before looking into Bella's. The late afternoon sun through the window was casting a square of light on her rumpled bedding, framing a folded note in the center.

I let out a gust of air before snatching it up and unfolding it. I was shocked to see Jasper's penmanship instead of Bella's usual scrawl. I saw it was addressed to Bella, but when I saw exactly how it was addressed—_To__Bella,__my__darling__wife_—I couldn't believe my eyes.

_Wife? _Surely not. Before I could stop myself, I sat down and began to read the rest of the letter.

_I swear, should I live forever, I would never tire of saying such a thing. I love you, and you have made me the happiest man alive by making me yours. _

I gasped just as Frances walked into the room, carrying a lamp. "Oh good, you found a note."

"Sit," I uttered, not able to get anything else out. How could they have done this without their families? So much for summer wedding bells.

Frances set down the lamp and perched on the bed next to me, looking concerned. Without a word, she placed her chin on my shoulder and began to read the note in my hands.

"Oh, my!" She giggled. "It appears that Bella is keeping a secret much larger than just where she went today."

I pointedly looked at her before turning back to the note.

"Don't be that way, Mill. They're young and in love. Think how exciting it would be to elope." She kissed the underside of my jaw, and I allowed myself to smile before continuing to read.

_Yesterday was the best day of my life, and as the sun came up this morning, I couldn't bear to wake you. I didn't want to spoil yesterday by telling you I needed to leave today, and it would have broken my heart to say goodbye to you once more and see the sadness in your face. I beg you not to find me cowardly. Instead, know I rode off thinking of your blissful, sleeping face and the host of fabulous expressions you made last night._

"Oh my, indeed. We shouldn't read this," I said, placing the note in my lap. "It's obviously very private."

"I can't believe him," Frances said, sounding aggravated.

"I know. I can't believe they got married without us there. I'm happy for them, but Rebecca was really looking forward to their wedding. Bella's family doesn't even know us!" I exclaimed, for the first time thinking of how they would feel about this news.

"No." Frances shook her head. "I meant what Jasper did to Bella. How could he leave her without saying goodbye? He only left a note? She must have been devastated."

"Oh," I said sadly, realizing the truth of her words. "He must have had his reasons," I tried to argue.

"There's only one way to find out," she said, grabbing the note from my lap and holding it up so we could both see it.

_You said you did not want to know the particulars beforehand, but you should know that I was able to come back to Houston while making one last evacuation run from Galveston. My unit plans to retake the city today, and I must return to join them. Now, the only women remaining in the city are the hardened Sisters of St. Ursula, and no one could convince them to leave. At least, should things get rough on land, the sisters have God on their side. _

I hoped God was on Jasper's side as well and that he wasn't one of the many wounded making their way back north to Houston.

_I promise to be safe, my sweet. I hope, once we have reclaimed Galveston, the war in Texas will swing in our favor, and I'll be able to come home to you soon. I will be counting the days, and I cannot wait to start my forever with you. _

_Happy New Year. I love you._

_Your devoted husband, _

_Jasper_

"So that's that," Frances said, putting the letter back down on the bed.

"This still doesn't answer the question of where Bella went, though. Where could she have gone?"

"Maybe she took advantage of the mild weather today and rode through the fields. Perhaps she was looking for a distraction after reading Jasper's letter," Francis suggested.

"That's a good idea, but I don't think Bella is a proficient or confident enough rider to cut through the property on her own. Anyway, she would have returned to one of the houses by now," I countered. I went to peer out the window, hoping she would suddenly arrive or rush up the stairs to say she had taken another long nap in the parlor.

"Would she have gone after Jasper to say goodbye? Certainly, that must be it. Once she reaches the road closing, she'll come back. I'm sure of it."

I turned to Frances. "I hope you're right. You must be right. There's no other explanation." My gaze wandered back to the bed. "Do you think we should address her bedding at all? It's obvious what occurred here. I don't want to overstep, but I don't want to sadden her even more by having her do it herself now that Jasper is gone."

Frances looked at the bed thoughtfully. "Perhaps we should just remake the bed and set the sheet downstairs to wait for the next day of laundering. I would leave the pillows wrapped as they are, though."

I nodded and grabbed new bedding from the trunk at the foot of the bed. We worked in silence as we pulled off the blanket and stripped the sheets. I was trying to be practical about things, but I was sure I was blushing as I asked, "Why not the pillows?"

I looked up to see Frances's face turning a lovely shade of pink as well. "It isn't as if I sit around thinking about how your nephew would smell, but I know it's nice to wake up to the scent of someone you love."

When the bed was made, I walked around to stand beside Frances as she placed the note back on the bed. I wrapped my arm around her waist and let my nose skim the shell of her ear before she turned her face, placing a chaste kiss on my lips. "I know exactly what you mean," I said.

As we walked down the stairs to deposit the sheets in a basket in the kitchen, Frances sighed. "I'm disappointed we didn't get to see them say their vows, too. It's both sad and romantic that they were able to track down a preacher but didn't alert you."

"Well, young love . . . I realize things change in the face of sickness and war. You have to grasp happiness whenever you find it," I said. "Regardless of how it came about, I'm happy for them. I'm happy for all of us. However, I think it best to keep this a secret for now in regards to Rebecca and Thad."

"Agreed," Frances said as she grabbed a piece of paper off the kitchen hutch. "We should let Jasper and Bella share their own news." She slid the paper to me. "I'm increasingly worried about where she may be, especially as it's rapidly growing dark, but we should leave a note and then head back to your brother's house."

"Yes. I can only hope she's already there waiting for us." I scribbled a note while Frances went upstairs to my room to fetch me another change of clothes.

When we arrived back at the farm, we found Emily and Rebecca in the living room, both in better spirits and Emily looking healthier.

"I agreed to let her _try_ coming downstairs," Rebecca said.

"Mama, I couldn't stand another minute of looking at the same four walls," Emily replied. "Bella, it's okay to come in. The worst is past," she called toward the front door.

My face instantly fell. "Bella isn't here with you?"

"No," Rebecca answered, looking just as worried. "We thought you would find her at home and bring her with you."

I shook my head, and Emily piped up, ever optimistic, "Perhaps someone from Bella's family came to find her. Maybe she went into town to spend the day with them or settle some of her aunt's accounts."

It was a wonderful idea, but I just couldn't see that being the case. I had never wanted to pry, but I'd never known Bella to post a letter to her parents or anyone other than Jasper. I wasn't even sure if they knew where she lived—or that her aunt had even passed. Perhaps I should have encouraged her to communicate with her family, but she almost never spoke of them. She seemed so sad and conflicted whenever I mentioned them or asked questions; it was like there was only half of the story she wanted me to hear. I knew personally how you could sometimes want to escape your situation in life, so I never pushed her. Instead, I wholeheartedly wanted her to make her life here with us; I wanted us to be the family to whom she could turn.

I shook my head sadly at Emily's suggestion. "I sincerely doubt that. Maybe I should go back. I don't want her to come home to a dark house if she doesn't have to."

"I'm sure she's somewhere safe, and as late as it is, I hope she's staying the night there," Rebecca said. She tried to sound confident, but her eyes gave away just how anxious she was. "There's no need to have one more of us unaccounted for. It's too late for anyone to go anywhere. With the battle and the retreat, who knows where the Yankees will flee, and I would feel safer if both of you stayed the night. Would that be all right, Frances?"

"Yes." She nodded and held up a bag. "I told my parents I would be staying with Millie tonight anyway."

Rebecca and Frances spoke quietly about sleeping arrangements in the guest bedroom, but my thoughts were focused on what Rebecca had said about the Yankees retreating. Could they possibly come this far inland? The thought of Bella alone and scared and possibly the victim of a run-in with a Yankee soldier made my stomach turn.

"Excuse me," I uttered as I trippingly ran upstairs with tears in my eyes. As soon as I made it into the guest room, tears started to run down my face, and I bit my fist to keep from crying out. I had promised to take care of Bella and had completely failed.

I was lost in my concern when I felt Frances's slender arms wrap around my waist. I leaned my head back against her, and as my tears slowed, I tried to absorb whatever comfort I could from the solid feel of her body behind me.

"Shhh. Everything is going to be fine," she murmured as I hiccupped.

"What . . . what if it isn't?" I whispered.

"Have faith, Mill."

"You're right," I said, looking at my wavy reflection in the dark glass of the window. "I don't know what I'm more horrified about at the moment—that I don't know where Bella is or that I have turned into a hand-wringing woman."

"Hey now," Frances scolded while pulling me closer. "Bella is a capable young woman. She was able to travel all the way from Little Rock to Houston _alone_ and then find entrance into the hearts of a certain major and his whole family. Certainly she can find her way from wherever she is now to home."

Frances's words were just what I needed to hear. She placed her lips on my shoulder, and I wiped at my eyes as she continued. "She's a Whitlock now, and Whitlock women are incredibly intelligent, resourceful, and headstrong," she said, punctuating each point with a kiss. "There's nothing more we can do tonight, so let's make sure we're well rested for tomorrow."

I nodded in agreement, suddenly too tired to even answer, let alone to dress for bed, and I slipped under the covers.

Seemingly, only a few minutes later, I lifted my head groggily off the pillow and looked around the brightening bedroom. I was trying to locate a sound, and it took me a moment to realize it was the sound of the barn door closing. I quickly stood and rushed downstairs to find Thad hanging his coat by the door.

"Oh," I said, disappointed that it wasn't Bella.

"Good morning, dear sister," Thad greeted me, looking excited. I could only hope he came with news of Bella. "I had concluded all of my business, so I left at daybreak after hearing the news from the port last night."

"Did you—" I started to ask him, but he kept on talking over me.

"I rode by your house and saw both it and the barn were empty. Then I was surprised to see one of the McCall horses in our barn. I'm assuming Frances is here."

"Yes, but—" I tried again to no avail.

"This is quite the welcome home party then. Where's Rebecca? Are Emily and Bella still asleep?"

I sighed and shook my head, sad that he obviously had no news of Bella. As the rest of the household trickled downstairs, we filled him in on Emily's illness and Bella's disappearance. Thad felt incredibly guilty for being absent when he felt his family needed him. We assured him there was nothing he could have done that we hadn't done for either event.

"The least I can do is ride back out toward town to ask about her. There must be a reasonable explanation for where she's gone," he said, stroking the hair on the back of Emily's head, as if showing his affection for one girl would give him answers about the other.

Before he could step out, there was a strong knock at the door. The room was full of gusts of relief and Emily's glad mumbling of "finally!" Our happiness was short lived, however, when Thad opened the door to reveal a Confederate soldier standing stiffly on the porch. For a moment, I was confused about why he could be at the house, but then I thought he might have news of Bella traveling into town.

"Mr. and Mrs. Whitlock?" he asked, and Rebecca stepped up next to Thad, reaching out to grasp his hand.

Until I saw her panic-stricken face, it hadn't occurred to me that the young man could be here on account of Jasper. My concern was compounded when Rebecca started to shake her head and murmur under her breath, "No, we won. This isn't it. We won."

The soldier took off his hat and looked at his feet. Before Rebecca could faint from nerves, Emily spoke up with her voice trembling. "Mama, we don't know why he's here yet."

When he glanced up at us, the sadness was evident in his eyes, but his posture remained straight. I held onto the fact that if our world was about to come tumbling down, then he wouldn't possibly be standing so stiffly.

"I'm Captain John Abernathy," he said, addressing Thad. "A situation has arisen." We all hung onto his every word. It was obvious that it was difficult for him to speak.

"Jasper?" Emily asked. I shook my head. The longer we didn't know for sure, the longer we could delude ourselves into thinking this wasn't happening.

Unfortunately, the soldier nodded, and Thad wrapped his arm around Rebecca's waist to support her. Emily, Frances, and I stood still, fanned out behind them—three separate islands of disbelief.

"He's gone missing." Hope bloomed; missing was better than the alternative. "Things aren't definitive, but I won't lie, they do appear grave. Normally, word wouldn't arrive so soon, but I was headed this way, and Major Whitlock—Jasper—was a good friend to me."

He went on to explain Jasper's orders before saying, "We know he arrived successfully in Houston, and there are reports of him leaving town yesterday morning, but he never arrived in Galveston."

I knew there were questions being asked, but I couldn't focus on them. This couldn't be. Jasper had just found his happiness. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to any of us.

Then I realized the soldier had moved onto a different topic when I heard him say, "His wife—"

Rebecca exhaled a sigh of relief. "Our son wasn't married. It can't be him. It wasn't him. I'm sorry, but you've mistaken us with another family," she happily rambled.

"No, ma'am." He looked pained. "I am speaking of Major Whitlock and a brunette woman on horseback who identified herself as his wife. We do have a brown horse secure in Galveston, should you require confirmation."

Thad said, "That won't be necessary, as this must all be some sort of a mistake. My wife is correct in saying Jasper isn't married. Our condolences to the family of the missing soldier."

Thad moved to dismiss the captain, and Frances stepped up and prodded me with her elbow, prompting me to speak up sadly.

"That's Bella."

Rebecca's head whipped around, and her face was furious, as if I was somehow making the soldier into Jasper with my words. Thad looked incredulous and spoke slowly. "Millie, Bella isn't Jasper's wife."

I opened my mouth, and the look on his face implored me not to say anything else, but Frances continued. "They eloped." She told them about the letter, and Rebecca began to hyperventilate.

The soldier spoke over her gasping breaths, shifting on his feet and looking increasingly uncomfortable and grieved himself. "Your son has officially been listed as missing in action, but the army will eventually list him as a casualty if they don't find proof of him soon."

"Maybe Bella and Jasper ran off together," Emily suggested, but the captain stopped her from saying more.

"I don't want you to have to give up hope, Miss, but your brother was no deserter."

Rebecca released a low and mournful sound as the soldier expressed his sympathy and turned to leave. As Thad closed the door and the room was extinguished of the outside light, we all broke into choked sobs. Our world had come tumbling down.

~*LoG*~

I sat on the thick grass warmed by the September sun. I don't know if I could have handled it if everything was cold. I hadn't come before now; it seemed pointless, as no one was really there. Bella had once mentioned mid-September as her birthday, so the timing seemed fitting, though my visit was far from celebratory.

I thought we should have waited longer, but everyone had said it was finally time. The army had stopped looking for answers some time ago. The battle had been won, and no one other than us seemed to care about what had been lost. Her name hadn't even appeared in the paper.

I wasn't sure where to look, but I spoke in the hopes that anyone might be listening. "I hope I did right by you, Bella." I bit my lip before laughing at the memory of how often she did the same thing.

"You were my friend, and I'll never forget you." I hoped that didn't sound contrived. "I didn't know what you'd want," I said, looking toward the gray stone. "I thought Whitlock would be best, but Rebecca said we should leave it as Swan—just Swan—in case your family came looking for you. She said every parent deserves to know what happened to their child—at least what they _can_know. I couldn't disagree with that."

I tried to hold back the tears, wanting to get through what I had come to say. "We looked for your family, but your great-aunt's landlord turned up no clues, and by all accounts, there are no Swans in Little Rock, or any of the surrounding areas. It's like you appeared out of thin air."

What mysteries surrounded this girl! I looked at her name on the stone, careful to keep my eyes away from the one bearing Jasper's name; the pain that clutched my chest when I thought of him was still too great. I was young when he was born, but I remember carrying that blond baby around, pretending he was mine. The memory tore at my heart, and I had to stop thinking about him. I shook my head, as if that would banish the pain.

"Anyway," I said shakily, "Swan it was." I began to pick the grass as a distraction. "I try to tell myself it doesn't matter because you aren't really here. I can't believe they never found you. It's like you disappeared into thin air as well." Mysteries abound. "The lack of answers continues to breed hope—such a terrible, wonderful, _terrible_ thing."

I tried to calm myself as my nose began to sting from the need to cry.

"Wherever you are—whatever happened—I hope you knew happiness. I hope you both did," I said, attempting to mention Jasper without breaking down. "You don't need to know every happiness in life—only one, if it's the right one. I hope you're together now and that you'll continue to make each other happy."

I wiped at the few tears that could no longer be contained. "I don't presume to know all the answers to life's questions, but I do believe in heaven. Maybe this mortal life was too limited to hold all the love you had for each other. Isn't that a lovely idea?"

I placed my hand on Bella's smooth stone and stood to leave. I wasn't sure if I would come back, so I needed to make my final goodbye to her.

"In my mind . . . on one level it seems cruel, but maybe this was the way it was supposed to be. Maybe you and Jasper were meant to spend some form of eternity together—young, beautiful, perfect, and in love—forever."

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**A/N: Thank you all for your patience while waiting for "In Midnight Sleep," which will start with Jasper's transformation. While it is taking longer than expected, it will be posted.**


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